- Attunement is the silent “glue” of relationships.
- When someone is attuned to us, they can hear our words, read our body language, and combine that with their knowledge of our historical preferences and needs to be present and plugged in with us in any given moment.
- When someone is attuned to us we feel like we’re on the same wavelength, like they can read us well, and they just “get” us.
- A highly attuned relationship often creates emotional safety and openness; we feel seen by the person tuning into us. When we’re attuned to another, our responses often feel intuitive – we’re moved by the moment to respond to meet its needs.
- Attunement can sound a bit like “mind reading” to folks who aren’t familiar with it, but at it’s core, attunement is about paying attention and connecting history, words, behaviors, and non-verbal signals (like tone of voice, posture, and gestures) into a cohesive sense of what’s happening for a person at a discreet moment in time.
- A lack of attunement can be challenging to discuss in concrete terms to the lesser-attuned party; it may feel like someone is insensitive or clueless in ways that are not easy to describe. Regardless, attunement is hugely impactful on the closeness of the relationship. A lack of attunement can leave us feeling unseen, dismissed, or unimportant.
- Some of us struggle with being highly attuned to others, to the point where signals from our self are drowned out – or vice versa – our own internal signals overwhelm our ability to tune in to others.
- Others of us struggle with being attuned to all these different domains simultaneously (i.e. we’re skilled at paying attention to words, but not behavior; or we’re great with words but terrible with non-verbals; or we’re heavily influenced by the past, but less so by the present etc).
- Those of us that aren’t used to plugging into these different domains (the words, non-verbals, behavior, and contextual information from the past) may feel overwhelmed at first. It’s a lot to pay attention to. In time (and with practice), I promise it becomes more accessible and intuitive.
- Relationships (those with ourselves and others), go best when our attunement can be straddled between others and ourselves, and we can work to pay attention to all domains of relational communication (words, behavior, and non-verbals). We can plug in and notice what’s happening for us, and do the same with the those around us.
Attunement – we don’t often talk about it, but we all feel it. It’s those people in our lives that “get” us and know when to step in (and when to take a back seat). They recognize the right moment for a joke, and the wrong one. It’s the opposite of being a “bull in a china shop”, instead its more like a spontaneous harmony between two people.
Daniel Siegel, in “The Mindful Therapist” writes: “Attunement is how we focus our attention on others and take their essence into our own inner world…the ways we take in the internal worlds of other people and allow them to shape who we are in that moment…attunement involves the perception of signals from others that reveal their internal world: noticing not just their words, but also their nonverbal patterns of energy and information…eye contact, facial expression, and tone of voice, posture, gesture, and the timing and intensity of response.” (P. 34).
A lack of attunement in a relationship makes it difficult for closeness, safety, and open communication to occur. This is because being open requires the courage to be vulnerable, and we’re less likely to do that when we’re feeling – on an instinctual level – that someone doesn’t get us or how we operate.
If you’re someone who has a hard time maintaining closeness in relationships ask yourself (and try to be kind, but honest with yourself) how attuned you are to others, and how much you genuinely pay attention to the domains I’ve discussed today.
A key ingredient to being attuned to others starts with attunement to yourself. As Don Catherall writes in his book, Emotional Safety: “Anyone who is emotionally blocked is going to have problems tuning in the emotions of others. A rule of thumb is that people who are emotionally blocked will have the most difficulty tuning in to other people who are experiencing those specific emotions the blocked individual cannot access in himself” (P. 202). We can’t plug into others sending off signals of an emotion (like anger) when we don’t allow ourselves to tolerate experiencing that emotion (in this case anger) ourselves.
Attunement relates to mindfulness, relationships, and emotional regulation. Links to more posts about all of those below.
Comments:
- I try and stay away from labels too much here, but when I write “Some of us struggle with being highly attuned to others, to the point where signals from our self are drowned out” we could think of this as a version of co-dependence, a label that I know many folks find useful, and that there are numerous resources (books / podcasts) on. Similarly, those of us that struggle with non-verbals and attunement may identify as being on the autism spectrum. Though, to be clear, struggling with non-verbals does not mean you’re autistic, and heavily plugging into others (and struggling to plug into yourself) does not mean you’re co-dependent.
- Don Catherall, who wrote emotional safety (which I quote in this post) was my couples therapy professor at the University of Chicago and is a retired couples therapist in Chicago. He is cream of the crop excellent, as is his book. Though it was a text book, it’s incredibly accessible to therapists (and non-therapists) alike. If you’re looking to strengthen your romantic relationship this is a great book to read as a couple, and I’ve encouraged clients of mine to read it (with their partners or on their own) and have gotten feedback from non-therapists that it is truly accessible and useful. Full Citation: Catherall, D. R. (2007). Emotional Safety: viewing coupes through the lens of affect. New York, Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.
- Be aware, individuals with trauma histories may be harder to attune to (this is true of their relationships with themselves, others, and even their therapists). Trauma effects how our emotions are expressed in our bodies. For more on trauma see my posts that cover an introduction to trauma and relational trauma.
- Attunement increases the security of an attachment. Learn more about “attachment” (as a technical term) in my post.
- This idea of straddling between attunement to ourselves and attunement to others relates to a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy about the linkage between ourselves, our goals, and our consideration of others. The DBT skill is around keeping a sense of balance between these three connecting considerations, and taking care of ourselves (and our relationships) by maintaining an investment in all three of these considerations.
- Attunement requires a degree of mindfulness – we have to be able to be present enough to hear, see, and read what’s happening.
- Don writes about how our inability to access an emotion interferes with our ability to detect it in others. For more on this see my post on emotional blocking.
- Full citation to Dan Siegel’s Book (The Mindful Therapist) which I quote in the post: Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: a clinician’s guide to mindsight and neural integration. New York, W.W. Norton & Co. This book is reader friendly to non-clinicians too, though he does have a non-clinician version of the book called mindsight.