July 2021 - Kate Gegg, AM, LCSW

July 26, 2021March 27, 2023

The Ripple Effects of Change / Introduction to Systems Theory

One of the most unexpected parts of working towards personal growth is that our relationships change
This is because when we grow we often change habits, patterns, capacities, and expectations.
Because of this, when we change ourselves we may no longer be the same in our relationships.
Sometimes our growth means we connect differently, which means some relationships can feel like they lose the glue that once held them together.
Sometimes others struggle with our changes, because they’ve come to depend on us to be a certain way; some way that serves a need for them – a need we may no longer be able to fill while being our authentic selves.
When we change and start taking on a new role (or no longer take on a familiar role) it can throw off the sense of balance that others have come to depend on when everyone participates in familiar and predictable ways.
Many relationships can grow and evolve together, but some cannot. When we “grow out of people” this is often what it means; not that we are better than them, but that our new way of being is no longer compatible with the needs of each party.
Sometimes our growth helps us see other’s behaviors or words through a different lens, causing us to see the relationship differently, and potentially participate in it differently (or not at all) moving forward.
To take care of your health and wellbeing you may need to change how you participate, and, others may be effected by how that changes the larger dynamic.
So, if you’re making changes in your life, be aware, a lot more than just you may change.

When we change, grow, and evolve there are often unexpected ripple effects in our relationships. Just as there are “growing pains” with physical growth, we can experience growing pains with emotional, relational, and psychological growth.

Our personal growth usually involves concrete changes in how we live our lives. We can set new or remove old boundaries, we may shift how we spend our time or where our limits are. When we grow we may find we talk about different topics with friends or family or look to others for different kinds of support. We may also find that we connect with others in ways that are different from how we used to connect. We may bring new availability to others, or, we may not be available in ways that we were before.

When we change in the ways I’ve described, it means we are different in our relationships with others. Often our growth happens in personal or private moments outside the observation (or awareness) of friends of family. This means as we change we may surprise people, or people may not know what to to expect of us and may look for us to continue participating in the relationship in the way we have in the past.

Our change can challenge some of our relationships; if we are not longer able to fill a predicable role within our relationships others around us may feel confused, lost, angry, or unable to connect. We too can experience loss as relationships that once felt predictable change.

All of this is natural, healthy, and normal when we grow. If you are working on making changes, expect for this to effect the relationships around you. Work to be consistent with the changes you need to make, and expect others may not “get it” at first. Be patient (and consistent) with others and yourself during this adjustment period. Some will struggle with your adjustments, and others will adapt with time.

Notes:

A common example of this (and one used as an example in my graduate school class on family treatment) is the TV family “The Simpsons”. Marge holds the responsibility for keeping the family organized and running while Homer earns money, and doesn’t do much more to attend to the emotional or relational needs of the family. Homer has come to depend on Marge to do the parenting, and Marge has come to depend on Homer to earn the money. Imagine how “thrown off” the family would be if one day Homer became a much more involved parent. A burden would be lifted off of Marge – but – Marge also may feel lost, untrusting, and unsure what to do with herself as her entire identity is formulated around caring for her family and cleaning up after Homer’s (literal and figurative) messes. More in this article from the Baltimore Sun .
What I am describing here is an extension of what (in the therapist world) we call “systems theory”. In short, this theory describes all of us as being components of larger systems (family systems, work systems, cultural systems, etc). These systems can reinforce behavior, roles, and dynamics within us as individuals and within our relationships. So, when you change one part of a system, the rest of the system needs to adapt too. If you see a therapist describe themselves as a “systems therapist” it means they operate with this framework in mind.
This dynamic is often common is families where one person is identified as “unwell” (physically, emotionally, developmentally – etc). A number of members of a family may get used to thinking of themselves in caretaking roles, and they may rely on the unwell member to be less able or capable. If the “unwell” person becomes more independent and capable over time other member of the family may struggle with how to relate to them, and how to relate to each other as roles change and shift. Identities and a sense of purpose can be lost, and sometimes families can come to depend on a dynamic of having an “unwell” member to keep a sense of balance intact. This “unwell” member can also be called “the identified patient” in therapist lingo, which means the person the family, organization, or system has come to rely on to hold the position of being unwell.
If you find you have a hard time “catching up” when those around you have made changes I’d encourage you to work on mindfulness – taking in each moment as its own unique and individual experience with a person. We can simultaneously hold awareness of how someone “used to be” while paying attention to current actions and behaviors to allow room for their growth. We may need to spend time processing through losses or gains we experience when those around us grow. This introduction to meditation may be a helpful starting point.
Sometimes even “positive” changes can be met with resistance or pushback from those around you, or perhaps you are finding yourself struggling with someone else’s “positive” changes. That may be because their are secondary gains in place for the person who has not made the change, but who is effected by it.

July 20, 2021March 27, 2023

Foundations of Meditation

A step-by-step guide to the Foundational Meditation for Mental Health
- 1. Make sure you are comfortable enough to not move for the duration of the exercise
- 2. Pick a “Focal Point” using one of your five sense. I recommend starting with touch and waiting to use sight until you are more advanced.
  - Ideas:
    - Try pressing your finger tips together or
    - Put a beverage in your mouth and don’t swallow it
- 3. Set a timer for 30 seconds.
- 4. Close your eyes and work to notice “what comes up”. (I.e. what thoughts enter your mind, what sensations you feel in your body, and what emotional feelings you notice internally). Once you notice something return to the focal point you’ve selected.
- 5. You stop when the timer stops.
- Do this once a day for a month. After a month you can gradually increase to up to two minutes (or longer), though I have found 30 seconds a day can be enough for someone to see significant gains.
- The only time we’d want you breaking the meditation is if you are in danger (i.e. a fire alarm goes off etc), otherwise, it is your job to notice whatever urges arise without acting on them, including urges to move your body, end the meditation, think through something – etc.
- You will drift away many times; this is the whole point of the exercise. You are working on increasing your ability to notice when you drift away and come back to your chosen focal point
- This is not meant to be relaxing, it is a very active process of observing your mind body. What you are doing with this exercise is strengthening your ability to have an internal experience that you don’t react to
- It’s ok if you get irritated, want to stop, find yourself feeling tempted to move, wonder if you’re doing it “right”. These are all just thoughts, feelings, senses, and urges and it is your job to notice them without acting on them.

Regardless of whether or not you have a meditation practice already, I always encourage my clients to start with this foundational exercise. When we meditate in this way we strengthen our ability to cope by working on being present with our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. We are noticing them, but not letting them dictate our actions or behavior.

When I introduce this skill to my clients I introduce it to empower someone to strengthen their ability to improve their concentration and to be less controlled by their emotional states. I also use it to help them increase their ability to control their attention, which makes them less susceptible to triggers.

The goal is to work on being present with what comes up, to notice it, and then to let it go and be present for the next “thing” (be it a thought, sensation, or feeling).

Many of my clients get stuck in one of two places, so be on the lookout for these traps:

They start “Chaining”, meaning they have a thought and then they react to that thought with another thought, or maybe a feeling, and so on and so forth so the meditation exercise becomes more like a stream of consciousness. This is normally how our minds work, so it will probably start to happen during the exercise. It’s ok, you’re going to get better at catching that and then redirecting yourself. Instead work towards noticing a thought, and then letting it float away while waiting for the next one.
The other common trap is: “Blocking”. This is when you try and “clear your mind” so that you have quiet or stillness. While that can be a great centering or relaxation exercise, it is not the type of meditative exercise we are trying to work towards. We want thoughts, feelings, and sensations to float into awareness so you can strengthen your ability to notice them and then re-direct your attention.

The skill with meditation is not in preventing your mind from wandering, it is in noticing when it wanders and then bringing it back to your chosen focal point.

You should find, after a month, you are less “reactive” and more able to notice your thoughts and feelings without having the urgency to respond to them.

Notes:

The focal point can be anything that uses one of your five sense. I personally find touch is the most accessible, but here are examples from all five senses. The key with any of these is to use it as an anchor, something you return to in-between the internal thoughts, feelings, and sensations you notice throughout the exercise.
1. Taste: Put a candy in your mouth and notice the taste of it. Resist the temptation to move it around / crunch on it.
2. Sound: Just listen to the sounds around you – this works best if you’re not in a completely quiet space, though if it is “quiet” you may find there were more sounds than you had been aware of when you quietly listen.
3. Sight: Watch trees in the wind, watch snow or rain fall.
4. Smell: Sit over a coffee or tea, spray a perfume or cologne.
With step one, I encourage you to sit in a way in which you are comfortable, BUT as you get more and more advanced you might want to try sitting in a way this is slightly uncomfortable. This will give you an opportunity to work on sitting with your physical discomfort and tolerating the sensation of it.
There will be a second post to come covering how to move away from having a focal point. As you get more and more advanced your focal point can get less specific, but phase one meditation is about working on noticing the drift and re-centering back to the established focal point. Eventually just “you” can be your focal point.
If “nothing” happens (i.e. you try this exercise every day for a week and you just have a blank mind) you can try scanning around your body to see what you notice or prompting yourself with questions about what’s happening in different areas of your body).
If this is highly activating (which it might be if you struggle with anxiety, intense feelings, or you have a history of trauma) start with grounding and try decreasing the time to 15 or 20 seconds. Once you get really good at grounding you are likely to feel safer and more able to tolerate the exercise.
Want to learn more about who may benefit from meditation? The post “Why Meditation” covers more details on how meditation can increase our ability to cope. The post “Controlling our Attention” covers how meditation can increase out ability to accept what we cannot control. Meditation can help us increase our ability to release our emotions, as covered in the post “Emotions are Brief“.
I was trained on this in graduate school, and I remember we would start off every class with a two minute exercise. Inevitably someone would arrive late and shuffle around the room, drop a bag, pull out a chair, etc. I remember feeling and thinking “ugh! They’ve disrupted the peace! It’s interfering with the exercise”. Initially, I was not able to step back and recognize that my irritation at being “interrupted” and my thoughts about that were actually just another thought and feeling to notice. The exercise can’t be interrupted, because the whole purpose of it is to notice what comes up (internally or externally), and then come back to your chosen focal point. That noticing can include noticing your own irritability, like in my case, as well as noticing your own experience of distraction. The better we get at noticing and returning our attention to our chosen focal point in the exercise, the better we get with this skill in our day to day lives.
Over time, this exercise will teach you to be more mindful of your internal world and less reactive to it, which means (eventually) you may not need to do it on an ongoing basis. Instead, may find you are more and more used to being connected with your internal world, and this awareness without reactivity will happen more organically and naturally throughout your day.
You may notice there is a focus on “not reacting” or “acting” in this exercise. That’s because we are working to introduce intention to when you act on internal experiences. The goal in life is, of course, to act and respond as is indicated for any given situation, and meditation of this nature helps introduce a pause so that you can increase your ability to notice your internal experiences before reacting to them. In life you won’t always just sit and notice, but that’s exactly what we do when we meditate – we strengthen our ability to resist the urge to act. There will, in life, be times where acting intuitively / quickly makes sense (think about emergency situations), so we are not eliminating the ability or need (at times) for a quick reaction – but we are working to introduce intentionality so we can be more in control of when we act quickly.
Chelsea Handler’s book, “Life will be the death of me” covers how meditation fundamentally changed her life.
Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Wherever you go there you are” is an excellent instructional book on meditation.

July 15, 2021March 27, 2023

You Married Your Parent?

When we are drawn to relationships that parallel our relationships with our parents we are often drawn to how we FELT in the relationship and our experience of the relationship.
This can include the role we take on in relation to the other person, what we expect of them and how they’ll react, and our sense of how we’re supposed to be around them.
Your experience of a relationship is likely to be unique to you, which means it may not be similar to experiences other people (including your siblings) had of your parent.
An example: For the parent that had a temper, think about your experience of that, perhaps it’s something like ‘I had to walk on eggshells around her, and I felt like I had to keep her protected from something that might make her too angry. I was often scared or nervous when something might upset her’.
While your spouse may or may not have a temper, you can explore whether or not there is an experiential parallel in how direct you feel you can be with your partner, or if you feel like it’s your job to keep your partner “in a happy zone” because it’s hard for you to trust they’ll be able to productively manage upsetting information independently. You can also consider how similarly you feel when you anticipate they’ll be upset
We end up in parallel relationships often because we are drawn to that familiar feeling, role, dynamic, or experience.
When we build insight and understanding into what our relationship was like for us we can make decisions (in an active way) about whether that served us (or not) and whether that’s an experience we want in our relationship(s) moving forward (or not).
So when we question, “am I dating my parent”, we want to be on the lookout for both traits between your partner and your parent as well as your experience of each relationship.
You can end up “marrying your parent” by marrying someone who makes you feel the same way or take on the same role in the relationship even if they have very different personality traits.
See post for more information and sample questions to ask yourself to help you build this understanding.

For most of us, when we consider whether or not we’re dating or married to “our parent” (as the expression goes) we think about this concept in terms of interests or personality traits. For example: my mother was organized and so is my spouse; my father was a runner and so is my partner; my parent had a temper and so does my wife.

Many of us know we are drawn to what’s familiar, and so yes, we can be drawn to familiar personality characteristics. When I’m thinking about whether or not someone may be replicating an earlier relationship pattern in a current relationship I’m also on the lookout for “experiential” parallels, something I find far fewer people have heard of or considered.
By experiential, I am referring to YOUR experience in the relationship. We’re looking at how our personality interacts with the personality of another person for a unique relational dynamic between us.

For many of us it can be hard to get descriptive in a concrete way about our experience of our parents as the relationship becomes our standard for “normal” far before we have the capacity for words or for memory.

A helpful way to explore this idea is to focus on your experience in the early relationship and your experience in your current relationship and see what parallels arise. Ask yourself questions about your experience, and it’s ok if your responses surprise you.

Samples:

How understood, alone, connected, or important did I feel?

When a problem arose did I feel safe in discussing it? Afraid? Like it was my job to figure it out alone? Maybe it wasn’t my job at all?

How was accountability handled? Who took responsibility for problems or accidents?

When a change needed to be made did I feel like it was my job to adapt, did I expect them to adapt? Did we all work towards making changes?

When something needed to be figured out was I included? Ignored?

These prompts will help you connect with how you felt, the role you took on, what you expect of others, and what the relationship was like for you. We can then use that information to help us change patterns that may not serve us moving forward, and work towards keeping dynamics that did work well for us and our relationship.

Notes:

If you’re having a difficult time getting descriptive about the relationship (i.e. going beyond “the relationship was good” or “the relationship was bad”) read more about how to find and use descriptive language in ways that help us move beyond words like “good” or “bad”.
Still having a tough time identifying your experience? When you try and explore it let go of how you think you “should” feel and allow yourself to be present with whatever comes up, even if it feels surprising or uncomfortable.
This post also relates to a prior post where I cover how our early experiences shape our understanding of what to expect of ourselves and those around us.
An example of relational experiences that occur with specific personality traits: For the parent who got a lot done, ‘I always knew I could rely on her to take care of things, but I also always felt like she was so busy, or distracted, or not really present with me and so I got used to feeling like she wasn’t totally plugged in to me’. Whether or not your partner “gets a lot done” in the way your parent did, if we were having you pay attention to your experience of the relationship we’d want you to be reflecting on how important you feel when you’re together, and exploring how much you feel like your partner offers you their full attention when you’re together, and how available to you they are.

July 5, 2021March 27, 2023

Long Term Vs Short Term Self-Care

Care of the long-term self is just as important as care of the short-term self
When we care for our long-term self we make an investment in the future or prioritize what feels sustainable to us with regard to our energy, our commitments, our values, and our limits. We trade off what might feel comfortable or bring joy in this moment for something that will help life be more full at a later time.
When we care for our short-term self we do something that helps us feel good, relaxed, or at peace in the moment. Often we have fun, are in the present, and aren’t as focused on “what’s coming up”.
You will be at risk for cycles of depression and burnout if you don’t pay enough attention to caring for the long-term self OR the short-term self.
Taking care of your short-term self is essential to happiness and well-being. We can’t be happy in our lives if we’re not experiencing positive emotions on a regular basis.
If we over-invest in our short-term self we are avoiding addressing our future, which can leave us feeling anxious and uneasy as we know, deep down, we are “kicking the can down the road” and not addressing our long-term needs and well being.
If we over-invest in our long-term self we can be cheap, grumpy, or unhappy in our day to day lives. We can miss out on important experiences and opportunities.
We can stretch ourselves too thin when we over-prioritize either self. With over-prioritizing of the long term self we can live life without enough regard for the present, and we can miss out on positive experiences feeling like we’re always reaching never arriving. With over-prioritizing the short-term self we can over-commit, over-schedule and not set ourselves up sustainably leading to cycles of overwhelm and burnout.
Each of us has a different “balance point” between these parts of ourselves, and that balance point changes at different stages in our lives (meaning this is a consideration to revisit again and again).
Takeaway: when you’re trying to engage in “self-care” remember both your long-term and short-term self. If you’re noticing cycles of burnout think about how much you are considering either self in the decisions you make about how you spend your time, money, and energy.

For many, “self-care” routines can feel like a cycle of burnout, rest and repeat. We hear suggestions when we’re at the end of our rope like “get a massage”, “take a day off”, “try a yoga class”, and yes – all of those are absolutely self-care. I would classify them as “self-care of the short-term self”.

Having a special / positive experiences can make a day better, but ultimately if our version of “self-care” only cares for our short-term self we can neglect the needs of our long-term self. If we don’t care for both aspects of ourselves we will struggle with satisfaction, happiness, and leading a sustainable life.

Caring for the long-term self is about taking control (where you can) to set life up with regard to what feels sustainable, manageable, and not overwhelming to you. It’s also about making some decisions with respect to your future and prioritizing the experience of your future self. Caring for the short-term self is much more about what will be fun or feel good in the moment.

When we have a history of trauma, or when we are in survival mode we are more inclined to not consider the long-term self, as it can take a sense of safety in the world around you to believe that you can invest in yourself and your future; the more safety we feel in our lives the more able we are to consider both our long-term and short-term selves.

Many of us are inclined to lean towards caring for the short-term self or the long term self, and for each of us we need to find the right place of balance. Places to look for clues as to where you fall on this spectrum are how you spend your free time, spare money, and extra energy. How much of each do you allow yourself to “save” or “spend”?

While the popular and common notions of self-care do take care of (and are important) for the short-term self, we need to remember the long-term self. If you are in a cycle of burnout at work or with family or friends, short-term self-care may help you feel better in the moment, but what’s needed is long-term self-care to interrupt a cycle that’s got you stretched too thin and out of balance.

Notes:

This post covers topics similar to those covered in my post on wants versus shoulds.
Marsha Linehan’s Dialectal Behavior Therapy treatment covers the need for regular positive experiences and it is her treatment protocol that prescribes it as essential for a happy life. Per the treatment plan, without regular positive experiences no one, regardless of their privilege or circumstances, can be happy and satisfied with their lives.
Sometimes this concept is best understood if you think about how it applies to money. If you spend all your money on a goal for the future and very little money on experiences that make you happy or comfortable in the moment you are likely to be putting a premium on your long-term self at the expense of your short-term self. Alternately, if you spend all your money on the here and now, (things that bring you temporary joy like vacations, nice food, or items that won’t appreciate in value in the long-term) you are taking care of your short-term self at the expense of your long-term self. There is such a thing as not preparing enough for the future, BUT there is also a thing as preparing too much and missing out on present-day experiences, living too cheaply or in a way that leaves you stressed out and frazzled.
The more privilege we have the more control we have over factors like how much we work, how much vacation we take, how much money we have to save or spend and how much we time we can spend on leisure vs work. This concept can be applied relatively, and regardless of your level of privilege you can work towards caring for yourself by working towards considering what will help you feel good now, what will help you feel good later, and trying to find a balance between the two.
What about vacations? Vacations are an incredibly important tool to reset, have new experiences, relax, learn, spend time as a family, and (temporarily) reduce burnout. However, there has been research that shows that the effects of a vacation wear off very rapidly after a return to work and those effects diminish even faster with a more demanding workload. Vacations are great, but you are more likely to find happiness by paying attention to your day to day experience and finding ways to improve that then relying on vacations to “reset” you.