- Sometimes the reality we want or believe “should” exist is not the reality that’s in front of us
- When we don’t want or can’t accept something we can fight it by hiding from it, pushing it away, denying it, or actively resisting it
- This applies to our external reality (including facts about our family, our culture, our country, our jobs, and our lives)
- It also applies to our internal reality, including thoughts / feelings we may not like or want to be there, and thoughts / feelings others tell us we “shouldn’t” have.
- When we are stuck in the place of non-acceptance, we are in a no-mans-land of desperation, anxiety, resistance without traction, refusal, and misery where we are trying to control, change, and prevent something that already is.
- For many of us, the fixation on the reality we wish were true is a distraction – a way to shield ourselves from the pain, shame, embarrassment, loss, or disappointment that would come if we conceded to what the reality in front of us was telling us about our lives or the situation we were in.
- When we accept the reality in front of us we can still work towards changing that reality. When we accept we don’t have to approve, or condone.
- With acceptance we acknowledge what IS and from that baseline we can make changes in our lives, relationships, or the world around us – rather than being caught in the in-between of what is true vs what we wish or want to be true.
- Sometimes the most important thing for us to accept is that we don’t have the power or authority to make or prevent a change we are not comfortable with. When we accept that reality we can begin to refocus on items we do have control over and pursue what is meaningful to us in other ways.
- If you have found yourself “cycling”, unable to stop thinking about something, or in a pattern of repetition in your life consider that you may be resisting accepting the reality of something in front of you.
A lot of the distress in our lives is driven by our struggles to acknowledge and accept a reality we do not like or approve of. A “this can’t be happening” mentality can consume us, and efforts to “make it right” or “not let it happen” can preoccupy us. We can just refuse to put up with it as though digging our heels in and not accepting something changes it from being real or true.
As Bessel Van Der Kolk writes of his training, “The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves’ …be honest with ourselves about every facet of our own experience…people can’t get better without knowing what they know and feeling what they feel”. Our refusal to accept the situation at hand (which includes realities in both our internal and external worlds) creates the suffering Van Der Kolk writes about; we are miserably stuck in-between what we wish to be true and what is. This is when we can get stuck doing the same things over and over – wanting a different result, but not getting one.
We can then be given advice that may not sit right with us, which is to “accept” the situation at hand. For many of us the term accept has associations of approval tied to it, “if I accept it, that means I am saying it’s ok”. So we push aside that advice and continue on in our state of limbo where on the one side we have the reality we wish were true, and on the other side we have the reality that actually is.
If the term “accept” doesn’t sit well with you try concepts like acknowledge, recognize, or observe. When we acknowledge what is happening, we recognize the reality in front of us without condoning or approving of it. We don’t have to like it, but until we can acknowledge it for what it is we can’t start making changes that make us happier, or make our lives or our world better.
For nearly all of us, once we reach that point of acceptance or acknowledgement of what “IS”, a huge burden of distress is lifted. We can be left with loss, pain, and other difficult feelings, but feelings can be resolved, unlike the constant cycling of refusal, desperation, anxiety, and resistance that can stay with us when we are not recognizing and accepting the reality in front of us.
Notes:
- Sample statements that can help move you towards radical acceptance / acknowledgement; “this is just what is happening right now”; “I don’t like it, I don’t approve of it, but it is the reality in front of me”; “I want to work to change it, because I’m not ok with it, but I accept this is what is happening and I will do what’s in my power to work towards creating a different reality”.
- This post describes radical acceptance as outlined in Marsha Linehan’s‘s skills training manual on pages 176 and 102 Full citation: Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
- The quote is from pages 27-28 of “the body keeps the score”. Full citation: Van, . K. B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.