- Sometimes the most tragic of stories are the ones we have a hard time finding empathy for.
- Instead, we can create distance from the story, person, or situation by finding ways it couldn’t happen to us, in our lives, or in our community.
- Sometimes that can look like denying it could happen to or near us.
- Other times we create a narrative about how the person participated in creating their painful experience
- Something like: “if they had lived their lives differently, more carefully, this wouldn’t have happened to them, and so I can feel secure that this won’t happen in my life because I would be careful in ways they were not”
- This is a natural response; we are trying to keep our sense of safety in the world as we know it intact.
- While natural and often automatic, it is important that we own it as OUR response to OUR sense of vulnerability and OUR fears that this could happen to us.
- Too often, how someone may or may not have participated in the outcome of their situation becomes the focus of the conversation with and about people who have experienced something terrible
- While accountability, when due, is an important part of prevention moving forward, we can be tempted to hold someone TOO accountable for their tragedy as a way to help ourselves feel safer in our lives.
- There are unfortunate consequences to this style of coping by distancing for all parties. Learn more about the impact of this in today’s post.
Have you ever found yourself hearing a story about something horrible that happened to someone, only to find yourself distracted by your internal effort to look for a reason that couldn’t happen to you or in your life?
Some version of “this wouldn’t happen to me because I live my life in a such a way where I am protected from the possibility of this horrible thing happening here, to my family, or to me”.
Examples include: “My child couldn’t drown in a pool, I would have a gate up.”
or
“I would never be out that late in that place”
In those moments we are doing something very natural, which is trying to keep our sense of security in our world intact after hearing a story that leaves us feeling profoundly unsafe.
As Bessel Van Der Kolk writes, “We all want to live in a world that is safe, manageable, and predictable, and victims remind us that this is not always the case”.
It is natural for us to want to feel safe in our lives, and having these protective thoughts is ok – and for many of us very automatic. It is important, however, that we recognize when we think in this way it is a response to our sense of vulnerability and our fears that our lives could be shattered in the way we are hearing about.
If we don’t recognize this is OUR protective mechanism, rather than an objective reflection on the situation, there can unfortunate consequences to you, the person sharing their struggle, and your relationship with that person.
If the focus of our response is on how safety could have been preserved if they acted differently we leave a person whose sense of safety has been shattered feeling isolated, and at times ashamed or like the outcome is entirely their fault*.
We can, in an effort to hold on to our sense of safety and order, develop blindspots about threats in our community that could impact someone more vulnerable than us, and eventually us.
Responding in this way to someone’s vulnerability when they share their story shuts off your vulnerability from you AND from them, creating disconnection.
There is no one “the right” way to respond in these situations, but be on the lookout for your own need to feel safe interfering with you ability to hear someone else’s pain or story.
Notes:
- Quote is from page 196 of the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Full citation: van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
- *I do not mean to undermine the importance of accountability when it is due. Instead, I want us as the listener to be on the lookout for our desire to find a way that this couldn’t happen to us. Sometimes we have trouble accepting that someone may truly just be a victim and some times terrible things happen despite reasonable efforts to prevent them.
- It is not your job (unless you are a therapist) to tolerate hearing all the gory details of someone’s traumatic situation. Instead be mindful of your own protective mechanisms when someone is being vulnerable with you and sharing their difficulties. It is always ok to hold a boundary around what you feel able to hear and when you feel able to hear it.