Blog - Page 6 of 7 - Kate Gegg, AM, LCSW

May 11, 2021March 27, 2023

The Window of Tolerance

We all have a sweet spot in our ability to cope, manage, process, think, feel, and communicate.
When we are in that sweet spot (also called the window of tolerance) we generally feel calm, able to take on what comes, and able to think and feel at the same time.
When we are outside of that spot we can feel very intense anxiety, rage, or feelings so big we can’t even really identify them – they just fill us to the brim
We may be more likely to ruminate (i.e. not be able to stop thinking about something), become hyper focused on the topic at hand, or lash out our feelings at others.
We may also feel a tremendous degree of urgency to “fix” whatever has pushed us outside of our window.
We can also fall outside of that window in the other direction, to a place of more emptiness, depression, numbness, or avoidance
When we’re on that side of the window we may get sleepy or have a hard time paying attention
Parts of our ability to function are “offline” when we are pushed to either side of this window of tolerance
For us to be successful in our relationships, at work, and in managing our mental health it is essential that we recognize this window exists, and that we respond to it constructively
More to come in a future post about how to widen your window of tolerance, but the first step is recognizing it exists and to identify how it manifests in you.
We can all work to widen our windows of tolerance through therapy, meditation (more on this to come) and learning (and using) coping skills. One of the reasons your therapist can be effective in treatment is because they (likely) have done some work widening their own window to be able to tolerate what their clients bring to treatment.

In the DBT world we would say we know we’re in our window when our “rational” (i.e. thinking or logical) mind and our emotional mind are accessible. As Daniel Siegal says, “If an experience pushes us outside our window…we may fall into rigidity [depression, cut offs, numbness, avoidance] or into chaos [agitation, anxiety, rage, emotions that feel so big we can’t even identify them they just consume us with intensity]”.

He explains, “We [each] have multiple windows of tolerance. And for each of us those windows are different, often specific to certain topics or emotional states. I may have a high tolerance for sadness, continuing to function fairly well even when I or those around me are in deep distress. But even a lesser degree of sadness…may cause you to fall apart. In contrast anger may be relatively intolerable for me…but for you, anger may not be such a big deal”.

Acceptance of the fact that this window exists, and there are limits in our ability to function based on our presence (or not) in it are crucial to success in managing your mental health, relationships, feelings, and thoughts. We are more likely to be pushed out of our window of tolerance at times when our safety is threatened; we are hungry, in pain, or tired. Some of us may be more inclined to fall to the rigid side (with less emotion) and others may be more inclined to the chaos side (with more emotion).

Daniel goes on to say, “Within our window of tolerance we remain receptive” (this means able to integrate information from our bodies, thinking selves, and feeling selves), “outside of it we become reactive” (this means we’re highly emotionally charged and less able to thoughtfully think through and respond to something with our full capacity to consider consequences, values, and priorities).

Many of us have spent a good chunk of our lives outside our personal windows without awareness that we CAN get to that middle ground place. When we are outside our window of tolerance it is not the time to make important decisions, or have important conversations. It is instead a time to work on coping and “coming back online” so we are out of the reactive place and back that receptive place.

Notes:

This posts combines a mix of the “wise mind” skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan with information from Daniel Siegal’s book, Mindsight (pages 137-138). Full Citation: Siegel, Daniel J., Mindsight : The New Science of Personal Transformation. New York: Bantam Books, 2010.
It’s not always obvious when we’re outside our window of tolerance. For some of us it just is our sense of “normal” or “how we’re supposed to feel”. If you often feel the way I’ve described suspect you may regularly be outside of your personal window.
We can learn to recognize when we’re outside our window and we can develop coping and grounding skills to bring us back within our window so we can function and manage well. Those coping skills to follow in another post, try to work on knowing when you’re in and outside of your personal windows based on the cues I described. If you have a partner – heads up – they may have a sense of when this occurs for you better than you do!

May 5, 2021March 27, 2023

Introduction to Relational Trauma

Trauma is more common and varied than most of us realize
Often, when we think of something traumatic we think of a concrete event – a war, a shooting, a life threatening situation, or a situation in which pain was endured
Yes. Those are absolutely traumatic events, we in the therapist world call those “Capital “T” traumatic events”
There is another kind of trauma that is quite common, highly impactful, incredibly painful, and (in my opinion) under-acknowledged
We therapists call that “lower case ’t’ trauma”
That kind of trauma is also called complex, cumulative, or (what I will call it) relational trauma
In short, this trauma occurs when a child is repeatedly left with big overwhelming feelings that make them feel at fault, unsafe, scared, or inadequate without the ability to manage the feelings or recover from the experience
It may not threaten our lives, but it threatens our emotional safety and that has huge effects on our emotions and relationships moving forward
Relational trauma can sometimes only be discovered by the imprints it leaves behind
Effects of relational trauma can include: trouble managing feelings / in relationships / with trust; and chronic anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or struggles with self-worth.

If there is one thing that I wish was more widely known and understood about trauma, it’s that it is far more common and varied than we give it credit for.

Most of us can intuitively understand Capital T Trauma. If you get in a car accident and it was terrifying, we understand and can offer empathy to you if you’re scared to get in a car again; your terror and discomfort is understandable to us.

Many of us have a more difficult time understanding and offering empathy for relational trauma and its impact. Unlike the accident described above, we don’t have that concrete experience to reference of “where the trauma came from” which can make it confusing to all parties when someone is triggered and responding to prior relational trauma. Instead, we often just think someone is being “crazy” or “ridiculous”*(6).

Usually, we know if we’ve experienced Capital T trauma, but sometimes we don’t know if we’ve experienced relational trauma. It can feel like how problems or feelings are managed or what we known to be normal.

As David Wallin puts it (full citation in comments(7)): relational trauma develops after repeated experiences in childhood of “fear, helplessness, humiliation, shame, and/or [emotional or physical] abandonment” from primary care givers (often parents) who did not help a child recover from intense emotional experiences or manage their overwhelming feelings.

That repeated experience of being alone with big overwhelming feelings without help managing or recovering can leave us scared of our feelings because we don’t know how to manage or recover from them. As a result we can learn to bury or hide feelings away. This inability to be in touch with and process our feelings limits our ability to know ourselves, develop priorities, and can lead to chronic anxiety and / or depression(5)**.

Experiencing relational trauma can also leave us with conflicting feelings about close relationships – we may want relationships but also feel scared or untrusting of them. Intimacy, closeness, connection, trust, and vulnerability can become inaccessible – until we recover from the trauma (which can be done in therapy, or in a series of safe, trusting, and healing relationships).

Notes:

Trauma is an incredibly complex, sensitive, and important topic. Quite frankly, I’m intimidated taking it on in a post because I know I cannot succinctly discuss it in a way that truly represents its scope, impact, and complexity – even over multiple posts. There are incredible books, researchers, therapists, and talks on this topic and I will do my best to be a bridge to those resources so you can learn more about this. If you are interested in getting started now “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk is an excellent introduction. Though he focuses on Capital T trauma much of what he writes about applies to relational trauma as well.
Sometimes we endure relational trauma from care givers who love us deeply and who we love, and who we may otherwise have good relationships with except for those difficult moments. Those caregivers are often trying their best and well meaning, but are not sure how to handle big feelings or big problems themselves. These are not necessarily “bad” parents or caregivers, though they may not have been able to give us what we needed developmentally in some of these more intense moments. They can be incredibly loving and effective parents in other moments. Sometimes these are caregivers who THEMSELVES experienced relational trauma and have not recovered from it, so are unable to help themselves (or the kids around them) effectively manage these difficult moments. If you endured relational trauma it doesn’t mean your parents were bad parents. If you think you may have inflicted some relational trauma it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent AND there is an opportunity to change patterns and work to heal all involved parties.
For help on parenting in ways that will not create relational trauma look into Big Little Feelings. They offer a $99 course, as well as free tips on their instagram page for parents and caregivers (friendly reminder, I am in no way connected to them or profiting off their course – it’s just plain old helpful material).
Like most everything else in this world relational trauma exists on a spectrum, meaning just a little can effect us a little and more frequent or intense experiences can effect us a lot.
Chronically burying or hiding away feelings can limit our ability to find long term happiness. See “Emotions as Traffic Signals” for more information.
For tips on how to deconstruct moments in which relational trauma may have been stirred up see “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
The David Wallin book I reference is called “attachment in psychotherapy”. It was published in 2007 by the Guilford Press (NY, NY). The quote is from page 245 and is in reference to chapter five of the book Healing Trauma: attachment, mind, body, and brain”. That chapter was authored by Francine Shapiro and Louise Mayfield, and the book was edited by Marion Solomon and Daniel Seigel and published by Norton (of NY) in 2003. Formal Citation: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

April 29, 2021March 27, 2023

How to Pick a Therapist

The following are tips I would give anyone who is looking to start with a new therapist

Trust your gut. If after 2-4 sessions it doesn’t feel right, move on. One of the most important things for treatment to be successful is for you to feel comfortable opening up and discussing difficult topics. If you feel uncomfortable it probably isn’t a great fit. That doesn’t mean the person you are seeing isn’t high quality, they just may not be right for you – but if you find the next person isn’t a great fit it doesn’t mean it’s you, sometimes it takes a few rounds of trying.

There is not a lot of quality control in the field. Many programs don’t require prospective applicants interview, have their own therapy, or have an analysis of their own mental health / wellbeing. Don’t just assume that “someone knows what they are doing”, there is a huge range in skill sets of therapists out there so if someone seems off, not quite ok themselves, just trust it and move on.

Look out for a therapist that seems reactive (i.e. seems highly emotionally charged) or defensive (preoccupied with rationalizing their perspective at the detriment of understanding, connection, and receiving feedback). Therapists are people too, with emotions of course, but we want you with a therapist who can manage their feelings. Sometimes therapists will have emotions in session that they will discuss with you, but the key is for the sessions to feel like they are largely about YOU.

If you can get a personal recommendation, that’s always the best way to go (ask your doctors, friends or family who you trust to know you’re considering seeking treatment).

If you know someone that is seeing a therapist they love, ask them to ask their therapist for recommendations – high quality therapists often know of other high quality therapists.

It is my opinion (spoken as an LCSW) that the degree (i.e. the letters that come after someone’s name like LCPC, LPC, LCSW, LMFT, PsyD, PhD etc) are less important than that items I mentioned above.

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Notes:

Note on item (1) after you’ve been in therapy with someone for a while and previously felt like you trusted them / vibed with them / liked them but are no longer feeling as comfortable this is a cue to talk to them about the shift in you from things feeling good / right / helpful to not as good / right / or helpful. This is a time to look our for reactivity or defensiveness from your therapist when having this discussion.

I mention in the post that you want to be weary of a therapist that spends a lot of time talking about themselves. There are therapists that work in what’s called a “relational” framework. This means that they talk about their experiences of you with you to help you better understand how you may impact relationships and people around you. This form of therapy can be incredibly effective when done well. Furthermore, some therapists will share something about themselves as a means to talking about your situation, struggles, or perspective – or as a way to help you feel at ease. It can be a delicate balance, but it’s not that it’s a “bad sign” if a therapist talks about themselves, the key here is the the sessions to feel predominantly focused around you, and to be on the lookout if that’s not your experience.

April 23, 2021March 27, 2023

Emotions as Traffic Signals

While “bad” feelings don’t feel as nice, they are actually incredibly important tools to help us find long term happiness
What if, instead of trying not to have negative emotions, we could learn to embrace them just as we do positive ones?
Negative emotions, like positive emotions, are signals to us about what does and doesn’t work for us
The trouble is sometimes we don’t feel the way we think we “should” feel in a scenario, and so we often want to push our feelings away.
Or, sometimes negative emotions are just plain hard to feel and hold on to because we’ve gotten so used to not feeling them and we don’t like how they feel.
We want to try and work towards connecting with our negative emotions in a sustainable way.
Negative emotions can teach us about what we value (sadness when we experience a loss), when we’ve made a mis-step (guilt), when we feel wronged or betrayed and need to protect ourselves (anger).
Without working on learning how to approach and tolerate these feelings we are vulnerable to missing important cues about what can make our lives better.
See post and comments for how this is different if we are depressed or anxious.

A common request I get in treatment, “You’re going to help me get rid of my bad feelings, right?”. It makes sense. Feeling good feels good and feeling bad feels bad. But, that’s not how it works OR how we want it to work.

Think of your emotions like a traffic signal that help you get to know your authentic self (meaning your personal beliefs, preferences, likes, dislikes, interests, values, and limits. See comments for more).

We are not capable of long-term and sustainable happiness if we are not in touch with our authentic selves, so learning to accept all your feelings is an important step in the process of having more positive feelings overall.

Red light emotions make us stop and signal to us that something isn’t quite right. Those include anger, sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment – and most other emotions you might lump in the “bad” category.

Green light emotions are a signal to move closer to something. Those include joy, pride, satisfaction, hope, interest – and most other emotions you might lump into the “good” category.

Whenever we feel an emotion we are offered an opportunity to pause, reflect, understand, and learn. Examples of some of those lessons are in today’s comments.

Unfortunately, many of us struggle to tolerate the experience of feeling our negative emotions because they feel bad, we don’t like them, and most of us don’t have practice in accepting them. There is a sweet spot between feeling them “enough” to make sense of them, and stewing in them (or overwhelming ourselves with them). Finding that personal sweet spot can take some practice.

When we we’re depressed we’re often so over-run with negative feelings (they’re on overdrive) that they can be difficult to process through or make sense of. Sometimes we feel numb or don’t really feel anything at all. If either of those describes you that’s a sign to consider professional help from a therapist. See comments for more.

So, although you may be tempted to push away negative emotions, try to work towards seeing them as your teacher and your guide. This is best done once you are out of the throes of the negative emotion – sometimes just getting through is all you can do in the moment.

Notes:

Think about what each emotion signals to you. Some examples below for the purpose of some of our most common emotions.
When we feel anger we’ve received a signal we feel wronged, betrayed, or exploited in some way. We can learn from these situations and work to protect ourselves so we are not repeatedly in situations where we feel taken advantage of.
When we feel sad we’ve received a signal we feel the loss of something important or valued to us. Knowing what we value and working towards finding that in our lives (in other ways beyond the loss we just endured) offers us the opportunity to make more and more meaningful experiences moving forward. Sadness also helps us know and recognize how important something or someone was to us (which means we can sometimes feel surprised when we didn’t realize it until we lost it).
When we feel guilt we’ve received a signal that we’ve made a mistep. This signal helps us know when to make a mends, and helps us protect our sense of integrity and self respect.
When we feel fear we’ve received a signal that there is something to be afraid of. We want to work towards finding safety and security for ourselves.
When we feel joy we’ve found something that brings us pleasure. We want to (responsibly) keep that in our lives in a way that’s sustainable with other goals and priorities.
When we feel pride in ourselves or others we’ve received a signal that we or someone important to us has accomplished something of significance.
I mention your “authentic self” in the post. Many of us are confused about our authentic self because culturally, societally, and sometimes by our families we’ve been given messages about how we “should” feel, what we “should” think, and what “should” be important to us. These messages, some of which are well intentioned can confuse our ability to be in touch with how we actually feel, what we actually think and believe, where our limits actually are, and what is actually important to us. I talk about this further in my post on judgments and in my post on “should’s vs wants”.
Anxiety and depression can heighten emotions, and sometimes we can feel intense guilt, sadness, or fear that is not in proportion to the situation we are in or how we authentically feel about something. Feeling a lot of guilt CAN mean you really did something you feel is wrong, or it can mean your emotion is on over drive. While we can still learn from these emotions, the strength of the emotion does not directly match the strength of the lesson. Often times when we are anxious or depressed it’s not that there’s no reason for the feelings we are having, it’s that we don’t understand the reason – and the process of finding the reason can take a lot of reflecting and professional help. We also may need to learn when to listen to emotions and when to to challenge emotions, and figuring out when to do which is a complex process that is best done with a professional.
The premise of this post is that our emotions serve a function; we have them for a reason. Inside Out, the Pixar Movie is a great introduction to this concept, and explores how all of our emotions (including anger and sadness) serve functional and useful purposes for us. If you’re wrestling with this idea, or looking to introduce it to a child, consider watching the movie.

April 20, 2021March 27, 2023

Understanding “Know your Limits”

“Know your limits”, you’ve been told. But what does that mean?
We are often given this advice without any direction as to how to do this, and many of us are operating outside of our limits without awareness
Signs you might be outside your limits: Irritability, anger, resentment towards others, a desire for someone to rescue you from having to acknowledge a limit you may may not want to be a limit.
Sometimes it’s more like a shutting down where we retreat away. Sometimes you may find yourself avoiding.
Many of us hit limits faster when we are tired, hungry, in pain, or scared for our safety (including both immediate threatening dangers, and more subtle /ongoing / systemic dangers, like feeling unable to provide for our families or feeling unsafe in our communities).
We don’t always get to determine our behavior based on where our limits are, but it’s always helpful to know when you’ve hit a limit so you can take steps to take care of yourself and pause (when possible) important decisions and activities
If you read this post and find that you are in this type of place a lot of the time / most of the time consider getting professional help, you may be struggling with anxiety or depression.

“Know your limits.” An easy piece of advice to give, and often a hard piece of advice to enact, especially if you haven’t had role models who knew and respected their limits, and who taught you how to do the same.

If you are someone who has a hard time with recognizing and respecting your limits (and you may not know this is you until you read further) it may help to consider that they may not be where you want them to be, or believe they “should” be.

Sometimes accepting our limits requires making sacrifices.

We can work towards developing awareness of our personal cues that we’ve passed our limits. It can look at feel different for everyone, so this will have to be a personal journey for each person to identify their particular signs. Here are some tips to help you get started on working towards learning where your limits are.

For many of us we get irritable or “snap”. We might say things we regret or start thinking repeated thoughts that are hard to stop (called ruminating), about how upset we are with ourselves or other people.

For others of us we shut down, fall asleep, zone out, or numb out.

Sometimes we look for someone to rescue us so that we don’t have to acknowledge a limit that we wish were not a limit, “maybe she’ll break up with me so I don’t have to”, “maybe I’ll just get fired so it could be over”, “If only he cleaned all this up then I could take a break”.

Sometimes it looks like tunnel vision where it becomes hard for us to problem solve or see the big picture. We can get fixated on one particular perspective or solution when we’re in this mindset.

If you feel the way I’ve described more often than not this is a cue that you may be depressed or anxious. I’d encourage you to seek out professional help.

We don’t always get to determine our behavior based on our limits, but we can work towards recognizing when we’re “not really here” so that we can hold off on important tasks or decisions, take breaks, ask for help, or at a minimum work on taking a few deep breaths and coaching ourselves through a difficult time.

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Notes:

Helpful questions to ask: “Is my behavior and thinking in line with how I genuinely feel, my values, and my priorities?” Do I feel like my emotions are out of control?”
This post has connections to other posts I’ve written, specifically: we hit our limits more easily if our shoulds outweigh our wants, we can look out for increasing internalizing or externalizing when we’ve hit a limit, and we want to offer ourselves compassion as we work towards the process of learning what our limits are and learning how to accept and honor them.
Realizing you’ve hit a limit and aren’t sure what to say to others if you need a moment or to return to an important topic? How about “I need a minute”, “I’m not feeling well, I’m going to need to bow out”, “Can we circle back to this? I’m having trouble thinking through this right now”, “ok, I’m putting myself in a time out, I’ll be back in a bit”.
This is not about perfection. No one can be perfectly “available” at all times, but the idea here is to work towards building that awareness of when we really don’t have it in us to be mostly there in a way that aligns with our values, our priorities, and with capacity to manage our feelings.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

How to Unpack a Judgment

When we’ve used a judgment in talking or thinking through a topic that’s either 1) complex or 2) there’s disagreement or confusion those are times we want to “unpack” the judgment
To “unpack” a judgment we want to substitute the judgmental language with descriptive language. *this skill was developed by Marsha Linehan of DBT*
For many of us, judgments are hard wired in by our families or by our cultures, so they can be hidden or hard to find. Look for words like “should, shouldn’t, right, wrong, good, and bad”. There is often a judgment built in.
The new language after we’ve unpacked the judgment will often include a belief, value, preference, opinion, or potential consequence
Then, we want to try saying (or thinking) about that topic using the new language instead of the judgmental language
This will reduce conflict, increase understanding between parties that don’t share a perspective, and open up avenues for problem solving. It may also help build connection by finding shared values and concerns
When we don’t use judgments we start to take ownership of our perspective and that improves communication and relationships too. I can also reduce shame and increase motivation.
Using a judgment when the meaning behind it is understood by all parties, or everyone is on the same page, is a great use of the tool and enables more efficient communication
Judgments are not inherently bad (there’s a judgment!) but they are tool, and one we need to use judiciously, with intention, and with awareness.

Often times it makes more sense to say “The weather’s good” than “I prefer sunshine to rain, and my intuition is you do too. This warm weather is a pleasant and comfortable experience for us both”. You probably just rolled your eyes. I get it. That’s obnoxious. We can’t talk like that.

In previous posts I covered what a judgment is and how they limit us. Today, we’re covering what to when we hit one. Feel free to keep saying things like “the weather is good”, using judgmental language when the sentiments under it can be easily deduced, or when everyone is naturally on the same page saves time and energy.

We want to work on using a different approach when everyone is not on the same page (like when there is a judgment in a conflict) or when the meaning is not as easily deduced (like complex, confusing, or new topics). When we unpack the judgment (as I call it) or work to replace judgmental words with descriptive words (as DBT calls for) we can communicate more clearly, reduce conflict, decrease experiences of shame, increase motivation, increase our ability to problem solve, and

increase connection between parties even if they have different perspectives.
When instructing my clients on this I tell them they’ve got to work on finding a way to express what they are trying to communicate without using an evaluative statement (most common are should, shouldn’t, right, wrong, good, or bad – but there are others). I.e. How can you try and express exactly what you were trying to say with words that are not evaluative statements.

Having a judgment is not the same as having a belief, a preference, a value or an opinion. When we remove the judgmental language and unpack the beliefs and opinions that are under it we can get to the bottom of your experience and what may be working (or not) for you, or what may be important (or not) for you or the other person.

While judgments are not inherently bad (there’s a judgment), they are tool, and one we need to use judiciously and with awareness. We can communicate more effectively with one another by reducing our use of judgments and by building insight into the beliefs, experiences, preferences, and opinions that inform them.

Notes:

1. Substituting language is not a one for one. If you remove the word good you cannot find a single word that will replace is. You often need to find a way to re-state the whole premise.
2. I like to use the visual of a flag post when I think of judgments. Think of the flag as marking a spot you need to drill down into to find the substance under the superficial judgment.
3. Let’s take an example: “I’m not good at this”. If we’re not going to use judgmental language, we need to get to the bottom of what’s being stated. This is when it’s time to ask ourselves what we really mean. Some possible examples: Is what we really mean “this is new to me and I expected to get the hang of this quicker”? Or “this isn’t interesting enough for me to keep trying”? Or what about “I can see that others around me are better than me, and I just don’t think I’ll ever get there ” or maybe we mean “the skills required of this task are just not skills I have naturally at this point in my life”. Maybe it means “I don’t want to do this any more” or “I feel defeated”. Unlike “I’m not good at this” all of these statements have natural solutions or next steps (unlike “I’m not good at this” which is a dead-end). Maybe this means the person needs to build more skills, maybe this means they want to stop, maybe this means they need more encouragement, maybe they are struggling with comparisons and need to work more at focusing on their progress rather than others. Whatever statement (or statements) fit – and they will be person and situation specific – there is a clear next step and sense of direction which enables problem solving, support, and movement through an issue.
4. Example: “Lying is bad” I think nearly all of us can agree that lying is (typically) problematic. It misrepresents the truth, deceives others, and can violate trust which hurts relationships. I would argue that it’s far more important to communicate to someone who lies why lying is problematic to help someone understand the consequences and potentially be motivated to change their behavior than to simply leave it as “lying is bad”. We are limited by the statement “lying is bad” because it doesn’t provide enough context for someone who doesn’t understand the impact of lying on the community around them. This is a scenario where it’s more helpful to get descriptive and talk about consequences so someone understands why lying is problematic.
5. Example: “It’s wrong to play video games all day.”. So clearly the speaker is upset about the other party’s decision to spend time on video games, but there is actually a lot to unpack here. Why does this upset the speaker? Is the other person not contributing enough at home? Are they just relaxing after a long day? Is the speaker someone who has a hard time slowing down and finds themselves resentful when they see someone else slow down? Could the video game player be overwhelmed and numbing out their life? Is the person making the statement angry because they feel an imbalance in the relationship? If we don’t unpack what makes it “wrong” we can’t begin to solve and address the underlying concerns – both the possible issues within the player, and the concerns held by the person speaking the statement.
6. Example: “Don’t take away my guns. Gun control is wrong.”. Alternately, “Guns are bad. We need gun control”. (Yes. I’ve chosen a hot button topic for the sake of example. I want to be clear these are examples and are not representative of my beliefs. I am choosing this to illustrate how judgmental language can limit political discourse). We have so little information from either statement about why gun control is bad, or why guns are bad. It’s unclear if we’re talking about safety issues, self-protection issues, fear of not being able to protect oneself, an emotional attachment to ether side – you name it. It’s very hard to problem solve because the statements don’t appear to have much overlap, and we’re not talking about the actual concerns, priorities, fears, needs, and beliefs from either side. If we’re going to address the issue of guns (or other political issues) we need to be be able to clearly articulate our priorities, needs, concerns, fears, and beliefs around them. Then we can create laws that address those topics. We may also find overlap that we weren’t previously aware existed if we can move away from the judgments and get more descriptive with the concerns at hand.

7. Not sure if it’s a judgment? See this post.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

How Judgments Limit us

Judgements are shortcuts we use instead of taking ownership of our beliefs, values, morals, opinions and perspectives
We can use them instead of acknowledging consequences
We can also use judgments as a way to try and control ourselves or others
Sometimes we use language like “bad” or “wrong” or “shouldn’t” and we can’t articulate why or we don’t understand what we mean by it, we just feel strongly that it “is”
Judgments hugely limits our ability to talk to people who have differing values / opinions / beliefs / perspectives
Judgments also limit our ability to understand ourselves, deal with underlying concerns, and meet underlying needs
When we rely on judgments to communicate or think through something we are more prone to misunderstanding, disconnection, confusion, conflict and overall stuck-ness.
We often time can’t get anywhere productive in the conversation or in our thoughts and get hung up on the same issues again and again. If you find this happening internally or in conversation look for a judgment – it might be hidden.
This is a three part series. See previous post for clarification on how to identify a judgment. Post to come on what to do when we are stuck on a judgment.

Marsha Linehan describes judgments as short-cuts that allow us to hide our values, perspectives, preferences, beliefs, or moral stances behind absolute statements. We don’t have to take ownership when we use a judgment. Something just “is”.

We often use language like “it’s wrong” or “it’s bad” as a substitute for statements like “I don’t like this”, “it has potential consequences”, or “my values differ from this”. We say “It’s good”, but what we may really mean is that we see value in it and/or are willing to treat it as important.

Judgments can also be a way to try and control ourselves or others. After all, it’s It’s not “wrong” to run a red light, but it could be dangerous. This example may feel like a technicality – we all know running red lights is dangerous and that’s what the speaker means. However, this gets much more complicated when we rely on judgments to discuss topics that are not generally agreed upon or where the meaning behind it is not as easily deduced.

When we rely on judgments about what (to us) makes a person or situation good, bad, worthy, unworthy, right, or wrong, we often can’t articulate why we’ve labeled something the way we have. For many of us we stop when we get to a judgment. It becomes a dead end where we lose the capacity for curiosity, exploration, and understanding. We can lose our ability to communicate the reasons behind our perspective, and think through why something works or is problematic for us.

When we use judgments internally about ourselves (as we often do when we are anxious or depressed: “I’m worthless”, “I shouldn’t do that”) or externally about others (which we often do in relationships: “he should know better”, “she’s bad news”). We also end up shaming ourselves or others with negative judgments, and that can lead to intense feelings of inadequacy combined with a lack of understanding about how to change or what the actual issue is. Aka, being stuck.

Notes:

Example: Let’s take an example of how a judgment can limit us: “The Fish is Bad”. You and I both probably understand that to mean that whoever made the statement is not enjoying the fish in front of them. But imagine, that you are a server being told by a patron “the fish is bad”. As someone who is in a position to try and solve a problem for your customer, you’re limited. Does this mean the fish is rancid, too salty, under cooked, over-cooked, too cold, or any one of a number of other potential problems with food? You, as the server, have no way to know unless you dig in and ask the patron what they mean. Lucky for our server, this is probably a scenario where the patron can clearly state the problem with the fish and the server can attend the meal by re-heating, replacing, re-seasoning, etc. But sometimes we use language like “it’s bad” and we can’t articulate why or we don’t necessarily understand what we mean by it, we just feel strongly that it “is”.
Let’s look at a more nuanced example: “I’m not good at this”. I am guessing this is a thought we’ve all had at one point or another, and we are very prone to thoughts like this if we’ve ever struggled with anxiety or depression. This thought is one that’s likely to lead us to stop trying, to give up, and to believe something isn’t for us. We are likely to feel shame and inadequacy when we talk to ourselves (or others) this way. And in addition to all those problems, we aren’t left with any avenues for how to try and help ourselves improve, learn, grow, or even what we can do. We’re just stuck
Example: “Don’t take away my guns. Gun control is wrong.” Alternately, “Guns are bad. We need gun control”. (Yes. I’ve chosen a hot button topic for the sake of example. I want to be clear these are examples and are not representative of my beliefs. I am choosing this to illustrate how judgmental language can limit political discourse). We have so little information from either statement about why gun control is bad, or why guns are bad. It’s unclear if we’re talking about safety issues, self-protection issues, fear of not being able to protect oneself, an emotional attachment to ether side – you name it. Problem solving is made much more complicated because the statements don’t appear to have much overlap in terms of solutions that might address common values, priorities or concerns. ,We also can’t address the, fears, needs, and beliefs from either side. I’ll take this example back on in the next post when I explain how to more constructively communicate when judgements arise.
Positive judgments are problematic too, because they too provide little information about WHY something is good or WHAT we value. Positive judgments don’t have the same shaming effect, but they do limit our ability to clearly share our perspective, values, beliefs, etc.
Not sure how to identify a judgment? see this post.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

How to Identify a Judgment

Judgments: Part one. Identifying a Judgment
Why is this important? We can’t change our use of something until we can identify it. Part two and three of this series will cover how judgments limit us and when (and when not) to use them.
A judgment is an evaluative statement (i.e. a statement where we express a value).
A judgment is NOT a preference.
A judgment is NOT an opinion or belief.
A judgment is NOT a description of your perspective
A judgment is NOT an actual or anticipated consequence

Judgments are a hot topic these days, and I see a lot of confusion (and at times hurt and conflict) about what IS and ISN’T a judgment. See below for explanation and examples. A post to follow about how judgments limit us, how to get to the bottom of them, and when/when not to use them.

A judgment is an evaluative statement (i.e. a statement where we express a value). Three examples of judgments below:

(1) The fish is bad
(2) You made the right decision
(3) You shouldn’t talk to me this way

In the three examples above the statements made express judgments; a value about the fish (it’s bad), a value about the decision (it was right) a value about how to talk to me (not that way).

Below are statements or thoughts that are often accused of being judgments, but are not. You may not like it when someone says any of these things, but they are not judgments.

A judgment is NOT a preference:

(1) I don’t like the fish
(3) I don’t like being spoken to in that way

A judgment is NOT an opinion or belief.

(1) I think this fish is over-cooked
(2) I agree with how you handled that
(3) I feel/believe/think that tone is disrespectful

A judgment is NOT a description, your perspective, or your experience:

(1) This fish tastes salty
(2) That decision makes a lot of sense
(3) It sounds like you’re angry from your tone

A judgment is NOT an actual or anticipated consequence:

(1) If you eat that I think you’ll get sick
(2) I think you’ll be happier now that you’ve decided that.
(3) When you use that tone it hurts my feelings

How do morals fit in? I would argue that morals are personally or communally held beliefs. that it is wrong to ____ or right to ____ or we should _____. We are entitled to hold personal / communal morals AND we want to understand why we hold them. See the next two posts for how we can own our morals, stand by them, understand them, and effectively communicate them in a way that builds connection even if we don’t share values.

Notes:

Hints to help you find judgments in yourself or other’s thoughts or statements: words like, “Should, Shouldn’t, Right, Wrong, Good, Bad, easy, and hard” are usually judgmental. A statement doesn’t have to include these words to be a judgment.
We all use judgments more than we realize. Try going an hour without using the words “right, wrong, should, shouldn’t, easy, hard, good or bad” and you’ll come to realize how much you rely on them.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

Couples Therapy

Many couples wait until it’s too late to start couples treatment
Your relationship is not flawed / defective / “not worth it” if you decide to try couples therapy.
There is no shame in going to couples treatment and working towards strengthening a partnership.
This type of work is especially helpful if one or both parties want to work towards a different kind of relationship for their partnership than the one that was modeled for them growing up.
In my experience most insurance (including medicaid, medicare, and privately held insurance) covers couples work.

Too many couples wait until they are at their breaking point (or beyond) to start treatment.

One of the first things said by my Couples Therapy professor at @Uchicago was that many couples wait too long to start treatment; for many of them it’s too late to help the relationship heal.

If there is one thing I wish more people knew about couples work it’s that it’s never too early to go, you don’t need for things to be “really bad”, and things don’t need to be “bad” at all to go in.

Therapists are not magicians, and they can only do so much to heal a relationship where both parties have been emotionally injuring one another for extended periods of time. Just like it’s better to start treating a cold or flu early on rather than leaving symptoms to grow and compound, it’s better to get in couples therapy earlier rather than later.

Yes, couples therapy can address problems but it can also help strengthen your foundation (improve communication, openness, and support), learn how to fight in ways that will not hurt the relationship or one another, navigate a transition (new job, a move, new baby), or just simply be a place to talk without distractions and with the help of an expert. In fact, getting in early before huge problems arise can build resilience and ward off problems that might have otherwise built up over time.

You don’t need to be married to go, and no, that does not mean your relationship is “doomed” or that you “shouldn’t need it” if you decide to go as an unmarried couple, a newly married couple, or a couple that’s been together for ages there is something to be learned and gained.

Find out if your insurance covers couples work. Call your member services number on the back of your insurance card and ask if “family therapy” is covered. If they ask you for a “CPT code” (this is a billing code) more often than not a therapist will bill code “90847”, so ask the therapist and the insurance company in advance so you can know if it is covered and what expected costs may be.

Notes:

Wondering how you can use couples therapy? Talk about how you fight. Talk about how you plan for the future together. Talk about your sex life. Talk about what needs are met by the relationship. Talk about what feels healing to you after conflict. Talk about what your triggers are. Talk about what you learned from prior relationships about what helps you function well in a relationship.

Looking for help changing how you fight? See this prior post.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

How Change Happens

Long Term Change happens gradually
We are all capable of making quick changes, but more often than not we want to make sustainable changes and that is a different (and much slower) process.
We often give up or think of ourselves as a failure / lazy when we encounter a situation where we fall into old patterns rather than use the new ones we are trying to work towards.
This happens because we’ve tried to use the new skill without really getting the hang of it first.
When we want to change a behavior or pattern we need to start working on making changes in low stress situations and work on increasing the complexity only when we are able to do the new thing consistently in the low stress situation.
Unfortunately, we can feel defeated because those high stress / more complex / difficult situations will still arise before we’ve been able to make the changes necessary to handle them in the new way.
Those moments are not failures. They just arose before we were ready.
The key is to stick to the gradual plan rather than give up. You will get there eventually.

When you learned how to drive, did you start on the highway? Probably not. You probably started in a parking lot, got your bearings, and gradually made your way to side streets, main streets, and eventually you got on the highway.

Often, when we try to change, whether it’s building a new habit or trying a new coping skill, we come into it with unrealistically high expectations of ourselves or others for how quickly that learning and growth process should be. Then, we can’t keep up with the activity or properly implement the skill and despite our interest or desire to change we lose hope, can start to feel like a failure, or we label ourselves (or others) as lazy or incapable.

This is because more often than not we start on “the highway” rather than in “the parking lot” with something new. The time to start working on learning how to take deep breaths to soothe your nerves is not when you’re at your wits end. It’s when you feel a little off.

The time to work on being more vulnerable with your partner is not when you’re feeling intense negative feelings, it’s when you feel pretty safe and comfortable with them and yourself.

The time to start working on taking a step back and pausing rather than saying something you might regret is when you’re a little irritated not fuming with anger.

Eventually, with time and practice you can work your way up to more complex situations. The goal is to get to those situations, but to be effective in them we can’t start with them or get to them before we’re ready.

The trouble for many people is that those difficult situations will continue to arise while you are working on building this new way of doing things. This can leave someone feeling like a failure because they fall into old patterns. But, the way to really make change is to accept that you will get to those more complex situations eventually and the way to get there is with lots of practice in simple(r) situations. See comments for more.

We must work our way up to situations with increasing complexity and intensity and we must do it gradually, otherwise we are not setting ourselves up for success or permanent change.

Notes:

A “complex” situation may not seem “complex” at first. It may seem really simple, like “we were just trying to figure out who was going to load to the dishwasher” but what makes it complex is your mood, what your day was like before, how prepared you were for the conversation, what this relationship is like more generally, and how you felt about how the other person was reacting to what you were saying. How able we are to do new things is also diminished if we are hungry, tired, or in pain. Trust yourself. If it felt intense, it probably was.
In this account I am going to offer you A LOT of suggested coping mechanisms, ways to think, and ways to potentially change how you approach yourself, others, and the world. You may, at times feel overwhelmed, or like you can’t keep it with you. THIS IS NORMAL AND HEALTHY. The only way to really integrate changes is to expose yourself again and again, stick with it, keep trying, and taking things bit by bit and chunk by chunk.
When I do skills based work with clients, and I cover the materials I am sharing in this account, I tell folks to expect it to take two years for life to really be different and for these skills to feel seamless. Now, that doesn’t mean two years to see changes; progress and change can start right away – that means two years of learning, talking, revisiting, applying the skills, and then covering them all again and again until they become second nature (though they will probably always require some degree of intentionality). Two years may sound like a lot, but that’s with me teaching 50-100 skills. So if you’re only working on a handful of things it will and can go faster.
Example: If you are trying to work on not saying something in anger that you might regret start working on it when you’re annoyed, irritated or angry (but at like a 1 or 2 out of 10). Anything beyond that, you want to just let go, tell yourself you’ll get there eventually, and stay working on those less intense situations. Once you can do that consistently, then try upping the scale to a 3 or 4 – or perhaps a situation where the outcome isn’t terribly important to you (like if you got overcharged for gas and you’re angry you may be more likely to challenge yourself to take a breather before speaking than if your family member who regularly drives you nuts says something irritating…again). Keep working up to increasingly important relationships (the more important the relationship the higher stress the situation may be), increasingly important topics (like getting a raise is going to more important than returning a 3 dollar item), increasingly difficult scenarios (like it’s going to be harder to keep your cool when you’re starving and tired then when you’re well fed and rested), and relationships with decreasing safety (like if you often feel judged by someone they are going to be harder to be vulnerable with than someone who you feel is accepting, supportive, and forgiving).
You don’t have to have it all mapped out at first, that would be way too complicated. Just work towards looking for opportunities that feel accessible, keep trying, and work to reflect on what may have made a situation where you didn’t succeed stressful so you can be thoughtful about how to approach it again.