- This advice can put pressure on couples to resolve conflict prematurely.
- Sometimes one or both parties “give up and give in” rather than truly work something through. This leaves the partnership vulnerable to the same disagreement time and again, or disconnection through shutting down.
- For our partnerships and relationships to be healthy, we can’t cut corners.
- Don’t be afraid to pause a conversation, difficult conversations shouldn’t last hours.
- How to do it: Either party can request a pause. Both parties hold responsibility for bringing a topic back up. Repeat the cycle. Avoid avoiding (see post below for further details)
You’ve probably heard this advice before, that when you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t go to bed angry. As a couple’s therapist, I (largely) disagree.
My concern with this advice, which I think in a non-literal way means “don’t hold onto anger”, is that it can encourage premature resolution of a difficult topic; it can create anxiety about strong negative feelings, like “it will hurt our relationship if we don’t fix it right now”; and it can put pressure on resolving an issue quickly rather than effectively.
Often times, in my experience, couples interpret this advice to mean “you have to resolve any and all conflict before you fall asleep” or “once we start a fight we finish it, even if it takes hours of talking”.
While we don’t want to have a disagreement, stop verbally communicating, but then go on fuming internally (this is called amplifying our emotions). It can actually be *hugely* helpful to give ourselves and our partner some space when we’ve had a difficult discussion, disagreement, or fight. Though it may be tempting to “get it all out” we want to make sure you’re equipped to resolve the issues at hand, and overwhelming ourselves or the other party can have the opposite effect.
In therapist language there is something called the window of tolerance (this could be a whole other post), but the short summary of it is we all have breaking points – times when we’re too tired, too grumpy, too burnt out to keep talking through something in a productive way. In these moments one of the most helpful things you can do to take care of yourself and your partnership is take a step back, pause the conversation, and agree to return to it.
How to do it: Either party can request a pause when they feel it’s needed and the other party should respect that boundary. The pause is just that – a pause – and both parties should make a commitment to bringing up the topic again after some time (at least a few hours but can be days or weeks). Returning to the topic is essential, otherwise it’s avoidance. Also avoidance: refusing to really grapple with the topic. Sometimes we need to go through the cycle multiple times. That’s ok! Give it a try.