Blog - Page 7 of 7 - Kate Gegg, AM, LCSW

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

The Four Horsemen

The way we fight can effect the stability of our relationship.
When we have a disagreement in a close relationship we want to make sure we move through conflict productively
The Gottman Institute has identified four dynamics, that left unchanged, lead to the demise of many relationships.
Or, they leave couples “together” but unhappy and disconnected
Criticism – attacking your partner. Instead, address a specific problem.
Contempt – treating your partner as less than you. Instead, work towards mutuality and respect.
Defensiveness – not looking at or accepting how we have contributed to a problem. Instead, work towards listening openly to the other perspective and taking accountability when and where it’s due.
Stonewalling – Shutting down or not engaging with a topic. Instead, don’t resolve a conflict prematurely, take breaks, and return to topics repeatedly as needed.

The Gottman Institute has spent decades conducting research on couples, communication, and connection. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are four dynamics they have identified that can lead to the demise of connection, trust, mutual admiration, love, and even the relationship itself.

Below are summaries of each dynamic and suggested changes. See the comments for where to learn more.

Criticism – when you express how you are upset by attacking your partner’s personality and character.
Contempt – This is when one partner sees themselves as better than the other and makes attempts to diminish the other partner through words or gestures. This comes out in communication that is disrespectful, including (but not limited to) mocking, name-calling, and eye-rolling.
Defensiveness – This is when one partner struggles to admit how they’ve participated in a situation and often times blames, denies, rationalizes, and deflects.
Stonewalling – this is when one party (or both) stops truly engaging with the problem(s) at hand. This can be silence, shutting down, giving in when we don’t genuinely want to but just want the conversation to end, or compromising in ways that don’t actually work for us, but just end the conflict for right now.

These are complex dynamics, but there is help.

Criticism – work towards bringing up one issue at a time (and one issue only). Focus on the problem rather than the character of the person. Try and work together against the problem, rather than treating the person as the problem.
Contempt – Eliminate disrespectful communication from conflict (this takes practice and sometimes taking a break). Try and actively remind yourself of your partner’s strengths even in a disagreement so you will be less prone to diminishing their value.
Defensiveness – work towards trying to understand how you have participated in the problem being discussed. While it can be helpful to share your intentions, work towards understanding the impact of your actions and taking accountability.
Stonewalling – Take pauses and return to conversations as needed. Don’t make compromises you aren’t genuinely comfortable accepting.

Notes:

There is an *excellent* youtube cartoon based video on this from the Gottman Institute called “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (dated 12/15/2014) which includes suggestions for how to change these dynamics.
Seeing a Gottman trained therapist can also help you and your partner make these changes. To find a Gottman trained therapist, and resources from the Gottman Institute see their hompage.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

Shoulds vs. Wants

Shoulds – Things we do out of a sense of obligation or responsibility to ourselves or others
Wants – Things we do bring us joy or that we feel like doing in the moment
(nearly) everything we spend our time on can be thought of as a “should” or a “want”
If we don’t have a balance between “shoulds” and “wants” we can develop a whole host of problems
“balance” doesn’t have to mean equal time
Too many shoulds and we may find ourselves feeling burned out, miserable, and resentful
Too many wants and we may have trouble in relationships or keeping up with responsibilities
The process of figuring out what’s a “should” and what’s a “want” can be surprising and challenging to suss out

Nearly all activities in life can be broken down into things you “want” to do and things you feel (or other people tell you) you “should” do. Marsha Linehan (of DBT) focused on how this applies to relationships, but I think it goes beyond that.

Things in the “want” column genuinely interest us, we enjoy doing, and we (more) easily make time for. They can be responsibilities or requests of us by others, but we’d probably still do them if left to our own devices.

Things in the “should” column feel more like obligations placed on us by ourselves, our culture, our society, and the people around us. Sometimes they are so ingrained we don’t question them. We can still enjoy or feel fulfilled by them, but more often than not we enjoy having “done” them rather than the act of “doing” them.

We can sometimes get confused here, because we put something in the “want” column that actually belongs in the “should” column. A good clue that you’re in this situation is that you can’t seem to “find time” for something or you dread it, feel anxious about or irritated by it.

Keeping a balance between shoulds and wants is essential for our well being. And no, balance does not have to mean equal time.

People that are too heavily weighted in the shoulds may be meeting the expectations of their friends, family, society and/or culture, but may feel burned out, miserable, and resentful. They may also avoid additional activities they feel they “should” do because they’re just too spent. They also may feel guilty or anxious when they try and release themselves from the expectation of the should.

People that are too heavily weighted in the wants can have trouble in relationships, be perceived as “self-centered”, and sometimes have other troubles like debt or a tough time sticking with something.

If you’re finding yourself feeling stuck, unhappy, in a rut etc – try going through the exercise of sorting the things you spend your time on into “shoulds” and “wants”. The key here is to be honest with yourself, and this process can be surprising (see comments for common pitfalls).

If you come to recognize you’re heavily weighted one way or the other it may be time for a change

Notes:

Too many wants and shoulds overall is an inability to prioritize. This can lead to a different but also problematic circumstance in which we feel all the negatives of being too heavily weighted both ways AND difficulties with decision making.
Sometimes things feel neither like a want or a should but more like something we do to pass time or to help us numb out – that’s a different category of things for another day / post
I know this may sound VERY privileged, but the key is to remember to consider what you want if you find your life is over-run with shoulds. This can be as simple as a 20 second pause and deep breath before walking in your home after a long day or an extra minute in the shower to just take in a moment of relaxation
Common things that we think of as wants but may be shoulds depending on your personality: Exercise, Reading, Learning a language, playing an instrument, Seeing particular family or friends, cooking, tasks related to career or academic development, reaching a culturally valued milestone (like purchasing a home, getting married, or having a child)
Quick tip: if you are having trouble identifying wants start asking yourself “what to I feel like doing / eating / wearing / spending time on” etc throughout your day. The wants will likely start to creep in. If not, see a post to come on mindfulness.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

For Every Action there is an Equal and Opposite Reaction

What if no one is ever “over-reacting”? What if our strong emotions are reasonable reactions to the moment we are in, as well as other moments and experiences that preceded it?
When we tell ourselves or others we are “over-reacting” we shift the focus from what may be causing the reaction to how big the reaction is.
We want to learn from big strong feelings, and while we need to be able to manage them, we can’t learn from them when we push them away or deny them.
Ongoing emotional suppression (pushing emotions down) and invalidation (denying them) have big risks – they can contribute to anxiety and depression.
When faced with strong emotions, try approaching them with curiosity, even if you don’t like or agree with them.
This means acknowledging, but then temporarily setting aside that part of yourself that wants to say, “but wait! this doesn’t make any sense! This is ridiculous!”
This curiosity and willingness to understand our emotions will make it more likely we can learn and grow from these experiences – and take care of ourselves and others before blow-ups and melt-downs happen.

When faced with powerful emotions – our own, or others – it’s tempting to say we (or others) are “over-reacting”. Unfortunately, when we respond in this way we not only invalidate (deny) the emotions, but we also reduce our ability to understand what may be behind the reaction. Repeated experiences of invalidation and emotional suppression can heighten anxiety and depression

But! There is another way we can engage with these moments that improves self-awareness / partner – awareness, connection, and decreases the likelihood of repeated conflict or ongoing internal struggle

First we must make some basic assumptions internally before engaging with what’s happened (and yes, you really must buy into these points for you to truly be curious rather than critical).

1) Let’s assume the big reaction comes from a valid place even if we think this reaction is stronger than what the situation calls for

2) Let’s remember that at any given time all of us are responding to whatever happened immediately to spark a reaction (also called a trigger), as well as a lifetime of other experiences that preceded this moment and that may be informing how we respond

(A key point: Even though our feelings are valid, how we express them can be problematic. Just because it “comes from a valid place” it doesn’t mean we don’t want to work towards changing how those big reactions come out or or processed within us)

Next, we introduce as much curiosity as possible to try and understand what has happened. We cannot truly be curious if we are still invested in the idea that “this was too much”, so keep coming back to those assumptions until you really buy in

The KEY here is to move away from invalidating by saying or thinking “this has been blown out of proportion”, “you’re just being crazy”, “you’re over-reacting”, etc to a mindset of curiosity and trust, “something’s really gotten stirred up here, let’s try and get to the bottom of it”

Once we REALLY understand it, then we can address it and maybe even solve for it, but until that understanding happens we’ll be having the same internal struggles or the same fight over and over again with our partner, self, relative or friend

Notes:

Pro tip – wait until emotions have calmed before trying to dive into being curious about them
Pro tip – this really only works with a (mostly) mature adult brain (brains reach maturity in our 20s). I.e. This exact version of coping is not suited for kids and some adolescents, though there are versions of this you can bring to your relationships with your children. See @biglittlefeelings and @janetlansbury or read Daniel Siegal’s whole brain child for more info on young kids and how to approach their big feelings in a productive way
Sample questions to help promote curiosity. This is a great journaling exercise or topic to think through on a walk. *Can you name what you’re feeling? (You are probably feeling more than one thing). Try and lay all the feelings out. It doesn’t matter if it feels conflicting or doesn’t make any sense. *Have you felt this way before? In what other kinds of situations? Lay those out too. Is there a link you see between this past situation and the current one? (i.e. do reactions like this tend to happen more when you feel lonely, unheard, misunderstood, exhausted, etc)? *Does your reaction feel linked to anything else going on in your life at this time, or in past relationships? Let your mind wander a bit, it doesn’t have to “fit” or “make sense” at first. Sometimes we only see these connections after we’ve laid them out and sat with them for a while.

April 13, 2021March 27, 2023

Internalizing vs. Externalizing: Where and how we assign responsibility

Internalizing: “I screwed this up” or “This went well because of my hard work”.
Externalizing: “if it weren’t for this situation this would (or wouldn’t) have worked out” or “This really wasn’t my doing/responsibility”.
If we are inclined to internalize we struggle to accept the impact of external factors on our successes or struggles. We are inclined to over-emphasize our role leading to any given outcome.
If we are more inclined to externalize we have a hard time seeing and accepting how we contributed to the outcome of any given situation. We are likely to over-emphasize the role of factors outside our control.
If we externalize or internalize (and most of us are doing this some of the time) we misattribute responsibility for a problem or a win. This limits our ability to solve or replicate it.
Unfortunately, Internalizing and externalizing can heighten depression, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, conflict, and feelings of inadequacy.
The answer: Work on being more mindful (i.e. present and accepting of yourself and your circumstances in an objective way). This will enable you have a more accurate understanding of why things turned out the way they did.
More on mindfulness in another post. For now, work on trying to better understand your patterns of internalizing vs externalizing. You may come to find you do both!

When something goes how we had hoped, or we find ourselves upset or disappointed by an outcome, how do we make sense of how that outcome came to be?

If we are inclined to Internalize, we are more likely to assume the outcome is largely due to something within us. We look at the situation, and our narrative for it is about how we engaged with it in a way that determined the outcome.

At the other end of the spectrum (and yes, this is a spectrum) is the tendency to Externalize. This is when we assign most responsibility to something outside of ourselves.

Sometimes, responsibility for something does belong totally at one end of the spectrum (i.e. something is completely due to circumstances outside of our control – or something entirely within our control). For MOST circumstances in life, however, responsibility falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

Very few people conceptualize problems totally at one end of the spectrum or another at all times, but I would argue many of us routinely misattribute where the responsibility for events falls on this spectrum. And, we are more likely to misattribute when in emotional duress.

When we externalize we can feel anxious, depressed, out of control, helpless, like we can’t influence the environment around us, like the victim of our circumstances, or like the beneficiaries of lucky chance. We may be more prone to blaming (or celebrating) others and not seeing our own participation.

When we internalize, we are more likely to feel depressed, anxious, inadequate, guilty, or like a failure. We may be more prone to blaming (or celebrating) ourselves and not seeing how other people or factors contributed to an outcome.

Unfortunately, internalizing and externalizing leaves us unable to effectively problem solve or replicate a win because we’ve misattributed where the problem lies or what brought us our success.

The solution? Improving your capacity for mindfulness. That is, working on being more present and accepting with yourself and the reality around you, and seeing that reality in an objective way. That increased objectivity will strengthen your ability to see where on this spectrum an event falls.

Notes:

I did not develop idea internalizing vs externalizing. This is a very widely accepted psychological concept, though I wish I could credit who initially developed it!
Daniel Siegel, author of Mindsight and director of the mindsight institute has done a lot of work to show how the capacity for being present and mindful can improve outcomes in the ways I am discussing (and beyond).

April 13, 2021March 27, 2023

Finding Balance in Relationships: How to effectively consider ourselves and others

Too often we are advised to set a boundary in a way that can feel like it hyper-prioritizes what we want to say, but may not give enough consideration to how we come across or what feels “right” to us personally
Alternately, often times we come to believe that to take care of a relationship we can’t speak in a way that is authentic and honest
If you’re struggling to figure out how to say something, or in relationships more generally work towards identifying your priority between your sense of self-respect, how you want the other person to feel, and your goals for any given interaction.
Further explanation in post below. Numbered examples beneath it

When Relationships are going well we are regularly balancing taking care of ourselves and the relationship. Marsha Linehan developed the following strategy in DBT and I’d like to give you my take on it while explaining her ideas.

The basic premise is for our relationships to go well we need to feel good about ourselves; be authentic about our limits, needs, and preferences; treat one another with consideration and respect, and (assuming it’s not in conflict with what I just mentioned) at times prioritize what someone else wants or needs over what we would prefer. And yes, we need to do ALL of these things MOST of the time.

Our relationships can run into trouble when we are not giving enough consideration to the needs of the relationship, our sense of self-respect, and our objectives (goals) for any given interaction. I like to envision these as points on a triangle – connected, but distinct.

When our priority is an Objective, we want to focus on the specific outcome we want in a situation (asking a favor, saying yes, saying no, etc). When our priority is the Relationship, we want to prioritize how the other person will feel about us when the interaction ends (which may include focusing on their request, emotional needs, perspective, concerns, etc). When our priority is Self-Respect we want to prioritize our integrity and how we feel about ourselves (how much we share, what our values are, etc).

So, whether the Objective, the Relationship, or our sense of Self-Respect is our priority at any given moment in time, we still want to say things in a way that takes care of the other two points. You may find some priorities and values change day to day and / or over time – this is normal! One size does not fit all.

If you can’t figure out how to say something, or are finding yourself repeatedly struggling in relationships, it can help to think of this triangle, rank order your priorities between the three corners of the triangle, and develop what you will say or how you will act with consideration to the priority and the other 2 corners. And yes, you MUST rank them. This can be the hardest part.

See examples below. There is no one right way.

1. For the sake of the examples listed below let’s come up with some ideas for how to effectively say no to a request to attend a party ( assuming it’s non-covid times) – AND – things to avoid saying / doing. Let’s assume you like the person, want to remain #friends, but just aren’t a party person.

2. Objective is to: not go. Relationship: You want the friendship to grow. Self-Respect: You don’t want to reveal the rationale for not going.Objective is priority, relationship is second, self respect is third: Consider saying “Thank you for inviting me. I’m not up for it, but I hope you have a great time”

3. Relationship is priority, objective is second, self-respect is third: Consider saying “I really appreciate this invitation. I was so happy you included me. I hope we can get together another time, but I’m not up for it this time around. Thanks”

4. Self-respect is priority, relationship is second, objective is third: Consider saying, “Because I care about you and our relationship I want to let you know that I’m not really a party person. I’m going to decline, but I hope you know it’s not because I don’t want to spend time with you. I’d love for us to get together another time in a smaller group, or one-on-one”.

5. Things to avoid saying: “Not this time, but let me know about the next one!” If you’re really not a party person, you’re just setting yourself up to be invited again and it will probably not care for the relationship to have someone continue to extend themselves only for you to turn them down repeatedly.

6. Things to avoid saying: “No” (and only no) While “#no” is not inappropriate, it may not be enough context to care for the relationship and is not likely to communicate that you want to see this person again, just not in this context. Similarly, ignoring the request / not acknowledging it doesn’t give enough consideration to the relationship, as the other party may interpret that as you not being interested in them as opposed to not being interested in the party.

7. Things to avoid saying: “I don’t go to parties because _______”. While it’s OK to provide context, we don’t want you feeling like you NEED to rationalize or contextualize your boundaries to set them. Maybe with some close folks you loop them in, but this isn’t necessary. You get to have your boundaries and keep your rationale to them private unless you WANT to share them. IF you want to, then by all means share! That sharing (vulnerability) can improve connections and relationships.

April 13, 2021March 27, 2023

Rethinking Never Go to Bed Angry

This advice can put pressure on couples to resolve conflict prematurely.
Sometimes one or both parties “give up and give in” rather than truly work something through. This leaves the partnership vulnerable to the same disagreement time and again, or disconnection through shutting down.
For our partnerships and relationships to be healthy, we can’t cut corners.
Don’t be afraid to pause a conversation, difficult conversations shouldn’t last hours.
How to do it: Either party can request a pause. Both parties hold responsibility for bringing a topic back up. Repeat the cycle. Avoid avoiding (see post below for further details)

You’ve probably heard this advice before, that when you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t go to bed angry. As a couple’s therapist, I (largely) disagree.

My concern with this advice, which I think in a non-literal way means “don’t hold onto anger”, is that it can encourage premature resolution of a difficult topic; it can create anxiety about strong negative feelings, like “it will hurt our relationship if we don’t fix it right now”; and it can put pressure on resolving an issue quickly rather than effectively.

Often times, in my experience, couples interpret this advice to mean “you have to resolve any and all conflict before you fall asleep” or “once we start a fight we finish it, even if it takes hours of talking”.

While we don’t want to have a disagreement, stop verbally communicating, but then go on fuming internally (this is called amplifying our emotions). It can actually be *hugely* helpful to give ourselves and our partner some space when we’ve had a difficult discussion, disagreement, or fight. Though it may be tempting to “get it all out” we want to make sure you’re equipped to resolve the issues at hand, and overwhelming ourselves or the other party can have the opposite effect.

In therapist language there is something called the window of tolerance (this could be a whole other post), but the short summary of it is we all have breaking points – times when we’re too tired, too grumpy, too burnt out to keep talking through something in a productive way. In these moments one of the most helpful things you can do to take care of yourself and your partnership is take a step back, pause the conversation, and agree to return to it.

How to do it: Either party can request a pause when they feel it’s needed and the other party should respect that boundary. The pause is just that – a pause – and both parties should make a commitment to bringing up the topic again after some time (at least a few hours but can be days or weeks). Returning to the topic is essential, otherwise it’s avoidance. Also avoidance: refusing to really grapple with the topic. Sometimes we need to go through the cycle multiple times. That’s ok! Give it a try.

April 13, 2021November 4, 2021

Introduction

Hi! I’m Kate (she/her), a Therapist in Chicago. I have been in private practice for more than 5 years, and practicing therapy for more than 10. I see adults, adolescents, couples, and I used to work with kids. I got my master’s degree in Social Work from University of Chicago and my undergraduate degree in Psychology from Colby College. Prior to graduate school I worked in Psychiatric Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, and I have provided treatment in inpatient, outpatient, group practice, and community mental health settings.

In my work over the years I have come to see common patterns in why and how people struggle, and have found myself feeling disheartened that therapeutic tools, approaches, and techniques are not more broadly accessible. Having access to these tools and approaches deepens quality of life; improves relationships, well being and overall Mental Health; all while reducing conflict, anxiety, and depression. I found my own personal therapy accelerated and deepened after my training, and for years I’ve looked for an approachable way to make this information more accessible to my clients and the community at large. I’ve created an instagram account (@copingwithkate) in the hopes of helping more people than I could reach through providing individual therapy alone. I will share posts here, though some formatting may be strange because it is intended for instagram.

A few things about me: I have studied these tools and approaches, received formal training in them, and seen them help hundreds of people, myself included. While I am most certainly not a perfect person nor do I lead a flawless life, I think these tools and concepts can help nearly everyone find greater happiness and fulfillment. I also think these tools and concepts can help insulate all of us from difficult times, and give us ways to cope that might not be intuitive in the moment. I personally believe that there is too large of a gap between “popular” psychology, and what is known and studied by therapists. The concepts I learned in my training and in graduate school are useful and you don’t need to be in therapy or go to graduate school to learn them (though therapy most certainly helps you apply them).

I do not believe there is a such a thing as a life without pain – but – I do believe we can all strengthen our ability to endure pain, learn from it, and grow as a result and my hope is these tools and this account will help you do just that. I also believe we all have the ability to learn and grow, and that being “stuck” is often about not having the right tools or resources – or repeating patterns that may not work in times when we’re not sure what else to do. So, I will share what I can through this medium in the hopes that it will help, though – this is not a substitute for therapy itself (said with the knowledge that one-on-one therapy is not accessible for all).