Process Vs. Content

  • Relationships often go best when the involved parties can pay attention to “process” in addition to “content”.
  • Content is what happens in a relationship – for example: what we talk about, where we go, which decision we make, what someone’s interests are. Most of us focus a lot on content when we think about selecting a friend or partner.
  • Process is how the relationship happens – for example: how we make decisions, how heard and respected each party feels, the tone we take with one another when communicating. Most of us pay very little attention to process because we’re so focused on content.
  • When our emotions are heightened we can lose sight of process (i.e. take a nasty tone when we’re angry, overlook someone dismissing us when we have romantic feelings for them, insist on it being “our way” and not taking input from others when we’re anxious, etc).
  • Process often repeats itself (i.e someone has a hard time being collaborative in numerous interactions and relationships). As such, the “content” of our lives then become a repeated opportunity for that same process to play out again and again.
  • Over time, process can have a significant impact on the health of a relationship. Even if we agree with the content of shared decision (i.e. which house we buy), if the process around making that decision leaves anyone feeling uncomfortable, that discomfort reactivates in future decision making and can wear down at the foundation of a relationship.
  • Think about it: it’s hard to trust, feel connected, and share ourselves if the dynamic between ourselves and others is one where our way of thinking or our perspective isn’t respected – even if we often end up at the same outcome (i.e. we can agree on content, but with a problematic process). Alls not (necessarily) well that ends well. 
  • Developing a solid process in your relationships is an incredible armor and resilience builder against hard times, because it enables you to take on (nearly) any content, regardless of how intense the topic is. 
  • There is no one “right” process for our relationships, but the key is to develop patterns of being together and communicating that meet everyone’s needs enough (not perfectly, but enough). See more in today’s post.

Most of us go through relationships (with ourselves and with others) highly focused on content; She’s so smart, he’s so funny, they’ve got a great job, etc. Many of us pay very little attention to process: how respected you feel in the relationship; how your boundaries are tolerated; how thoughtful, conscientious and considerate another person is towards you; how repair happens when there’s been a disconnect and if accountability is taken, etc.

One of the challenges with life is how little control we have over content. We can’t control if we get sick, when and how those around us die, or whether or not we get the things we want most in life (could be a kid, a promotion, a home, etc). Because hard times often involve communicating (like asking for what we want or need, setting boundaries, developing a plan to tackle a situation), having a solid process, (one where we all parties are comfortable with how we interact with one another), becomes the foundation with which we address challenges, unexpected changes, and hurdles in life. A good process builds resilience, a problematic process can deepen ruptures and pain at an otherwise difficult time.

Healthy relationships, with willing and invested parties, can work to improve process and develop one that works for everyone. That often involves being honest with yourself and others about your needs and limits, and being accepting of others needs and limits (even if they’re not where you want them to be). 

In some relationships, we can’t improve process either because we don’t have influence over the other person (i.e. you can’t necessarily get through to your boss, but maybe you can) or willingness from all parties to work on the relationship (i.e. sometimes we’re more invested in changing the relationship than the other party). At times like that we may need to set boundaries to protect ourselves (or distance ourselves) from relationships where the process doesn’t work for us. We may also need to process our feelings of loss around a relationship that won’t be what we want it to be.

Paying attention to process is useful of friendships, romantic relationships, professional relationships, family relationships – and our relationship with ourselves (more on that in the Notes).

Notes:

  1. Additional examples of process: let’s agree to take a break if either party feels like we’re running in circles or is burning out in this conversation, let’s agree to not interrupt each other moving forward, let’s try and give equal weight to both perspectives and work towards being invested in finding something that works for both of us.
  2. When I say “process” also applies to our relationship with our self, what I mean is many people who struggle come to find, in therapy (or in their own reflections), that their process for interacting with themselves (in their head) is far harsher and crueler than they would ever use interact with another person. As such, when things aren’t going well, they hit deep lows because their internal process involves a pretty intense inner bully who leaves them feeling terrible and defeated. Developing a more compassionate and understanding inner dialogue is a great step towards improving your relationship with yourself.
  3. Generally speaking, when couples go to couples therapy, the therapist is working with them on improving their process by using the topics (content) in their lives at this moment as subject matter to work through creating a different / more workable / more functional process. This enables couples to leave couples therapy with the tools to (eventually) sort through problems and situations independently. More on process for couples in my post “rethinking never go to bed angry” ), and more on couples therapy and how to know if it’s “time” in my post on couples treatment.
  4. The Gottman Institute has spent decades conducting research on couples, communication and connection. They’ve identified four problematic processes in couples that, left unchanged, often lead to the demise of the relationship. For more on those four dynamics (and more information on the research) see my post about “The Four Horsemen“.
  5. Ok so what are other signs of a problematic process? More on that from my post on on fair fighting.
  6. I talk about the need to be honest with ourselves (and others) about our limits in this post. This is easier said than done. More here on how to recognize your limits.
  7. A good process requires a degree of acceptance – acceptance of yourself, your limits, and your needs, and acceptance of the other parties limits and needs. If you struggle with things not going as you think they “should”, see my post on how to accept.

Pessimism

  • Pessimism is a coping strategy that protects us against the vulnerability of having hope.
  • Feeling hopeful leaves us open to potential disappointment or rejection. If we are fearful or avoidant of these experiences we are more inclined to rely on pessimism to protect us from experiencing them.
  • Our pessimism can blind us; it can limit our sense of the possibilities for ourselves and our future.
  • Many of us get stuck in a pessimistic stance without realizing it. To work towards recognizing pessimism in yourself, look out for rigidity; if it feels like you can’t imagine something would work, or something could change, or if it doesn’t feel worth trying, you may be approaching with pessimism.
  • While it’s okay to “start” with pessimism (if we are so inclined), it’s not recommended to end there. Instead, work towards integrating the counterbalance to pessimism, which is being realistic.
  • When we work towards being realistic we can see the possibility that the pessimistic outlook has some merit to it, but we can also hold hope and awareness that other outcomes are possible.
  • You’ll notice I’m not naming “optimism” as the counterbalance to pessimism. Optimism too is a strategy, one that can keep us hopeful, but can also limit our ability to see realistic barriers that might encroach on any given situation. 
  • In its extreme, optimism can be a form of denial, while pessimism can be a state of hopelessness. It is helpful to try and step into you “optimistic” self to think through a scenario, as well as your “pessimistic” self. This can counter-balance rigidity and help pull you closer to a realistic stance.
  • It’s helpful to identify if a pessimistic stance comes intuitively to you as a first line response to an idea or potential pursuit so you can work on making use of it, and then counterbalancing it with a more realistic approach.
  • Ultimately, having a more realistic approach will not shield you from the vulnerability that comes with feeling hopeful or taking a chance, but it will enable you to make choices about when you are willing to enter a situation that involves risks (including the emotional risks of feeling rejected or disappointed).

For many of us, we have a pessimistic outlook as a way of insulating ourselves from the vulnerability we’d to feel if we allowed ourselves to hope. This is a tempting strategy to employ if we’ve been hurt, rejected, or disappointed in the past, and we can come to lean on our pessimism as a protective barrier between us and (potentially) feeling those feelings again.

Pessimism can be helpful because it enables us to think to through barriers to achieving a desired goal or outcome. It limits us when it interferes with our ability to assess an individual scenario based around its unique likelihood of coming to fruition. Pessimism also creates problems when it interferes with our ability to identify how valuable (and risk worthy) a pursuit is to us as individuals. When we rely on pessimism, our priority is often to shut down an idea or pursuit, often because we want to avoid a negative outcome (including feeling negative feelings).

An overly pessimistic stance can lead to feeling helpless and un-empowered.  Pessimism can stop us in our tracks before we get started, and it can interfere with our ability to see genuine possibilities for ourselves and our future. It’s hard to act on your dreams (even ones that may be possible) if you’re a pessimist.

The antidote to pessimism is holding a realistic stance, one that holds awareness of why a situation might not work out *and* that there are other possible outcomes. When we’re realistic we can weigh the likelihood of success against our personal priorities and risk thresholds. To be clear, you can have a negative outlook on a situation and not be taking a pessimistic stance. Sometimes a situation is a long shot, or won’t work out, and you are realistically assessing the factors at play when you decide not to pursue it.

If you inclined towards pessimism, use it as a starting point and allow yourself to get in touch with the reasons why something may not work. Then, work to explore the potential for alternate possibilities and outcomes. At that point you can decide, based on your own personal thresholds, whether it’s worth it to you to take the emotional, social, financial, relational (etc) risk.

Comments:

  1. If you are someone who relates to the notion that you want to protect yourself from negative emotions, I’d encourage you to read my prior posts on how all emotions (including negative ones) are useful and essential. The first covers how negative feelings are actually incredibly important tools to help us find long term happiness, and the second helps us better understand (and accept the need for) our anger.
  2. The idea that pessimism serves a purpose is very linked to the concept of secondary gains, which are the positive aspects of something that is otherwise problematic in our lives.
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