- The way we fight can effect the stability of our relationship.
- When we have a disagreement in a close relationship we want to make sure we move through conflict productively
- The Gottman Institute has identified four dynamics, that left unchanged, lead to the demise of many relationships.
- Or, they leave couples “together” but unhappy and disconnected
- Criticism – attacking your partner. Instead, address a specific problem.
- Contempt – treating your partner as less than you. Instead, work towards mutuality and respect.
- Defensiveness – not looking at or accepting how we have contributed to a problem. Instead, work towards listening openly to the other perspective and taking accountability when and where it’s due.
- Stonewalling – Shutting down or not engaging with a topic. Instead, don’t resolve a conflict prematurely, take breaks, and return to topics repeatedly as needed.
The Gottman Institute has spent decades conducting research on couples, communication, and connection. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are four dynamics they have identified that can lead to the demise of connection, trust, mutual admiration, love, and even the relationship itself.
Below are summaries of each dynamic and suggested changes. See the comments for where to learn more.
Criticism – when you express how you are upset by attacking your partner’s personality and character.
Contempt – This is when one partner sees themselves as better than the other and makes attempts to diminish the other partner through words or gestures. This comes out in communication that is disrespectful, including (but not limited to) mocking, name-calling, and eye-rolling.
Defensiveness – This is when one partner struggles to admit how they’ve participated in a situation and often times blames, denies, rationalizes, and deflects.
Stonewalling – this is when one party (or both) stops truly engaging with the problem(s) at hand. This can be silence, shutting down, giving in when we don’t genuinely want to but just want the conversation to end, or compromising in ways that don’t actually work for us, but just end the conflict for right now.
These are complex dynamics, but there is help.
Criticism – work towards bringing up one issue at a time (and one issue only). Focus on the problem rather than the character of the person. Try and work together against the problem, rather than treating the person as the problem.
Contempt – Eliminate disrespectful communication from conflict (this takes practice and sometimes taking a break). Try and actively remind yourself of your partner’s strengths even in a disagreement so you will be less prone to diminishing their value.
Defensiveness – work towards trying to understand how you have participated in the problem being discussed. While it can be helpful to share your intentions, work towards understanding the impact of your actions and taking accountability.
Stonewalling – Take pauses and return to conversations as needed. Don’t make compromises you aren’t genuinely comfortable accepting.
Notes:
- There is an *excellent* youtube cartoon based video on this from the Gottman Institute called “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (dated 12/15/2014) which includes suggestions for how to change these dynamics.
- Seeing a Gottman trained therapist can also help you and your partner make these changes. To find a Gottman trained therapist, and resources from the Gottman Institute see their hompage.