- We all have a sweet spot in our ability to cope, manage, process, think, feel, and communicate.
- When we are in that sweet spot (also called the window of tolerance) we generally feel calm, able to take on what comes, and able to think and feel at the same time.
- When we are outside of that spot we can feel very intense anxiety, rage, or feelings so big we can’t even really identify them – they just fill us to the brim
- We may be more likely to ruminate (i.e. not be able to stop thinking about something), become hyper focused on the topic at hand, or lash out our feelings at others.
- We may also feel a tremendous degree of urgency to “fix” whatever has pushed us outside of our window.
- We can also fall outside of that window in the other direction, to a place of more emptiness, depression, numbness, or avoidance
- When we’re on that side of the window we may get sleepy or have a hard time paying attention
- Parts of our ability to function are “offline” when we are pushed to either side of this window of tolerance
- For us to be successful in our relationships, at work, and in managing our mental health it is essential that we recognize this window exists, and that we respond to it constructively
- More to come in a future post about how to widen your window of tolerance, but the first step is recognizing it exists and to identify how it manifests in you.
- We can all work to widen our windows of tolerance through therapy, meditation (more on this to come) and learning (and using) coping skills. One of the reasons your therapist can be effective in treatment is because they (likely) have done some work widening their own window to be able to tolerate what their clients bring to treatment.
In the DBT world we would say we know we’re in our window when our “rational” (i.e. thinking or logical) mind and our emotional mind are accessible. As Daniel Siegal says, “If an experience pushes us outside our window…we may fall into rigidity [depression, cut offs, numbness, avoidance] or into chaos [agitation, anxiety, rage, emotions that feel so big we can’t even identify them they just consume us with intensity]”.
He explains, “We [each] have multiple windows of tolerance. And for each of us those windows are different, often specific to certain topics or emotional states. I may have a high tolerance for sadness, continuing to function fairly well even when I or those around me are in deep distress. But even a lesser degree of sadness…may cause you to fall apart. In contrast anger may be relatively intolerable for me…but for you, anger may not be such a big deal”.
Acceptance of the fact that this window exists, and there are limits in our ability to function based on our presence (or not) in it are crucial to success in managing your mental health, relationships, feelings, and thoughts. We are more likely to be pushed out of our window of tolerance at times when our safety is threatened; we are hungry, in pain, or tired. Some of us may be more inclined to fall to the rigid side (with less emotion) and others may be more inclined to the chaos side (with more emotion).
Daniel goes on to say, “Within our window of tolerance we remain receptive” (this means able to integrate information from our bodies, thinking selves, and feeling selves), “outside of it we become reactive” (this means we’re highly emotionally charged and less able to thoughtfully think through and respond to something with our full capacity to consider consequences, values, and priorities).
Many of us have spent a good chunk of our lives outside our personal windows without awareness that we CAN get to that middle ground place. When we are outside our window of tolerance it is not the time to make important decisions, or have important conversations. It is instead a time to work on coping and “coming back online” so we are out of the reactive place and back that receptive place.
Notes:
- This posts combines a mix of the “wise mind” skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan with information from Daniel Siegal’s book, Mindsight (pages 137-138). Full Citation: Siegel, Daniel J., Mindsight : The New Science of Personal Transformation. New York: Bantam Books, 2010.
- It’s not always obvious when we’re outside our window of tolerance. For some of us it just is our sense of “normal” or “how we’re supposed to feel”. If you often feel the way I’ve described suspect you may regularly be outside of your personal window.
- We can learn to recognize when we’re outside our window and we can develop coping and grounding skills to bring us back within our window so we can function and manage well. Those coping skills to follow in another post, try to work on knowing when you’re in and outside of your personal windows based on the cues I described. If you have a partner – heads up – they may have a sense of when this occurs for you better than you do!