- Shoulds – Things we do out of a sense of obligation or responsibility to ourselves or others
- Wants – Things we do bring us joy or that we feel like doing in the moment
- (nearly) everything we spend our time on can be thought of as a “should” or a “want”
- If we don’t have a balance between “shoulds” and “wants” we can develop a whole host of problems
- “balance” doesn’t have to mean equal time
- Too many shoulds and we may find ourselves feeling burned out, miserable, and resentful
- Too many wants and we may have trouble in relationships or keeping up with responsibilities
- The process of figuring out what’s a “should” and what’s a “want” can be surprising and challenging to suss out
Nearly all activities in life can be broken down into things you “want” to do and things you feel (or other people tell you) you “should” do. Marsha Linehan (of DBT) focused on how this applies to relationships, but I think it goes beyond that.
Things in the “want” column genuinely interest us, we enjoy doing, and we (more) easily make time for. They can be responsibilities or requests of us by others, but we’d probably still do them if left to our own devices.
Things in the “should” column feel more like obligations placed on us by ourselves, our culture, our society, and the people around us. Sometimes they are so ingrained we don’t question them. We can still enjoy or feel fulfilled by them, but more often than not we enjoy having “done” them rather than the act of “doing” them.
We can sometimes get confused here, because we put something in the “want” column that actually belongs in the “should” column. A good clue that you’re in this situation is that you can’t seem to “find time” for something or you dread it, feel anxious about or irritated by it.
Keeping a balance between shoulds and wants is essential for our well being. And no, balance does not have to mean equal time.
People that are too heavily weighted in the shoulds may be meeting the expectations of their friends, family, society and/or culture, but may feel burned out, miserable, and resentful. They may also avoid additional activities they feel they “should” do because they’re just too spent. They also may feel guilty or anxious when they try and release themselves from the expectation of the should.
People that are too heavily weighted in the wants can have trouble in relationships, be perceived as “self-centered”, and sometimes have other troubles like debt or a tough time sticking with something.
If you’re finding yourself feeling stuck, unhappy, in a rut etc – try going through the exercise of sorting the things you spend your time on into “shoulds” and “wants”. The key here is to be honest with yourself, and this process can be surprising (see comments for common pitfalls).
If you come to recognize you’re heavily weighted one way or the other it may be time for a change
Notes:
- Too many wants and shoulds overall is an inability to prioritize. This can lead to a different but also problematic circumstance in which we feel all the negatives of being too heavily weighted both ways AND difficulties with decision making.
- Sometimes things feel neither like a want or a should but more like something we do to pass time or to help us numb out – that’s a different category of things for another day / post
- I know this may sound VERY privileged, but the key is to remember to consider what you want if you find your life is over-run with shoulds. This can be as simple as a 20 second pause and deep breath before walking in your home after a long day or an extra minute in the shower to just take in a moment of relaxation
- Common things that we think of as wants but may be shoulds depending on your personality: Exercise, Reading, Learning a language, playing an instrument, Seeing particular family or friends, cooking, tasks related to career or academic development, reaching a culturally valued milestone (like purchasing a home, getting married, or having a child)
- Quick tip: if you are having trouble identifying wants start asking yourself “what to I feel like doing / eating / wearing / spending time on” etc throughout your day. The wants will likely start to creep in. If not, see a post to come on mindfulness.