Relationships Archives - Kate Gegg, AM, LCSW

March 25, 2025March 25, 2025

Increasing Accountability

The antidote to defensiveness is accountability.
Conversations that explore and identify how something problematic happened (and how to avoid a recurrence in the future) are incredibly difficult, if not impossible, if one or both parties is defensive (i.e. unable to own their part).
When we are defensive we focus on justifying our actions or our participation. We blame, deny, rationalize, and deflect. We are trying to prove (to ourselves or others) that we were “right” / “correct” / or “appropriate”.
Defensiveness is more likely to occur when we’re caught off guard, when we’re focused on what we intended, when we genuinely don’t understand, when we feel emotionally unsafe, or when we have fears of being “wrong” or “imperfect”.
Accountability (when we take ownership of our contribution to a dynamic) requires that we be honest with ourselves and others about the impact of our participation. We have to let our guard down enough to let the truth in.
Many times, accountability is challenging to access because we are heavily focused on our intentions, we are afraid to be vulnerable and acknowledge our impact, or we have blind spots in our ability to be objective about ourselves.
In relationships, defensiveness creates a barrier to collaboration and connection because the defensive party can’t effectively participate in the process of understanding their impact and repairing the hurt that was caused by it.
Accountability is a vital component of repair in relationships. When we’ve transgressed another, they need to know we “get it” to rebuild their sense of trust in us. Sometimes we need help (i.e. feedback) if we genuinely don’t understand how our participation contributed to an outcome. If we are defensive, we can’t receive that feedback.
True curiosity (taking a stance where you want to understand, rather than argue) is a vital in-between step from defensiveness to accountability. We have to be willing to listen with open ears so we can learn from another how we may have effected a dynamic.
Once we understand what’s happened, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to take a stance of accountability and ownership. In that stance, we are invested in acknowledging how we participated, rather than defensively attempting to “prove” we weren’t a part of the problem.

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No one is able to be totally vulnerable, objective, and self-aware all the time. For us to truly know how we impact others and our environment, we need to be open to outside perspectives. Often we are more comfortable hearing feedback when we feel secure in ourselves and our relationships. That security also makes accessing a stance of accountability more accessible; we have to believe it is “ok” to not be “perfect”, “ideal”, “attuned” (etc). Instead, we have to feel from others (and from ourselves), that we are good enough, and that the safety of a relationship (or our sense of self-worth) isn’t conditioned upon always “getting it right”.

Often times, the person who is being defensive is – on some level – afraid. Afraid to own their part, afraid to feel imperfect (or be perceived that way by others), afraid of repercussions, afraid of the guilt that might follow if they owned their participation, afraid of being rejected or of being harshly blamed. This is why creating safety is so essential to enabling accountability. Safety needs to exist within us (“I still see myself as worthwhile even if I’ve done something problematic”), and needs to exist in our relationships (“this person is still worthy even if they’ve messed something up”) for true accountability to have a chance of emerging in a difficult moment.

There is complex reality in the dynamics that create defensiveness and enable accountability in relationships; while it’s not “our fault” if someone is defensive with us, and we can’t control whether or not someone is accountable, we can work to create a safe environment between ourselves and others that makes accountability approachable to another party. If you are finding others are often defensive with you, take a look at how much safety you create in your relationships for others to be imperfect. If you find you are often defensive with others, take a look at how much you believe you have to be “right” or “perfect”. You can challenge and change these barriers to accountability and relational repair.

There are concrete steps you can take to increase safety in a relationship, and increase your sense of worth if either are struggles for you. See links to resources to support this quest in the comments.

Comments:

Taking in feedback from others is tricky, and while this post encourages accountability and an open stance to the perspective of others, I also don’t want to encourage *always* taking in feedback from others as though they know more than you do about any particular situation. For relationships to work well, both the person giving the feedback and the person receiving it have to come from a stance of honest accountability. While the focus of this post is when the person receiving the feedback is more invested in defending themselves than hearing and integrating feedback, if the person giving the feedback is not invested in looking at their part, they are in a position to potentially hold the other party overly responsible for a problematic dynamic. Externalizing is one way that overly responsible stance can happen as well as dismissing and denying another.
Defensiveness can create major barriers in relationships, please see my post on this f research for more information on effective and ineffective conflict.
To learn more about relational security see this post on secure attachment.
If you regularly struggle to feel safe enough to take accountability, check out this post on relational trauma and its impact.
if you find that you can’t trust yourself to take the leap of faith that would allow you to be open to dropping your defensiveness, you may want to work on attuning yourself to who is safe and nonjudgmental around you. Those will be the best people to start working on taking a step towards accountability with.
Defensiveness can be thought of as a form of displacement.

May 2, 2024March 25, 2025

Rethinking Grief

We lose people, not our relationships with them.
Whether it’s to death, relocation, changes in life circumstances – we all lose people, and with any loss comes a version of grief.
It can bring profound comfort to hold on to the awareness that even though we lose future interactions with a person once they are no longer in our lives, the relationship can and does go on to live inside of us.
One of the most beautiful things about our ability to hold on to a relationship internally, even after its external presence has ended, is that we can continue to learn, grow, and be comforted by it.
With our internally driven relationship we can come to reflect on past experiences with the person in a new way, and at times see a person and their past choices differently.
For example, if you lost a parent, you may come to a have a different sense of what could have motivated them if / when you become a parent yourself.
Once someone is no longer in our lives, the relationship shifts from being externally driven to being internally driven. We have to learn to carry the person and relationship differently when someone no longer has an external presence in our lives.
Thinking of a relationship and a person as “internally” existing in you is often much more comforting than thinking of them as being “gone”.
Grief is loss and sadness, but it is also learning; learning how to live without someone’s external presence, learning to remember that they will no longer be there around the corner, and adjusting to that new reality.

Grief is incredibly wrenching, painful, and (somewhat) unpredictable for us all. One of the most uniformly difficult parts of tolerating grief is how chaotic it can feel; one minute you’re “fine”, the next minute you’ve had a reminder of your loss that feels like a gut punch. Those “reminders” are our indication that we are still in the process of learning to live without someone’s external presence in our lives.

We can find additional comfort when grieving by focusing on growing an internal relationship with the person we’ve lost. For example, ask yourself how the person would have responded to a situation you’re in, what advice they would have given you, or what they would have thought about a situation in your life or community. Give yourself permission to be honest; we are most comforted when we can bring back our genuine sense of who the person was to us.

For many of us, the loss of important people is complicated by their intermittent presence in our lives. When we’re not always with someone (like if they lived in a different house), it can be natural to “forget” they are no longer with us, only to “remember” when we’ve been reminded. Sensory reminders (like a smell or a sound that reminds you of them) can hit especially hard. This “forgetting” doesn’t mean the person wasn’t important, it means that our intermittent exposure to them prior to our loss of them makes the “adjusting” and learning more complex and difficult; even when they’re gone it doesn’t necessarily feel like it, because they weren’t always around to begin with.

Grief, like all learning, takes time. Maria Popova wrote a wonderful summary of the book “The Grieving Brain” by Mary Frances O’Connor, PhD, in which both writers talk about grief as a two part process that involves loss and learning (link in comments). There is, inevitably, a powerlessness that comes with grief. That powerlessness can be painful to tolerate because it reminds us of the limits of our control, our mortality (etc). These authors provide an explanation of grief can that can be hugely comforting because it diminishes our sense of chaos and powerlessness by helping us understand the complexity of the grieving process.

Comments:

The more respect we can have for the process of learning, and the more acceptance we can bring to our grief, the less it will sting us. See posts on learning and acceptance for more help with this.

November 8, 2023May 2, 2024

Challenging without Invalidating

Denying someone’s experience does not have to be a part of challenging their perspective. Challenging – without invalidating – is a skill that (often) needs to be learned so we can express our disagreement while respecting our relationships.
Too often, challenging includes invalidating (and is met with defensiveness) by the receiving party and / or is avoided (due to fears of conflict) by the observing party.
Learning how to give and receive feedback is an essential life skill. Differences of opinion and disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, and are often a precondition for learning and growth.
We cannot learn or broaden our perspective if we do not receive challenges to our way of thinking or being. We are more able to receive challenges when they don’t threaten our sense of self worth, or the relational safety between us and others.
To give feedback in a manner that maximizes someone’s ability to hear you, try to find the relatable component between you and the other party, even if you fundamentally disagree with their conclusion. Often, that relatable component is a feeling.
The key is to find and communicate some shared truth, or some element of their stance you can validate, before jumping in to tell them how you see it, or how you think what they’re seeing isn’t accurate.
When you share your take on the situation, do so non-judgmentally (i.e. own it as your take, based on your interpretation of the facts / lived experiences, rather than as an “obvious” fact (even if that’s how it feels)).
For example: “I know you’re angry about this, and you care, I can see that in how passionately you speak about it. I am angry and I care too. The challenge is I don’t agree with your take on what’s happening, or why it’s happening. I think…”
It can be unintuitive to lean into connection given that disagreements are inherently disconnects between ourselves and others, and yet it is this very approach that enables both parties to listen with respect, openness, curiosity, and kindness.
When we approach with connection and without judgment, we create safety between ourselves and others. That sense of relational safety creates an environment where a willing party can receive (and hopefully integrate) an alternate perspective.

Invalidation is important to distinguish from disagreeing. Invalidating is denying the presence and validity of another’s experience. Disagreeing is acknowledging that another perspective exists (and perhaps has the right to exist), while owning our alternate perspective (and potentially trying to influence someone else to accept it). We can disagree, challenge, and discuss without invalidating, but too often invalidation is used (at times unconsciously or unintentionally) as a tactic to try and influence the outcome of a situation by trying to cause someone to doubt themselves and what they feel or believe.

There are all kinds of problematic consequences with using invalidation as a tactic in relationships (or with ourselves), which will be discussed in another post, but in short invalidation is a harmful and ineffective tactic in the long-term, even if it gets the outcome we’re looking for in the short-term.

Instead, if we are trying to engage in healthy, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, and open dialogue where we learn from and influence others, we have to start with a stance of validity ourselves. We have to work to find what is valid in what the other party is saying, even if we disagree with their conclusions. We want to try and find areas of connection, even when we feel disconnected through our disagreement. We also need to approach without judgment, and with as much curiosity as possible, to create a safe space for differences to be discussed. Ideally, we too are open to being influenced in our manner of thinking, even it we are confident our conclusions about a topic won’t change. Working to take a curious stance about how someone got to their conclusion, even if it won’t change your conclusion, is a helpful tactic in working through differing perspectives.

On the receiving end, we want to work on welcoming differences of perspective and trying to learn from them (without getting defensive towards others, or shaming ourselves). We want to remember that more than one perspective can be drawn from the same facts, and that those differing perspectives are opportunities to learn and grow. More in today’s comments to help increase effective communication.

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Comments:

Learning to how engage in topics without invalidating can be an incredibly valuable tool to help someone deepen (and maybe even change) their perspective about all kinds of topics, from a news event, to their interpretation of an interpersonal event. These tips work on a micro level (giving feedback to an individual in your life) and on a macro level (how we talk about political differences).
I mention, briefly, that the importance of this stance applies to internal and external relationships. It’s true. Invalidating ourselves makes it more difficult to regulate our emotions. Try and work on taking this same stance with yourself when you don’t like how you are feeling or thinking about something. Tips for help with this can be found on my post that covers reconciling your relationship with anger , on the post that covers what validation is and why it is important, and my post about how to make use of negative (and positive) emotions.
I talk about the need to avoid judgments for effective communication – it will hugely impact your ability to be effective in disagreements. The following links include tips on how to recognize judgments, the problems with them, and how to communicate without relying on them.
This is an important tip for you therapists out there following along on this account. Last week I guest lectured in a graduate school class on how to incorporate DBT skills (like these) into insight oriented psychotherapy, and a very astute student asked a question about how to challenge without invalidating. These methods are a useful way to help our clients feel heard and respected, while also working on helping them broaden their perspective on a topic.
In addition to avoiding judgments, try and use as much respectful curiosity as possible. This means trying to understand where someone is coming from (and why) rather than asking questions as a tactic to poke holes in someone’s argument or perspective.
Invalidating is a lot like the modern day term gas-lighting. I’m not particularly wedded to differentiating the two, because they are both psychologically damaging, but it may be helpful to recognize that invalidating is denying someone’s experience (which can cause them to doubt in their ability to accurately process the world around them), whereas gas-lighting is not only denying their experience, but trying to convince them (and perhaps others) that they had a different experience from the one they expressed. This is easier to understand with examples. Invalidating: (After Mary says “I hate my sister”): “No you don’t”; Gaslighting, “No you don’t, you love her”. To challenge without relying on either tactic, “Ok Mary, I get it, you’re upset with your sister and you’re saying you hate her, though I know in other moments you feel differently, and at other times you seem to have fun with her” (and then perhaps you move on to help Mary figure out how to handle her feelings about struggling with her sister. The key is for the adult to recognize that Mary might have intense feelings of dislike (who knows, maybe even hatred) in that moment. Those feelings need to be acknowledged rather than dismissed, in a way that will help Mary broaden her understanding of her own internal world. Mary is then challenged, rather than invalidated or gaslit by the adult, and can come to learn that she has complex and nuanced feelings about her sister (after all, we all sometimes feel strong negative feelings towards others, even people we love).
This, like all new skills, is most challenging to do when we are activated and outside our window of tolerance. You may want to brush up on the window of tolerance to gain tips on timing for difficult conversations. It may also be helpful to revisit other communication skills, like the importance of knowing our limits in communication, not relying on other harmful communication tactics, and this post on the 8 “don’ts of disagreeing” .
I mention “A willing party”, in the post when I talk about the person who we are challenging. For us to receive a challenge, even if the party challenging us does so in the most skillful manner possible, there has to be some level of willingness and openness from us to receive. More on this in another post, but the key is to recognize it isn’t just on the giver of the feedback to frame it well (though that matters), it’s also on the receiver to tolerate and be willing to receive it.
Some more examples of how to challenge without invalidating, dismissing, gaslighting, judging, or denying : “I understand you believe_____ , I have to say, I’m not sure I agree. From what I understand ____ is what’s happening.”; “I recognize she didn’t call you back, and you’re angry, and I get it. And I know this is not the first time this has happened, so there is significance to that. But, I’m not convinced this means she doesn’t care. I’m not sure what’s going on with her, I mean it’s possible she doesn’t care, but does that really otherwise seem consistent with how things are with her?”.

April 20, 2023April 20, 2023

Attunement

Attunement is the silent “glue” of relationships.
When someone is attuned to us, they can hear our words, read our body language, and combine that with their knowledge of our historical preferences and needs to be present and plugged in with us in any given moment.
When someone is attuned to us we feel like we’re on the same wavelength, like they can read us well, and they just “get” us.
A highly attuned relationship often creates emotional safety and openness; we feel seen by the person tuning into us. When we’re attuned to another, our responses often feel intuitive – we’re moved by the moment to respond to meet its needs.
Attunement can sound a bit like “mind reading” to folks who aren’t familiar with it, but at it’s core, attunement is about paying attention and connecting history, words, behaviors, and non-verbal signals (like tone of voice, posture, and gestures) into a cohesive sense of what’s happening for a person at a discreet moment in time.
A lack of attunement can be challenging to discuss in concrete terms to the lesser-attuned party; it may feel like someone is insensitive or clueless in ways that are not easy to describe. Regardless, attunement is hugely impactful on the closeness of the relationship. A lack of attunement can leave us feeling unseen, dismissed, or unimportant.
Some of us struggle with being highly attuned to others, to the point where signals from our self are drowned out – or vice versa – our own internal signals overwhelm our ability to tune in to others.
Others of us struggle with being attuned to all these different domains simultaneously (i.e. we’re skilled at paying attention to words, but not behavior; or we’re great with words but terrible with non-verbals; or we’re heavily influenced by the past, but less so by the present etc).
Those of us that aren’t used to plugging into these different domains (the words, non-verbals, behavior, and contextual information from the past) may feel overwhelmed at first. It’s a lot to pay attention to. In time (and with practice), I promise it becomes more accessible and intuitive.
Relationships (those with ourselves and others), go best when our attunement can be straddled between others and ourselves, and we can work to pay attention to all domains of relational communication (words, behavior, and non-verbals). We can plug in and notice what’s happening for us, and do the same with the those around us.

Attunement – we don’t often talk about it, but we all feel it. It’s those people in our lives that “get” us and know when to step in (and when to take a back seat). They recognize the right moment for a joke, and the wrong one. It’s the opposite of being a “bull in a china shop”, instead its more like a spontaneous harmony between two people.

Daniel Siegel, in “The Mindful Therapist” writes: “Attunement is how we focus our attention on others and take their essence into our own inner world…the ways we take in the internal worlds of other people and allow them to shape who we are in that moment…attunement involves the perception of signals from others that reveal their internal world: noticing not just their words, but also their nonverbal patterns of energy and information…eye contact, facial expression, and tone of voice, posture, gesture, and the timing and intensity of response.” (P. 34).

A lack of attunement in a relationship makes it difficult for closeness, safety, and open communication to occur. This is because being open requires the courage to be vulnerable, and we’re less likely to do that when we’re feeling – on an instinctual level – that someone doesn’t get us or how we operate.

If you’re someone who has a hard time maintaining closeness in relationships ask yourself (and try to be kind, but honest with yourself) how attuned you are to others, and how much you genuinely pay attention to the domains I’ve discussed today.

A key ingredient to being attuned to others starts with attunement to yourself. As Don Catherall writes in his book, Emotional Safety: “Anyone who is emotionally blocked is going to have problems tuning in the emotions of others. A rule of thumb is that people who are emotionally blocked will have the most difficulty tuning in to other people who are experiencing those specific emotions the blocked individual cannot access in himself” (P. 202). We can’t plug into others sending off signals of an emotion (like anger) when we don’t allow ourselves to tolerate experiencing that emotion (in this case anger) ourselves.

Attunement relates to mindfulness, relationships, and emotional regulation. Links to more posts about all of those below.

Comments:

I try and stay away from labels too much here, but when I write “Some of us struggle with being highly attuned to others, to the point where signals from our self are drowned out” we could think of this as a version of co-dependence, a label that I know many folks find useful, and that there are numerous resources (books / podcasts) on. Similarly, those of us that struggle with non-verbals and attunement may identify as being on the autism spectrum. Though, to be clear, struggling with non-verbals does not mean you’re autistic, and heavily plugging into others (and struggling to plug into yourself) does not mean you’re co-dependent.
Don Catherall, who wrote emotional safety (which I quote in this post) was my couples therapy professor at the University of Chicago and is a retired couples therapist in Chicago. He is cream of the crop excellent, as is his book. Though it was a text book, it’s incredibly accessible to therapists (and non-therapists) alike. If you’re looking to strengthen your romantic relationship this is a great book to read as a couple, and I’ve encouraged clients of mine to read it (with their partners or on their own) and have gotten feedback from non-therapists that it is truly accessible and useful. Full Citation: Catherall, D. R. (2007). Emotional Safety: viewing coupes through the lens of affect. New York, Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.
Be aware, individuals with trauma histories may be harder to attune to (this is true of their relationships with themselves, others, and even their therapists). Trauma effects how our emotions are expressed in our bodies. For more on trauma see my posts that cover an introduction to trauma and relational trauma.
Attunement increases the security of an attachment. Learn more about “attachment” (as a technical term) in my post.
This idea of straddling between attunement to ourselves and attunement to others relates to a concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy about the linkage between ourselves, our goals, and our consideration of others. The DBT skill is around keeping a sense of balance between these three connecting considerations, and taking care of ourselves (and our relationships) by maintaining an investment in all three of these considerations.
Attunement requires a degree of mindfulness – we have to be able to be present enough to hear, see, and read what’s happening.
Don writes about how our inability to access an emotion interferes with our ability to detect it in others. For more on this see my post on emotional blocking.
Full citation to Dan Siegel’s Book (The Mindful Therapist) which I quote in the post: Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: a clinician’s guide to mindsight and neural integration. New York, W.W. Norton & Co. This book is reader friendly to non-clinicians too, though he does have a non-clinician version of the book called mindsight.

March 29, 2023April 13, 2023

Process Vs. Content

Relationships often go best when the involved parties can pay attention to “process” in addition to “content”.
Content is what happens in a relationship – for example: what we talk about, where we go, which decision we make, what someone’s interests are. Most of us focus a lot on content when we think about selecting a friend or partner.
Process is how the relationship happens – for example: how we make decisions, how heard and respected each party feels, the tone we take with one another when communicating. Most of us pay very little attention to process because we’re so focused on content.
When our emotions are heightened we can lose sight of process (i.e. take a nasty tone when we’re angry, overlook someone dismissing us when we have romantic feelings for them, insist on it being “our way” and not taking input from others when we’re anxious, etc).
Process often repeats itself (i.e someone has a hard time being collaborative in numerous interactions and relationships). As such, the “content” of our lives then become a repeated opportunity for that same process to play out again and again.
Over time, process can have a significant impact on the health of a relationship. Even if we agree with the content of shared decision (i.e. which house we buy), if the process around making that decision leaves anyone feeling uncomfortable, that discomfort reactivates in future decision making and can wear down at the foundation of a relationship.
Think about it: it’s hard to trust, feel connected, and share ourselves if the dynamic between ourselves and others is one where our way of thinking or our perspective isn’t respected – even if we often end up at the same outcome (i.e. we can agree on content, but with a problematic process). Alls not (necessarily) well that ends well.
Developing a solid process in your relationships is an incredible armor and resilience builder against hard times, because it enables you to take on (nearly) any content, regardless of how intense the topic is.
There is no one “right” process for our relationships, but the key is to develop patterns of being together and communicating that meet everyone’s needs enough (not perfectly, but enough). See more in today’s post.

Most of us go through relationships (with ourselves and with others) highly focused on content; She’s so smart, he’s so funny, they’ve got a great job, etc. Many of us pay very little attention to process: how respected you feel in the relationship; how your boundaries are tolerated; how thoughtful, conscientious and considerate another person is towards you; how repair happens when there’s been a disconnect and if accountability is taken, etc.

One of the challenges with life is how little control we have over content. We can’t control if we get sick, when and how those around us die, or whether or not we get the things we want most in life (could be a kid, a promotion, a home, etc). Because hard times often involve communicating (like asking for what we want or need, setting boundaries, developing a plan to tackle a situation), having a solid process, (one where we all parties are comfortable with how we interact with one another), becomes the foundation with which we address challenges, unexpected changes, and hurdles in life. A good process builds resilience, a problematic process can deepen ruptures and pain at an otherwise difficult time.

Healthy relationships, with willing and invested parties, can work to improve process and develop one that works for everyone. That often involves being honest with yourself and others about your needs and limits, and being accepting of others needs and limits (even if they’re not where you want them to be).

In some relationships, we can’t improve process either because we don’t have influence over the other person (i.e. you can’t necessarily get through to your boss, but maybe you can) or willingness from all parties to work on the relationship (i.e. sometimes we’re more invested in changing the relationship than the other party). At times like that we may need to set boundaries to protect ourselves (or distance ourselves) from relationships where the process doesn’t work for us. We may also need to process our feelings of loss around a relationship that won’t be what we want it to be.

Paying attention to process is useful of friendships, romantic relationships, professional relationships, family relationships – and our relationship with ourselves (more on that in the Notes).

Notes:

Additional examples of process: let’s agree to take a break if either party feels like we’re running in circles or is burning out in this conversation, let’s agree to not interrupt each other moving forward, let’s try and give equal weight to both perspectives and work towards being invested in finding something that works for both of us.
When I say “process” also applies to our relationship with our self, what I mean is many people who struggle come to find, in therapy (or in their own reflections), that their process for interacting with themselves (in their head) is far harsher and crueler than they would ever use interact with another person. As such, when things aren’t going well, they hit deep lows because their internal process involves a pretty intense inner bully who leaves them feeling terrible and defeated. Developing a more compassionate and understanding inner dialogue is a great step towards improving your relationship with yourself.
Generally speaking, when couples go to couples therapy, the therapist is working with them on improving their process by using the topics (content) in their lives at this moment as subject matter to work through creating a different / more workable / more functional process. This enables couples to leave couples therapy with the tools to (eventually) sort through problems and situations independently. More on process for couples in my post “rethinking never go to bed angry” ), and more on couples therapy and how to know if it’s “time” in my post on couples treatment.
The Gottman Institute has spent decades conducting research on couples, communication and connection. They’ve identified four problematic processes in couples that, left unchanged, often lead to the demise of the relationship. For more on those four dynamics (and more information on the research) see my post about “The Four Horsemen“.
Ok so what are other signs of a problematic process? More on that from my post on on fair fighting.
I talk about the need to be honest with ourselves (and others) about our limits in this post. This is easier said than done. More here on how to recognize your limits.
A good process requires a degree of acceptance – acceptance of yourself, your limits, and your needs, and acceptance of the other parties limits and needs. If you struggle with things not going as you think they “should”, see my post on how to accept.

April 29, 2022March 27, 2023

Insight and Reflection

Usually people start therapy (or struggle) because there is some ongoing dynamic they can’t solve or change. Things like: “I can’t find a partner”, “I don’t have great relationships with my friends”, “I’m angry all the time” etc.
The journey then begins to try and uncover the mystery of what may be happening. The starting block of this understanding is reflecting – i.e. getting in touch with thoughts and feelings (and perhaps putting some patterns together that can help you better understand what has happened and why).
But for many, developing insight, which is awareness into how our way of being effects those around us (and subsequently our relationships), is desperately needed to inform a sense of direction, yet is inaccessible to discover (or accept) – perhaps because it requires a level of vulnerability from us.
To develop insight there needs to be a willingness to see ourselves outside of our rationalizations, explanations, and justifications for why we behave the way we do. It requires a willingness to see parts of yourself you like and don’t like and to examine how those parts of you effect others and your relationships.
Very often, a reflective stance (where we get in touch with thoughts and feelings) is confused with an insightful stance (where we understand our impact on others). Having the capacity to reflect can lead to insight, but we can spend a lot of time reflecting and still not seeing how we are participating in creating outcomes in our lives.
An example: Imagine it’s hard for me to open up because I fear rejection. When I am reflective I’m aware of my fear of rejection and being hurt. I might explore the current impact of prior experiences of rejection. When I’m insightful I’m aware my guarded nature creates a wall between me and others making it difficult for others to get close to me.
When we can see how we effect others, we can start to see how we may inadvertently get in our own way. We can use the knowledge we gain from our newfound insight into our impact on others to help us experiment with making changes that will enable us to relate to those around us in ways that are more likely to lead to the outcomes we want.
In our example, I might need to take a leap of faith and work towards being more vulnerable with others in spite of my fears. This path might not otherwise cross my mind given my fears of rejection if not for my insight that the ways in which I withhold from others creates a barrier to having the close relationships I want.
We can “hold on” (internally) to our insight about what changes are needed as a guiding path at those times when we realize there is a disconnect between what we want in our relationships with others and how we participate in them. That insight can anchor us to help us muster up the bravery to try something new.
More in today’s post about how to build insight and the differences (and links between) reflection and insight.

People come to therapy with a lot of beliefs and assumptions about “what it’s supposed to be like”. For many people that includes some version of getting in touch with and processing their thoughts and feelings, revisiting and processing formative moments in their lives, and making connections about what’s happening now and what has happened in the past.

All of these are excellent uses of therapy and can be the building blocks of developing insight. Folks can get stuck, however, in therapy (and in life) when they struggle to more directly work towards taking that next step, which is building insight and awareness into how they effect others, the environment around them, and how they participate in the outcomes they have experienced in their lives.

When we are busy justifying, defending, or rationalizing we often too wrapped up in ourselves to notice how we may be effecting others and the outcomes we experience. To be insightful we need look at the facts of how we treat others from a perspective that isn’t informed by all the awareness we hold about how or why we are justified in doing or saying what we do or say. Empathy can be a component of self-awareness: imagine yourself in the shoes of the other party and think about how you might react toward you if you were on the receiving end of your own words or actions (without the internal information you hold that informs your decisions to treat others or behave the way you do).

To try and build more insight get invested in the idea that you are likely effecting and contributing to the outcomes in your life, even if you don’t want that to be the case. Ask yourself, “how have I participated in this?” What might I be communicating with my action / inaction, tone, body language, or responsiveness?”. Pay attention to dynamics like reciprocity. Ask yourself how much trust or suspicion informs your stance in a relationship. Although others can’t read our minds, they can pick up on cues from us that inform the dynamic between us.

Reflection and self-awareness are different from one another, but both important in understanding yourself, making changes in your life, and improving your relationships.

Comments:

Insight and self-awareness are used interchangeably in this post, and some would call “insight” holding an awareness of your thoughts and feelings. I’m using the term reflection to refer to having awareness of your inner world, and insight to have the awareness of your impact on others as a way to highlight the different nature of these two components of emotional and relational awareness.
What I hope we can avoid here is too much confusion around semantics. I’m less concerned that you pin point when you are reflecting versus demonstrating insight, and am more interested in having you be invested in both, seeing the value in both, and recognizing an opportunity to incorporate both into your life (and – if applicable – your therapy). I’m also not communicating that reflecting is “inferior” to insight. Reflecting is important because it helps us find patterns, make connections, and get in touch with our inner world; it’s valuable in and of itself.
One thing that’s a bit tricky about building insight is we aren’t often told (directly) by others how we are impacting them or the community around us – people don’t usually say “you’re not getting that promotion because you can’t collaborate well and take in others ideas and so others around you see you as controlling and domineering” it’s often more like “we’re looking to see you continue to grow and work as a teammate with your colleagues, try and work on delegating”. So we have to do a bit of intuiting and piecing together based on patterns we observe and feedback we do get. This can run right into predispositions we hold to make assumptions or read situations based on our histories, so sometimes our attempts to build insight can be thwarted because we are trying to understand how we may be effecting others without necessarily having all the information. A tip here: Ask a safe, nonjudgmental person in your life for their honest feedback if you have a theory about how your way of being might effect them (or others). Another tip: Take a look at how you act/behave and what you say, and then work to observe how others around you handle similar situations (and how folks respond to them). You can learn a lot from watching what works (and doesn’t work) for others. I personally had a very transformative experience once when I went into a store and silently watched how a friend handled a return (in a way that was foreign and un-intuitive to me, but effective). There can be small teaching moments for us to tap into in our lives if we are looking to make use of them.
A potential blockage to self-awareness / insight?: Anxiety or Depression. In our efforts to cope with our emotional state we may start to ask for things like reassurance, only be comfortable interacting under certain conditions, have difficulties tolerating conversations where others don’t agree with us etc. Ultimately, all of that effects our relationships with others AND simultaneously feels necessary for us to cope with our emotional state. This is where learning new coping skills can come in very handy (once we have a sense of how our response to our symptoms is effecting others and our relationships).
You can think of “coping by distancing” as an example of a time when our thoughts, beliefs, and coping mechanisms may effect those around us in an unintended manner. Another example of us coping in a manner that might negatively effect our relationships is displacement.
This post encourages you to make changes. This post is full of tips on making changes in a sustainable manner.
For more on how we can inadvertently participate in creating outcomes in our life see my post on cyclical psychodynamics.
Looking to try and build more awareness into how your thinking informs how you approach others and problem solving? See my post on Internalizing and Externalizing.

February 2, 2022March 27, 2023

Providing Support

Most of us think to say, “is there anything I can do?” when someone we care about is struggling. While we are generous in offering our willingness to help, we may be adding to the “to-do” list of the person in need; to receive the help offered they now have to become a project manager who coordinates, organizes, and thinks up the items on their “how to help” list.
For most of us when we are really struggling we are in “just get to the next moment mode”, which means the parts of our brain that might help ease our burden (like the parts of us that can plan, brainstorm ideas, or be creative) become less accessible.
One of the most supportive things you can do to help someone in need, in addition to asking “what can I do”, is to offer your ability to plan or to be a “creative problem solver” on their behalf. Essentially, you can offer support by “loaning” your brain to their problems.
If this is not intuitive to you, try accessing your powers of empathy regarding the emotions you think they are struggling with in their current situation: Are they struggling with helplessness? Loss? Fear? From what you know of them, what provides comfort to them? If you don’t know them them that well, then offer what might provide comfort to you.
If the relationship isn’t quite that close, consider offering something concrete that doesn’t involve a need to plan or think too far ahead. Because a person in a difficult situation is often in “here and now” crisis mode you will be meeting them at their current capacity level by not asking them to look too far ahead.
We have to be careful not to let our desire to lift their burden overpower our ability to hear them when they communicate (with words or actions) what would be helpful for them. It’s not unusual for people to need space, time, or distance, which can be hard to receive when you really want to help.
The truth of it is when someone is struggling, everyone around them may also struggle with their own helplessness about their limited ability to lift the burden from them. Our own desire not to feel our helplessness can sometimes drive us towards taking too much action, or action that overwhelms the party in need.
Remember that truly supporting someone is also about showing them their perspective and preferences matter; which means not over-inserting ourselves and paying attention to cues from them about what they (rather than we) perceive to be helpful.
If nothing else, be mindful of your questions. Often, to help ourselves feel safe we want to understand “what happened’, which puts the person in crisis in a position to satisfy our desire to understand. Follow their lead about how much they want to talk, it will show them you are there for them, rather than to satisfy your curiosity.
Try and remember; you cannot take away someone’s pain, but you can ease it by “loaning” your brain and problem solving skills to their situation; by offering something concrete that doesn’t require too much planning; and by respecting their process and hearing them in what they communicate (in words and in actions) they need.

We all know that when we are experiencing a crisis we can’t “think straight”. Translated into more concrete terms, this usually means the times when we need help the most, we struggle to identify our needs, articulate them to others, and think ahead about what will help moving forward.

For many of us, our “crisis mode” is not one that is particularly good at planing or creativity, two parts of our intellect that are often most useful when we find ourselves in an overwhelming situation. Put simply, we struggle to slow down and think step by step about what we need, the situation needs, and our future selves will need.

If you are trying to support an individual or family in need you can – of course – start with “is there anything I can do to help?”. Some folks like to feel a sense of control and do have ideas for what they need, so it’s a helpful starting point. You do not, however, necessarily have to end there.

Offering your abilities to plan, identify creative ideas, or offering to do something concrete (like get groceries) actually offers two things – whatever it is you offer – and something less tangible; the brain power we lose access to when we are struggling, in a crisis, or busy trying to wrap our heads around digesting difficult news.

Do remember, there can be a delicate balance between recognizing when it might be helpful to do some thinking or acting on someone’s behalf and inserting yourself too much. Often times our eagerness, desire to help, and desire not to feel helpless ourselves, can interfere with our ability to listen in the moment to cues or words that indicate someone wants or needs less from us. This means, make your offer, but receive their answer, and recognize receiving their answer is a way in which you are supporting them.

Finally, be mindful of why you’re asking questions about “what happened”. Your curiosity is natural, but remember that it most often serves your desire to understand, rather than the other party. If you are there to provide support, offer to talk, keep an eye on the allure of satisfying your curiosity, and follow their lead about how much sharing or revealing they’d like to do.

Comments:

Ok, so how do I do all of this? One way is to offer support openly (in the event they have ideas) while also offering some ideas you’ve come up with, like, “Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. One idea I have is that I could get you groceries. I could also bring by some puzzles for Johnny to play with with he’s recovering? Let me know how that sounds”. Then, it becomes your job to listen to how they respond, which includes what they say explicitly and what they don’t say. Ultimately, a part of supporting someone well is recognizing the line between where our needs end, theirs begin, and the intersection of the two. We want you looking for cues from them that what you are offering and providing is useful to them.
A helpful tool that I have come across over the years for individuals in crisis, or in need of coordinating support from groups of people is called Caring Bridge. This is a way to keep people updated on “what’s happening”, as well as coordinate ways to help on a shared schedule / in a shared system. As a reminder I post resources I believe are valuable, and I do not accept compensation of any kind from third parties I endorse. I am suggesting this because I have seen it be helpful to families in need in both my personal and professional life, and it’s a resource I’d like to share.
I have a tangentially related post on this topic – about what happens when our desire to serve our own needs for safety can interfere with our ability to effectively process something terrible that’s happened to someone else. This is usually not the case when we are trying to provide support to others, but it’s another version of how our needs can get tangled up in the situation we are observing and can then skew our perception.
Helping others can get us into sticky territory with boundaries. When you’re providing support, remember to pay attention to what you need too. Posts to help with that include my post on finding balance in relationships, which walks you through how to keep an eye on yourself and the other party; My post on finding balance between “shoulds and wants” can help you reflect on what is driving you to provide support to others; and my post on building insight into recognizing where your limits actually are will be helpful if you find yourself in positions where you over-extend.

January 24, 2022March 27, 2023

Secure Attachment

Many of us look for “chemistry” in romantic relationships. Often times that “chemistry” is actually the activation of our attachment circuits.
Attachment patterns are initially formed in infancy and become a template for which we base intimate relationships on moving forward in our lives.
When we think about attachment patterns, we are thinking about how we connect to others, how secure we feel in that connection, how able we are to trust, rely on others / ourselves, and how comfortable we feel with exploration away from (and distance in) our closest relationships.
We form that “blueprint” attachment to the people we are most dependent on in infancy and in the earliest years of our lives. For most of us, that is our parents.
So yes, even though you don’t remember it, those early attachment experiences shaped you, and continue to effect you in relationships moving forward.
If, in those early relationships we consistently felt security (i.e. comforted, taken seriously, and attended to while we were in duress) AND accepted in our needs for distance, exploratory play, and independence we are likely to develop what’s called a “secure base” in our attachment relationships.
That secure base feels something like, “I know I can count on them to be there if I need them, but I also know the quality of the relationship won’t change if I want to do my own thing, have my own space, and go at my own speed”.
Only about 50% of the population connects to others with that secure base. The remaining 50% struggle with some combination of these dynamics in relationships.
Our attachment patterns hugely impact who we are drawn to, what our experience of dating is like, how our relationships go, what types of conflicts we are likely to have, and how comfortable we feel with commitment and distance in relationships.
Knowing and understanding our attachment patterns can make us more efficient and self-aware daters and partners. This can help us find a good match and take care of ourselves and our partnerships, even if we’re with someone who has a different attachment type.

Our attachment patterns hugely inform who and how we date, what we expect of ourselves and others in intimate relationships, and who ignites a “spark” in us. I’m always a bit hesitant of the whirlwind romance built exclusively on a spark, not because I don’t believe in love, but because I do believe in the power of our attachment circuits.

Our earliest relationships become a roadmap of sorts where we learn how to maintain a sense of connection to others. When we are infants we are in a state of complete dependency on our caregivers, and even though we have no conscious memory of that time, we are highly aware, perceptive, and paying close attention to what works to get us what we need from our caregivers and what doesn’t.

We take the information collected at that time and use it to generalize to other relationships as a blueprint for how relationships work, and how we should work in relationships for them to be successful. Did you often need to really cry and scream to get your parents to drop what they were doing to help you? You probably internalized that you need to be LOUD with your feelings for people to pay attention to you. Did you seek closeness to a caregiver who often struggled with physical affection? Well, perhaps you learned relationships go better when everyone takes space.

While we aren’t going to remember these experiences from infancy, we can look at how we attach, relate, connect, and trust in relational settings as adults to come to understand which roadmaps feel closest to ours. There are four primary attachment types (or roadmaps): Secure, Anxious, Dismissive, and Unresolved.

As unique as we all are as individuals, there are predictable patterns of relating we all fall into and the more we know and understand our patterns the more we can 1) challenge and change patterns that don’t work for us 2) Look for romantic partners who compliment our attachment style 3) Have constructive conversations with our partners about our attachment similarities and differences to strengthen our relationships.

Lots more to come on attachment. For now, consider how securely you attach in different types of relationships. Resources below to help on that journey.

Comments:

Coming back to “the spark” I mention throughout the post. That “spark” is most likely to be felt in relationships where there is at least one party who is not operating from a secure base. There will be more on that in a future post, but I want to be clear that a “spark” isn’t “bad” it’s just often confused with “love at first sight” or “true love”, and in my experience it usually has a lot more to do with attachment patterns. Also, to be clear, if there is a spark in your relationship that doesn’t mean it’s a problem, it just may mean you and your partner will feel intense chemistry in some ways, and perhaps intense disconnects in others. That’s ok, and can all be worked through with two willing and committed parties. This will all make more sense once we get further into attachment types.
A little more on attachment types: these are general patterns, but they are not hard patterns, meaning we all have a tendency to fit into one of the four categories, but we can slide around depending on the relationship, how we are doing, and the context in our lives. We can also attach securely in some types of relationship, but not in others (friends vs romantic relationships, men vs women, etc). As promised, more to come!
If you’re a parent reading this your first thought might be, “oh lord I didn’t feel like picking my kid up this morning and now I’ve scared them forever”. Don’t be so hard on yourself – attachment patterns are formed over many experiences and are much more about the big picture of the relationship than about anomalies. No parent meets their child’s needs all the time, and quite frankly no parent needs to. Part of feeling secure in a relationship is having the confidence that a relationship can endure even with differences between the involved parties. That missed hug this morning can be a opportunity to strengthen the security of a relationship when paired with something like: “Daddy / Momma loves you, but I’m not going to pick you up right now. We can snuggle later.”
A strong / secure connection doesn’t always mean “giving in” or never disappointing the other party, but it does often mean validating the other party’s experience. For more on how to validate AND set limits see this post on validation. If you’re a parent and you need help with this, you are not alone! This is not always intuitive, especially if it wasn’t your experience in childhood. For more guidance on incorporating healthy boundaries with validation check out Big Little Feelings, they have a paid course and free content through their instagram account (and as a friendly reminder I do not get any kick backs/ payment for referrals I make to resources, I just tell you about them because I think they are helpful).
This post has more details on how our attachment history impacts our dating world.
The best book I’ve found for clinicians on attachment based work is David Wallin’s attachment in psychotherapy. Here are some useful excerpts about how secure attachment affects development and relationships: “Secure babies appear to have equal access to their impulses to explore when they feel safe and to see solace in connection when they do not” (page 19). “Children with a history of secure attachment show substantially greater self-esteem, emotional health and ego resilience, positive affect, initiative, social competence, and concentration”. (page 23) “If our early relationships were secure, the result may well be a capacity to respond – that is to think, sense feel, and act – with openness and flexibility” (Page 65). Full Citation: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
The best book for non-clinicians I have found on attachment theory is calling “Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love”. I have some gripes about this book that I would tell anyone before recommending they read it. 1) I think there is a bit of critical tone towards the dismissive stance in the book, and a bit of a favorable tone towards the anxious stance. The fact is each attachment style has its upsides and downsides and dismissive isn’t “worse” than anxious (or vice versa). They are just different. 2) they do not cover the unresolved attachment type, which I think is a disappointing miss. 3) There is not enough of an emphasis on the fluid nature of attachment types; a person who is usually one attachment type is not ALWAYS that way in all relationships, even if they are that way most of the time. 4) It mentions the ability to move towards secure attachment, but I don’t think enough time is spent on it. 5) There have also been critiques on it being heteronormative and too simplistic which I think are both fair. So, in short (maybe not so short now), It’s a great introduction, the best I’ve found, I’ve recommended it many times – but don’t take it as the whole story.
If you’re not up for reading a whole book, this article is a great start – though I don’t love the description of the attachment styles themselves or what forms them.

November 11, 2021March 29, 2023

How to Fight Fair

We want you getting through your disagreements with as little pain as possible. Avoiding these 8 “don’ts” is the first step to getting there.
Avoid disrespectful communication. This means: no name calling, derogatory language, hostility (i.e trying to intimidate the other party or yelling), expressing your negative feelings in a physical manner (i.e. hitting, breaking, throwing etc). If it’s not “OK” to do at work, it’s not “OK” to do at home.
Avoid a dismissive stance. You’re not going to get through to someone if you are judging them, using sarcasm, interrupting them, rolling your eyes, or engaging in other behaviors or gestures that indicate you’re not taking the perspective of the other person seriously. Even if you think someone is not being reasonable you can communicate that without these tactics.
Avoid counter-complaining. Don’t bring up your own complaint in response to someone else’s. This means you don’t respond to “you never do the dishes” with “you never do the laundry”. This deflects the conversation from the concern being addressed. If you have a related concern think of that as a separate issue for a separate conversation.
Avoid dumping. Don’t bring up numerous and unrelated concerns at a time. If you’re bringing up the problem, bring up one problem. You will overwhelm the other party if you bring up too much at once. All topics of concern are important, and so to address them effectively you need to pace them.
Avoid rehashing. Leave problems you have previously resolved in the past. Sometimes old problems are related to current ones, and while that can be acknowledged respectfully, you will run the conversation in circles until a point of exhaustion if you have to re-resolve old issues whenever a new one comes up.
No character assassination. This means talking about the entirety of someone’s personality, rather than a specific problem you have with them or what is happening. This means no “you’re lazy”, but instead, “I’m upset at how often you don’t participate at times when we have a lot to do”.
Be careful about words like “always” and “never”, very few things actually ALWAYS or NEVER happen, and it’s a quick way to shut the other party off if you overgeneralize about the frequency of an issue. We often do this as a way of trying to make our point when we feel dismissed, but even if the other party is taking a dismissive stance, this tactic is often an exaggeration and often leaves other party to feeling even more entitled to dismiss us.
Don’t force resolution. Do not put pressure on yourself or the other party to resolve issues prematurely, or only on one person’s timeline. This means: no chasing someone around and continuing to talk if the other person has asked for a break, no putting off the conversation indefinitely because one party doesn’t want to deal with it, and no “resolving” the issue if you’re not ok with the resolution but just want to “make up” and make it go away. These are recipes for disconnection and rehashing.

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, especially close ones, given no two people bring to their relationships the exact same values, priorities, concerns, and needs at any given point in time. Even the most compatible people will have conflict at some point, which is a clash in what one party needs or wants with what the other party is willing to authentically offer, provide, or agree to. Conflict can mean fighting, but doesn’t have to; it may help to think of “conflict” more like a conflict of interest between the involved parties.

For most of us, when we hit a point of disagreement between ourselves and those we are close with we communicate in ways that are familiar and intuitive for us, often shaped by what was modeled for us, and what we have done in the past. What is intuitive or familiar may not, however, be effective.

For our relationships to go well, we need to deal with conflict in a manner that helps us resolve the issue while still holding respect for our relationship and the other party; both parties need to feel considered and as though their needs, priorities, concerns, and desires are taken seriously. This means when one person has a problem, both people have a problem. Taking on this attitude of acceptance will help strengthen the relationship and keep your connection strong.

As a couples therapist, one thing I pay attention to is how couples communicate with each other when they have a disagreement. If they don’t have the tools to work through conflict productively important topics don’t get adequately addressed. Over time, relationships can erode because of the hurt created by the conflict itself, in addition to the inability of the couple to resolve issues between them.

The first step to taking care of your relationship while you address a concern is getting the communication “don’ts” from this post out of the conversation. Getting rid of these tactics can help you move through conflict and may help improve your relationship and feelings of closeness and connection.

A future post will cover the “dos” for resolving conflict. For now, see what ways you can come up with to eliminate these “don’ts” from your conversation and your mindset.

Notes:

A helpful tip – removing the “don’ts verbally may not be enough. Truly try and challenge yourself to remove the “don’ts” from your mindset and perspective as well. In relationships, even if someone isn’t saying it, we can feel it when someone isn’t taking us seriously.
Some conflict can be resolved in a single conversation or two. Some conflict is about fundamental differences between the parties involved, and will be revisted again and again. This does not necessarily mean that the involved parties are incompatible, and getting the “don’ts” out of the conversation can help us better live with our differences.
Further notes on disrespectful conversation: If you don’t communicate with respect, you will create a problem while you are trying to resolve a disagreement. When we communicate disrespectfully it is usually a way of expressing anger, which, while valid to feel, needs to be handled respectfully so as not to derail an otherwise productive conversation. Sometimes, when we’ve grown up around conflict that includes disrespectful communication we can have trouble recognizing it – calling someone “stupid” or their thoughts or beliefs “ridiculous” is a version of disrespectful communication.
We often counter-complain when we are in a defensive state of mind, meaning we use the counter complaint as a way to rationalize, deflect, and justify our perspective and actions at the detriment of understanding, connection, receiving feedback, or accepting the impact of our actions. Often times we are more prone to defensiveness when we are focused on how we are “right” or when we are focused on our intentions (rather than our impact).
Want some more tips on “fair fighting” for couples? See this post about how the way we fight can effect the stability of our relationship.
Do you find you have trouble accepting the validity of other’s concerns? See this post to help you understand the power of validation (even when we disagree), and this post to help you accept even if you dislike or disagree.
Do you generally find you have trouble balancing taking care of yourself, others, and what you want or need in relationships? It is a tough balancing act. See this post for tips.
Judgments can be tough to identify, but I’ve got prior posts covering how to identify a judgment and how to reshape them.
Does the idea of not resolving conflict quickly leave you feeling uneasy? See this post for more information.
Do you want help with addressing conflict or connection in your relationship, but are on the fence about whether it’s “too soon” for couples therapy? See this post to help you decide whether it’s time.

September 20, 2021March 27, 2023

The “Rules” in Therapy

There’s a lot of popular notions about what therapy’s “supposed” to look like, but often when a client starts to have reactions to or about their therapist it goes unspoken between them
When any of us are in treatment we bring with it our expectation of how we’re “supposed” to be in relationships. Those expectations are formed by our prior relationships, prior therapies, and our culture.
Those expectations can leave us feeling like there are implicit “rules” between client and therapist. Can I ask about ____? I didn’t like what my therapist said, is it ok to tell them? I’m feeling like we’re stuck in treatment, is it ok to talk about it?
If you start withholding, or keeping something from your therapist, it can actually interfere with the speed and effectiveness of the treatment; now there are whole sections of your internal world that are off limits.
Sometimes we don’t bring things up because we feel like we’re not supposed to, the therapy is helpful enough, we are afraid we’ll hurt the therapist’s feelings, or perhaps we assume “they’re the professional, they know what they’re doing, right?”.
Even if the therapist DOES know what they’re doing, that doesn’t mean how they are working with you feels right at any given point in time. When it doesn’t feel right that can leave the client feeling less safe. Without safety and trust we can start to withhold more and more.
For some of us, the “rules” we intuit in therapy are closely tied to social “rules” we feel in life. Rules that are sometimes so strong we don’t question them, and rules that effect how much we ask or expect of others, and how much we take on for ourselves.
In therapy, and in all relationships, we can get stuck in that space between “how we feel we’re supposed to be” and what we actually need.
Therapy is a GREAT place to have that first experience of exploring and challenging that “supposed to” by working to unearth and talk through those expectations and how they effect you. The opening path to that is talking to your therapist about your expectations or concerns of your work together.

It’s not uncommon, in my personal life, for a friend or acquaintance to ask me about “the rules” of therapy. Am I allowed to ask about my therapist? What if I’m bothered by something my therapist does, is it ok for me to give them feedback?

The answer to these types of questions is somewhat nuanced, because each individual therapist will hold different boundaries for their practice – but – the overwhelming answer is – YES – bring what you are thinking about or concerned about to your therapist.

“But I don’t want to hurt her feelings”, “I don’t want to seem like I’m prying” or “It just seems like this is how he is”, are common responses I hear. So yes, on the one hand you want to be considerate of your therapist’s person-hood, but on the other hand, it is your therapist’s job to help you understand what you are experiencing with them in the context of what brings you to treatment. Feedback, questions, or concerns you have for your therapist can become barriers to you being comfortable in the room, and therapy works best when you feel at ease, and able to be open, vulnerable, and honest.

Additionally, (and here’s where it gets interesting) what you are experiencing with your therapist may be a microcosm of what you experience in other relationships. A skilled therapist will be able to help you think about how your feedback applies to both your relationship with them, as well as other relationships in your life and the themes you are discussing in treatment. A skilled therapist will also be able to help you process through how it felt to give feedback and your experience in life outside of therapy speaking up in ways that both get you what you need and take care of your relationships.

If you ask a question about your therapist you may or may not get a direct answer, but you should learn something about yourself in the process. When it’s working well therapy is a collaborative process, which means the therapist will do his or her best to intuit what you need and what will be helpful, but they won’t always get it right. So, take a risk, and talk to your therapist about what you’re not talking to them about.

Notes:

1. . My post on Cyclical Psychodynamics covers more on how we can inadvertently and unknowingly participate in creating dynamics in our relationship with others that don’t work for us.
2. Often times when we have “rules” hard wired into us about “how we’re supposed to be in relationships” we find we have a hard time balancing our needs and the needs of our relationships. Sometimes when we’re trying out new ways of being with others we quite literally feel like we don’t know how to say what we want to say in a way that feels honest, open, and kind. See this post on how to find the balance between yourself, your goals, and your relationships.
3. This is a multi-part series that will aim to help you get the most out of your treatment. See the first part in this series “Tips for selecting a therapist”.