Thoughts Archives - Kate Gegg, AM, LCSW

November 9, 2022March 27, 2023

“It’s easier for everyone else”

This kind of of thinking, that life is easier for others and more difficult for us, is tempting at a time when we are hopeless or struggling to manage. The thought is often unhelpful, un-motivating, and channels our inner sense of helplessness. Here are a few counter-thoughts to hold onto that may help you approach these moments differently:
(1) Often times when we think “it’s easier” for others what we actually mean is “it’s intuitive” for others. Intuition develops with practice, modeling, and training (over time). Seen through this lens, over time and with practice, something new (and perhaps more helpful) could become intuitive to you too.
(2) Just because someone knows how to take care of themselves doesn’t mean they’ve had an “easy” journey to that point. Instead, it simply means they’ve found what works for them. Often times people who have the ability to cope have taken a path of learning and growth from prior struggles.
- This learning often means reflecting on whether or not our chosen (or perhaps automatic) coping methods truly help us, and holding a willingness to try new ways that may not be intuitive or comfortable to us (until we practice them again and again). The more we can learn and accept what serves us (and avoid what doesn’t) the “easier” coping becomes
(3) Sometimes when we get stuck on “it’s easier for them” what we’re really stuck on is a struggle with fairness; it isn’t that they are “coping better” its that they’ve got less to cope with. When we get preoccupied with “fairness” we are often fixated on factors outside of us, and we cannot resolve our personal pain from that orientation.
- Though we can always work to make to world more fair, we have to take care of ourselves in the interim. When we can take our experiences with unfairness head on, and can focus on what a lack of fairness has meant for us on a personal level (including our losses and pain) we can work to resolve pain around “unfairness” and its impact on us.
(4) Not everyone has the same triggers and sensitivities. What floors one person may feel manageable (i.e. “easy to cope with”) to another. Remember that what we struggle with is often a reflection of our prior experiences, with unresolved experiences tending to cause more pain than ones we have been able to work through and come to terms with.
(5) We don’t all feel our feelings with the same range and intensity. Some of us have much stronger and more intense experiences of all our emotions based on how our bodies process them. This means some of us may find ourselves in deeper emotional states than those around us; this is a more intense experience in life with positives and drawbacks.
(6) We can only see what people show us. Even if we’re highly skilled at reading people, we still can’t see it all. It may look “easier” because someone is invested in it “looking” easier, which doesn’t mean it is.

Regardless of how “easy” or “hard” life is, the truth is, coping comes more intuitively to some of us than others, and life does not evenly distribute objectively difficult times. Put simply, when we think about how “hard” or “easy” life is for us (or others), we are thinking in judgmental terms (i.e. we are using statements to evaluate rather than describe what we notice and observe). I have a whole series on how judgments limit us (see comments for how to find those prior posts), but big picture, today’s post illustrates just how much information we lose about what’s actually effecting us on a personal level when we rely on judgments instead of working towards describing, owning, and understanding a topic at hand.

In today’s post I offer six different ways to challenge how we can think more descriptively through how “hard” or “easy” our lives feel, and there are infinite other ways to deconstruct the judgment of “it’s easier for others”. The less we rely on judgmental statements (which often include easy, hard, right, wrong, good, bad, should, shouldn’t) the closer we can get to understanding, working through, and addressing what’s really upsetting for us.

If you found today’s deconstructions didn’t quite fit for you, think about how else you might say “they have it easier” without using the evaluative statements listed above. Once you can get to the heart of what you’re *really* upset about, you can then address whatever that is.

Next, your job becomes to resist to the temptation to rely on that familiar stance of “it’s easier for them” at a moment when you are struggling. This means challenging ourselves to be present in a different way and pointing your thoughts and energy in the direction that helps you deconstruct the judgment rather than burrow into it.

What may be tempting (or intuitive) to you, is to stay in the familiar “it’s easier for them” mindset, but we have to be responsible for turning our focus and attention elsewhere if we want to build new ways of coping. Eventually, pulling away from the judgement and going into our experiences may become intuitive, but it takes work, practice, intentionality, and time.

Comments:

Are you realizing you might lean on judgmental thinking? Learn more about how to recognize judgmental thoughts, dive deeper into understanding how they limit us, and get guidance on deconstructing a judgment from these linked prior posts.
One of the hangups I list (about fairness) is actually a different kind of hangup all on it’s own, called a “cognitive distortion” that will someday have its own post. If you related strongly to struggling around issues of “fairness” you may find it helpful to review this article that explains what a cognitive distortion is, and how to recognize and challenge it. You may also benefit from working to challenge “shoulds” (Like it should be just as easy for me as it is for her, life should be more fair etc). Big picture, issues of fairness are incredibly complex, and, if fairness is a value we hold, we are often best served to make our decisions through the lens of that value rather than to expect the world to abide by fairness as a “rule” or “law”. This relates somewhat to another post I have on how “fairness” can effect us, which may also be helpful to dive into.
Today’s post, in addition to include the “non-judgmentally” mindfulness still, also includes applications of the “effectively” mindfulness skill and the “willing” and “Turning the Mind” distress tolerance skill from Marsha Linehans DBT Skill’s training manual (Full Citation: Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT (R) skills training handouts and worksheets, second edition (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.).

October 26, 2022March 27, 2023

Distraction

Many of us know of the concept of distraction, not all of us know how to do it properly. Distraction, (when used carefully, judiciously and intentionally) is an essential coping skill in times of duress.
Many of us feel uneasy about distraction, because we aren’t solving “the problem”, when we use it. Instead, when we distract, we are giving our brains another focal point, for a period of time, that will enable us to take a break from the intensity of whatever we are distracting from.
If we can truly distract, i.e. truly sink in with our whole thinking and feeling world to something aside from what is distressing us, we often come back to that same thing at a later point (even hours later) feeling more refreshed and able to handle it.
Think about how you feel when you wake up after you’ve been upset. Often times you feel more distance, or are able to to have “new” thoughts or feelings about the same topic, even though you haven’t “done anything” directly to solve the problem.
We want distraction to be intentional: really sink in with your whole self, if, in the corners of your mind you’re still thinking about “it” (whatever you’re trying to distract from), you’re not distracted.
Properly distracting often includes refocusing yourself (again and again) on your distraction, or (if that doesn’t work) accepting your distraction is not stimulating enough and finding a higher intensity distraction to keep your mind off an activating topic.
To stay distracted: “leave” the situation. You may have to do this repeatedly. This can be done physically (literally leave an activating location), cognitively (when you notice yourself drifting into thoughts about “it” re-direct your attention), and through imagery (imagine the topic separate from you – in a box, on the other side of a wall etc).
We want distraction to be judicious: Use it only for brief periods of time (hours, maybe days depending on the urgency of the situation at hand). If we stay distracted from our problems we have actually shifted into avoiding them.
We have to police ourselves when we distract, only we know if we’ve drifted back and only we can refocus our attention. A major key to using distraction effectively is remaining invested in the need for distraction when we’ve chosen to use it as our coping skill.
Distraction can be anything as long as it (1) engages your whole self in a direction different than the topic you are distracting from and (2) doesn’t become a covert way of keeping yourself in the experience you are trying to distract from. More in today’s post about how to effectively distract.

Distraction is one of the key Distress Tolerance skills Marsha Linehan lays out in her Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Training manual. There are many ways to distract:

Activities: i.e. “doing” something else. Ideas: watch TV or a movie (be careful on the topic so it meets the criteria above), talk to a friend about something other than the topic at hand, read a book (it may be too hard to focus for some, if so, try something more stimulating), go out for a walk or run (but don’t think about the topic).

Emotions: Create different emotional experiences for yourself beyond the one that you are distracting from. To do this, you need to first identify how you are feeling and then dive into a different emotional state (perhaps through TV, conversation with others, music, books etc).

Thoughts : Try something that challenges your brain, like a crossword, mystery, or puzzle.

Contributing and Comparisons: The idea with these two is to extend our focus to people and situations beyond us and the issue troubling us at the moment. With contributing, you do an activity that is nice for someone outside of you, to help you feel like you’ve made a positive impact on another person or situation.

With comparisons, we are reminding ourselves of the full spectrum of human experience as a way to help ground ourselves in our awareness of where we fall on that spectrum. The key with comparisons is to leave the comparison with an awareness that that things have been different for us, and could be worse (which doesn’t mean they aren’t bad now). This means you can think about others coping worse than you in that moment, others in worse situations, or compare how you feel now to a time when you felt different (to remind yourself that you too will feel different some day). We need to resist the temptation to compare to someone in an enviable situation, that will not help.

When we use comparisons properly we often find we feel more grateful for our lives, communities, resources and strengths. We have to be very careful not to go to a shaming, judgmental or envious place, otherwise we can invalidate ourselves (it’s worse for him, that means I shouldn’t be so upset).

The Dangers of an Embedded Stance

There is “what is happening” and then there is how we perceive “what is happening”. Knowing how to tell the difference between the two has a huge impact on our functioning, relationships, and wellbeing.
When we are approaching a moment from an embedded stance we are not aware of how our perception is effecting our understanding of the moment. Instead, we equate what we feel, intuit, and believe to be an objective reflection of and reaction to reality. We don’t see ourselves as having a “perspective” we see ourselves as having the facts.
An embedded stance has its benefits; we can get lost in a moment of love, creativity, or act intuitively on danger. The challenge with an embedded stance is that we are not connected to how our own personal filters impact how objectively we can perceive what is happening around us.
When we are embedded, we are at risk of our internal world being more persuasive to us about “what is happening” than what the external world presents. This leaves us vulnerable to misunderstandings in relationships, making assumptions, and incorrectly “reading” interpersonal situations.
When we are embedded what we believe to be happening “is” happening. “Everyone hates me”, “It won’t get any better”, “I can never come back from this”, “there is no point” are thoughts that are much more dangerous when experienced by a person in an embedded stance, because they are believed to be truths.
For most of us our biggest challenge with an embedded stance is coming to recognize the signs of when we fall into it. Some of us are there much of the time, for others of us we can fall into it only at certain times, or only around certain topics.
The most important cue to look out for that will help you identify when you or others are embedded: We are convinced we are “right” AND we are unable to take a collaborative stance (meaning feedback, ideas, or the perspectives on what is happening from others does not inform / change / influence how you see a situation).
The more we can work to observe our inner worlds, the better we can get at catching when we’re in this embedded stance and shifting to a reflective or collaborative stance where we can recognize we have a (valid) perspective, but not the only perspective and often not all the facts.
We want to try and hold, at all times, that any perspective is informed by our thoughts, feelings, prior experiences, AND what we think of as reality (aka what is happening in the environment around us). None of us are ever completely without our filters, but we can work to see them and understand how they influence our perception of “what happens”
The path out of embededness is flexibility, openness, curiosity, self-inquiry, and an acceptance that we hold a perspective that is informed by both current and prior experience. The more we can accept the impact of perspective, the more we can sort out and eventually cope with “what is happening”.

Our thoughts and feelings are incredibly powerful influencers over our actions. While we want to live a life where we can honor, listen to, and respect our inner world, we also need to become monitors of when our inner world may be overly informing how we understand a situation.

When we are embedded we are no longer treating our feelings like traffic signals, but instead they have become truth detectors about what “is” happening inside and outside of us. As David Wallin says, “When embedded in experience…whatever we sense, feel, and believe at any given moment we simply take at face value” (P. 135).

This might mean if I notice I’m angry “because you didn’t do the dishes” I take that anger at face value and am more limited in my ability to step back, reflect, and recognize that what I’m actually angry about is a feeling of inequity in our household responsibilities; or, perhaps I’m angry and associating it with the dishes, but really it’s about the fact that I am hungry, or had a bad day at work. Perhaps my anger is also about my own relationship with responsibility; I would never give myself permission to rest before the responsibilities are done, and I am angry that you allow yourself to do so. My anger is important for me to listen to, reflect on, and perhaps act on and make changes around, but my ability to use my anger constructively is highly limited when I’m in an embedded stance, “I’m angry about the dishes because you didn’t and don’t do the dishes” is as far as I’ll ever get.

To really address and solve problems in our lives, we need to be able to see and understand “what is happening”. To do this effectively we have to look at what is happening both inside and outside of us. When we can access a reflective stance we can sit with, interpret, and make sense of our feelings and cues from our inner world. When embedded, we cannot access this reflective place.

Openness, flexibility, curiosity, self-inquiry, and a desire to slow down and look at all internal and external aspects of a situation will help us shift out of an embedded stance and into a reflective stance. Examples, further explanation, and further resources in today’s comments.

Comments:

The quote from page 135 is in reference to David Wallin’s Attachment in Psychotherapy. Full citation: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press.
If you are in an embedded stance a lot of the time, please take this as a cue that you need professional help. An embedded stance can be hurtful to relationships, jobs, and ones ability to make progress in treatment. It can even lead to harming ones self or others when we are “certain” things are a particular way that concerns or upsets us. If you are having those kinds of thoughts right now, reach out for help.
Embededness can exist on a spectrum; some of us experience it most of the time around many topics, others of us can fall in or out of it based on the topic and hand or current stressors in our lives. While many of us are not operating from an embedded stance most of the time, we want to hold awareness that we can all get there and we are more prone to doing so the less safe we feel, and the more stress our bodies have to endure (whether from sleep deprivation, illness, hunger, or ongoing environmental stressors – like conflict, lack of safety in relationships and in your community, etc). We also want to remember that embededness is not all or nothing, we may experience it only around certain topics and we may be able to access openness, flexibility, and curiosity around other topics or at other times.
One key thing to remember, sometimes are are “right”, i.e. seeing the facts of a situation in an objective, collaborative way with awareness of our subjectivity. Being aware and building insight into when we are operating from an embedded stance means that there are times when we are aware we are less open to and prone to reflection, but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other times we can’t have an understanding of what’s happening in a productive and useful way. The key is to work towards knowing when you’re embedded and missing out on your subjectivity.
Other potential indicators that you are in an embedded stance:
1. We may find our focus narrowing on a singular “cause” and “effect” narrative about what’s happening to create the current dynamic and situation. When this happens we may start internalizing or externalizing (i.e. assigning responsibility entirely to someone else or ourselves for the outcome of a situation).
2. Often we are feeling one or more feelings intensely. I.E. we are flooded. If you are flooded you want to work to ground.
1. We may be out of our window of tolerance.
2. As David Wallin points out, we may not see any need or purpose for reflecting or considering a topic further (because we already think we “know all the facts”).
So what’s the difference between being “embedded” or “stubborn” or “a know-it-all”? When we are embedded we not only think we are right, we cannot take in another perspective as being valid or possible. The embedded stance applies to both our external relationships (like how we talk to or treat others), and most critically our internal world (how we think through things ourselves). When we are embedded we can’t entertain the idea that we hold a perspective, rather than the “facts”. If this is how you think of stubborn or a know it all – then ok! There is no difference, but if this feels slightly more nuanced, than I hope this explanation helps.
Embedness is a path to inadvertently creating self-fulfilling prophecies for ourselves and our relationships. As David Wallin says in Attachment and Psychotherapy when we are embedded we are “Unable to reflect on the difference between feelings and facts, we remain blind to the ways in which we habitually construct as well as construe the ‘reality’ of our own experience” (Wallin 158). For more on how this happens see my post on cyclical psychodynamics.
A lot of what I am writing about in terms of the way out of an embedded stance translates into Marsha Linehan of DBTs concept of “Dialectical”. As she says, “There is always more than one side to anything that exists. Look for both sides…what am I missing? Where is the kernel of truth in the other side”? Quote is from Page 151 of the 2nd edition of her DBT workbook manual, full citation: Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® skills training handouts and worksheets (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
A further example of how an embedded stance can impact our perspective and hurt us in relationships: “When feeling frightened, for example, the circumstances that seem to have evoked our fear are regarded – unquestioningly – as realistically dangerous…our internal world trumps external reality, regardless of the facts of the case” (Wallin, 135). In some situations (like a fire) there isn’t too much interpretation needed; in relationships, however an embedded stance can very quickly create problems. I may feel it’s a huge warning sign if someone doesn’t arrive on time because of all the associations I have about feeling unimportant or blown off by prior relationships. In an embedded state I will take this to be true, because I feel blown off, I must be unimportant to this person. When embedded I fail to recognize the impact of my personal sensitivities, or perhaps the context of their situation. When embedded “there is only a single perspective on experience, a single view, as if there were no interpretations but only perceptions, no beliefs that are not also facts” (Wallin, p. 135). More here on how and why our brains can create associations and pathways to beliefs.
I talk about constructive uses of anger in the post. If this is a foreign idea to you, read more in my post about how to make use of anger, and why we need it.
How to handle a conversation when someone else seems to be coming at the dialogue from an embedded stance? You can feel shut out, unimportant, angry, and unheard. Try saying something like: “Hm. I’m feeling like I can’t really get through to you right now. Like everything I’m saying doesn’t seem to shift your perspective. I’d like to ask that you think about your willingness to be open to new ideas or a new perspective on this topic, I’m hopeful we can have a productive conversation if we can both come at this with an open mind”.

February 13, 2022April 26, 2023

IMPROVE

It does not make you inferior if a situation is more than you can handle; it makes you a person who knows your limits.
Sometimes, it is absolutely appropriate and necessary to temporarily bury feelings, hide them, or push them away. When we do this we are getting through the moment, and taking on only as much as we have capacity for.
We use distress tolerance skills as short term tools to help us manage when the intensity of our emotions is at a 9 or 10 out of 10. At those times we are at risk of coping in a manner that eases our duress for the moment, but creates problems for us down the road.
Think: substance use to numb ourselves, lashing out (verbally or physically) at others to release emotions, having an internal experience of our emotions that is so intense we can’t process what’s happening around us effectively, self-harm, or causing harm to others out of our own duress.
If you’ve ever looked back and thought, “I wasn’t in my right mind when I made that decision” chances are you could have used a distress tolerance skill to help you through.
Distress tolerance skills are not for the weak or people who “can’t handle it”, they are for any and all of us when a situation pushes us to our edge.
Remember, with distress tolerance skills we are not changing the moment, we are helping you get through the moment in a manner that will not create further problems for you once this moment has passed.
Distress tolerance skills have the added bonus of helping you “reset” so you can cope and come back online with you faculties intact, enabling you to manage the stressors ahead of you.
Using distress tolerance skills is often about getting out of black and white (all or nothing) thinking; “if I can’t make the problem go away, there is nothing I can do” is not constructive. You can improve your experience and increase your capacity to handle what is coming if you give yourself permission to use distress tolerance skills.
There is no right amount of time needed for you to be in a mode where distress tolerance skills are necessary, but generally speaking if you’re in a distress tolerance mode for more than 24 hours you may be navigating into the territory of avoidance, which creates a whole host of other problems in your life.
In today’s post I cover the skill “IMPROVE” from Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy textbook. Not every part of this will work for every person, consider this skill (and others I offer) as a buffet for you to pick and choose from for you to cope with your specific situation or stressors.

I – Imagery. If you can’t leave the situation in real life, you can temporarily use fantasy to create a new environment to be in. This skill can help us escape internal or external duress (i.e. imagining a more pleasant scenario), or, if it feels accessible, you can use it as a way of boosting yourself up (i.e. imagining yourself coping well).

M – Meaning. Terrible things happen. One way in which we can survive them is by making meaning out of them. This is often too big a task to do in the present, but what you can do is have faith in your ability to find meaning eventually. This can look like, “I don’t know how this will ever make sense to me, but I believe that I will find a way to learn, grow, and be a better person because of this”.

P – Prayer. If you are religious than this probably already makes sense. If not, think of prayer less literally as “asking god”, and more figuratively as a surrendering yourself to forces outside of your control. Prayer usually includes accepting what is happening and our limited ability to change it all while asking for help from some yet to be determined place (like from others, a future version of ourselves, our community etc).

R – Relaxing. Remember, our brains and bodies are connected in a giant feedback loop. If you are stressed, anxious, and upset your body is likely carrying that tension physically which signals to your brain the need to be on high alert (which can further heighten tension). You can interrupt the feedback loop by relaxing your body which will decrease your experience of the stress.

O – One thing in the moment. This is reviewed extensively here. This skill centers us and can reduce our experience of chaos.

V – Vacation (temporarily) from responsibilities. Also known as, a break, denial, avoidance, or time to regroup. For this to work you really have to clear your mind of the problem and focus on something else.

E – Encouragement. Our internal world can be brutal. Try shifting your internal voice to approach yourself like you would a friend or a child (with encouragement, kindness, a focus on capacity and strength, and without all the harshness that may be present for you at a difficult time).

Comments:

I write a lot in this account about the benefits of being present with your whole self throughout your day, which includes your body, emotions, thoughts, feelings, values, priorities, and the environment around you. While I absolutely stand by that recommendation, like nearly everything I’ve written about, this is not an all or nothing recommendation and the helpfulness of being present in this manner exists on a spectrum; there are times in all of our lives when we need to recognize our limits and our inability to be truly present in the moment. This post will help you identify where your limits are and, hint, often they are not where you want them to be. This post explains the rationale for distress tolerance skills. In it I cover the importance of having “distress tolerance skills” (as Marsha Linehan of DBT calls them) in your coping tool belt. I also cover how our brains respond to intense negative emotions in the comments.
Some of us may not identify with having our emotions at a 9 or 10 out of 10, but we do identify with repeatedly having those moments where we wish we hadn’t handled something in some way, or with feeling the opposite of intense emotions – nothing at all. The IMPROVE skills may be helpful for you too in those times, as well as grounding, another version of a “reset” for our brains that helps bring us back to the present and improve impulse control. Grounding skills are a version of vacation from responsibilities combined with one thing in the moment.
Another way to think about when to use distress tolerance skills is when you are outside of your window of tolerance.
When we force ourselves through a moment that is more intense than we know how to handle, without taking care of our emotional needs we are not only not using distress tolerance skills, we are at risk for experiencing the situation as traumatic. Read here for more on what makes something “traumatic”.
Your ability to use these skills heightens with a mindfulness practice, which helps us increase our ability to control what we place our attention on. See my prior posts on the rationale for mindfulness skills, for an introduction to meditation and its purpose, for sensory based meditation and for free form meditation.
Struggling with feeling like you shouldn’t “need” to do this or use these skills? See my post on Acceptance for help with this.
Are the concepts in IMPROVE new to you? That’s ok. The best way to help them become habits is to have realistic expectations for how to incorporate them into your life. See my post on how to make long term sustainable change.
A note on prayer. There are different types of prayer, why me prayers, asking for help prayers, acceptance prayers. In my experience “why me” prayers further our experience of helplessness where as acceptance and asking for help prayers are often more helpful in coping with an unfair or difficult moment.
Understanding how emotions work will help you better understand the “R” – Relax – skill. See post from November 1st, 2021 for more details on how our emotions work. As Marsha Linehan says of relaxing, “Often people tense their bodies as if by keeping them tense, they can actually make the situation change. They try to control the situation by controlling their bodies. The goal here is to accept reality with the body” by relaxing it. The quote is from page 99 of Linehan’s Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline personality disorder, 1st edition. Full Citation: Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Further insight into the benefits of “one thing in the moment” “O” skill, from Marsha Linehan’s manual: “Focusing on one thing in the moment can be very helpful in the middle of a crisis; it can provide time to settle down. The secret of this skill is to remember the the only pain one has to survive is ‘just this moment’. We all often suffer much more than is required by calling to mind past suffering and ruminating about future suffering we may have to endure” The quote is from page 100 of Linehan’s Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder, 1st edition. Full Citation: Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

December 9, 2021March 27, 2023

Rethinking “Lazy”

The concept of “laziness” is an inadequate way to think about the dynamics underlying someone’s difficulty with motivation, participation, energy, and engagement.
This is because a person’s “inherent laziness” becomes our explanation for why they disengage from something we believe they “should” be able to engage with. When we use this term we steer ourselves away from curiosity that would help us dig into whatever may be causing someone’s disengagement.
Calling ourselves or others “lazy” is often a tactic we use to elicit shame or express disapproval when we don’t otherwise understand someone’s disengagement from something we (or they) believe would benefit them.
Sometimes we say it in the hopes of stirring up motivation, or in the hopes of giving ourselves permission to give up and accept (with some level of resentment) the disengagement of ourselves or others.
In all my work with my clients over the years I have yet to find a situation where “laziness” was truly an adequate explanation for the complex and addressable dynamics contributing to “laziness”.
Here are a handful of examples of what may actually be happening for someone when they fall into a pattern we might label as “laziness”. There are more possible examples today’s comments, and many more possibilities out there. See the full content of today’s post for further explanation as to why this concept is damaging and unhelpful.
- Fear can shut down motivation and energy. We can disengage with something even if (on some level) we want to participate in it if it intimidates us, or if it has the potential to embarrass us or leave us feeling like a failure. Sometimes we’re not connected to that fear, and finding the fear can take some digging.
- Hopelessness can shut any and all of us down if it gets too powerful. We don’t believe it will make a difference, or there is a point in our participation so we shut down and disengage.
- We over-use coping mechanisms like distraction or avoidance when we are overwhelmed by a topic or activity we (or others) are “supposed” to engage with (i.e. procrastination). This can often happen if we don’t have strong time management skills or realistic expectations of ourselves and our capacities.
- Sometimes we aren’t interested in the things others (or we ourselves) tell us we “should” be interested in. We can build whole lives around expectations without ever really connecting with our genuine and authentic interests and motivation. This is often the case in “extreme” laziness as someone starts to shut down and pull away from a life they don’t really want to be living.

I consider the concept and term “Lazy” to be unproductive, limiting, and damaging. When we use a term like “Laziness” about ourselves or others we attribute “the problem” to someone’s personality, often leaving them feeling helpless, ashamed, and inadequate. This way of thinking about someone’s disengagement often creates an overwhelming and insurmountable barrier to understanding and addressing the underlying dynamics that create the “lazy” behavior.

When we assign “laziness” to a person or behavior I think it’s a sign we’ve hit an empathic wall with ourselves and others; we’ve given up, gotten frustrated, and so we look for a way to say “it’s out of my hands, it’s who I am (or they are)”. In attributing problems in ourselves or others to concepts like “laziness” we inadvertently miss huge opportunities to understand and address underlying issues because we’ve given up and determined its an issue of willpower.

Often when we use this term it’s a reflection on both our struggles with the situation and our inability to understand why we or others have disengaged from something that logically feels like it makes sense to participate in. It is natural to be frustrated and angry when things don’t make sense to us, but we short-change ourselves, others, and the situation when we think of ourselves and other’s in-terms of laziness. When we assign the lack of engagement to a person’s character or “way of being”, we generally stop getting curious about internal and external factors that may be interfering with someone’s participation.

For most of us “lazy” is a wall. It’s a road to nowhere.

In moments when we are tempted to use the word “lazy”, I would instead encourage us to bring as much curiosity as we can to the situation. If we can accept that someone must have a valid reason for not engaging with a topic, then our mission becomes to search, find, understand, and address that reason. Sometimes we must be relentless in that search, and in our faith that there must be something valid underlying something that otherwise doesn’t make sense.

Comments:

I mention character assassination in the post. Read this post on fair fighting to learn more about what it is and why to avoid it.
This post taps into how our lives can be ruled by “shoulds”, To learn more about how to disempower the “shoulds” see my post on acceptance.
I think of terms like “lazy” in the same way I think of a judgment. I have a whole series on understanding the problems with, identifying and deconstructing judgments.
Continued examples to help you start getting curious about what may be under “laziness” in yourself or a loved one in your life:
1. Sometimes we don’t know how to motivate ourselves. What motivates one person may be different from what motivates another, which means even members of the same family may need to find different tactics to get themselves going on something. If you are stuck try a different motivational tactic.
2. Many of us are living day to day with histories of relational trauma that deeply effect motivation and energy. Many people with histories of relational trauma don’t know it.
3. Secondary gains are a real thing. Sometimes we are inert because action would mean making a sacrifice or losing something that we otherwise value .
4. Sometimes we aren’t listening closely enough to our limits (which are often not where we want them to be) or differentiating between our shoulds and wants.
5. Exhaustion and unrealistically high expectations shut us down and interfere with potential. Sometimes the energy or capacity we feel we “should” have is not the energy we actually have. We label ourselves as “lazy” when we don’t meet expectations we hold for ourselves, but sometimes those expectations are the problem themselves. Learn more about how change happens to help with setting realistic expectations for yourself.

October 17, 2021March 27, 2023

Displacement

Our feelings are harder to access in environments where they are not welcome. This can be with certain people who we feel shut us down, and it can also be with our internal world if we believe certain feelings are bad, unproductive, or unacceptable.
When we can’t access and process through our feelings directly we may find ourselves prone to using displacement. When we “displace” we focus our energy, attention, and conversation around something other than the core issue at hand.
Displacement can be an indirect way of addressing an emotionally charged / intense topic or a topic we can’t find an accessible entry point into discussing or feeling our way through.
Example: you’ve had a bad day at work and take out your anger on your family once you’re home. Perhaps you’re feeling angry about work, and simultaneously feeling like you can’t change that environment / express yourself there and maintain professionalism (i.e. you can’t find an accessible entry point at work to handle your concerns in a direct way).
Although you don’t want to be irritable at home, you may (consciously or unconsciously) rationalize to yourself that your family is “stuck with you” and so you release your frustrations at home. In this scenario the person has displaced their anger at work onto their family members and in an environment where they feel their negative emotions are more tolerated.
Sometimes displacement of this nature can happen even when we don’t consciously *feel* angry. So yes, this means you can have a feeling, not register that you are having it, and then direct a release of it toward some other topic or person in your life.
The trouble with displacement is we focus our attention, energy, and conversation around the focal point, at times without acknowledgement or awareness of the underlying issue(s) at hand.
Unfortunately, even if we can “resolve” the displaced issue (in this example the conflict with our family), we haven’t resolved the core issue (work) and the recipient(s) of our displacement often leave the interaction(s) feeling like the other has been unreasonable.
If we are regularly displacing in our lives we run the risk of resentment in relationships, having the same fight repeatedly, believing our internal world is unreasonable, and feeling confused by or untrustworthy of our reactions.
More in today’s post and comments about how displacement can creep into relationships and decrease our ability to solve problems in our lives. Also, tips for how to find displacement and what to do about it.

When we “displace” we focus our thoughts, communications and/or reactions to a “stand-in” person / object / situation as opposed to the actual person / situation we are having a reaction to. When someone says they feel treated like a punching bag, often they are describing being the recipient of someone else’s displaced feelings.

Displacement can happen in lots of ways, imagine you and your spouse are in a fight about how the dishes are loaded in the dishwasher. More often then not those types of fights are a displacement of a different, larger, and more emotionally overwhelming topic. Instead of facing that topic head on, we can displace onto something more accessible and concrete, like how the dishes are loaded. In this scenario the intense emotions about a larger dynamic (could be anything, perhaps how heard one party feels) are displaced onto a smaller dynamic (how the dishes are loaded) that comes to represent the larger one.

Sometimes we can displace as a way of protecting ourselves from feelings we don’t want to have or believe we shouldn’t be having. At those times we can be fully wedded the the notion that we are having reactions to “the dishes” rather than some larger problem we don’t want to be true of our relationship or in our lives.

Other times when we displace, we may feel aware that the strength of our reaction doesn’t totally make sense. A helpful way to get to core of an issue when you suspect displacement is at play in yourself or others is to ask (in a collaborative, non-judgmental, and accepting manner):

Can you articulate why there is so much emotion or heat around this topic?
Does it feel like this type of thing happens in other ways we may not be discussing?
What else happened today or recently that this reminds me of that I might also be having a reaction to?
Does it feel like we might really be talking about something or someone else here?

Until we can get to the core of the issues we face we are at risk of having the same underlying concern or conflict around “stand-in” topics. With curiosity and introspection we can work to understand and know ourselves better to catch displacement in the act, and get to addressing core underlying concerns.

Notes

One of the reasons that therapy is effective is that a skilled therapist provides a space for someone to feel their feelings without judgment. The relationship becomes a safe place to release your emotions, and it’s not uncommon for patients to find themselves surprised by what comes out in a session. If this has happened to you in treatment this is often a great sign that you feel safe in your relationship with your therapist and they are helping you access, process through, and release what is already there and needs room to come out.
Once we’ve gotten good at recognizing the signs of displacement in ourselves and can recognize when we’re displacing from one topic to another the displaced topic itself can become a helpful entry point into conversation. For example, “I’m noticing myself feeling angry about the dishes but as I think about it, I’m realizing it’s not just the dishes, it’s more that the dishes are one example of how I feel like I ask you to do something and it doesn’t happen. I think we really need to talk about this because I can tell I’m getting resentful”.
Affairs in relationships can happen for many reasons, but one avenue for thinking about them (and there are many others) is through the notion of displacement. If you are having an affair one of many questions you can ask to build introspection and awareness is what need aren’t you getting met from your partner or your life that you have displaced into this other relationship?
I mention in the post that sometimes we can feel like our reactions don’t totally make sense for the situation we are in. Sometimes this is because we are displacing, but all feelings are valid even if they are about numerous situations at the same time. See this post on the cumulative nature of emotions as well as this post on how our brains make associations for a deeper dive into that topic.
I mention in the post that our feelings are harder to access in environments where they are not welcome including our internal world if we believe certain feelings are bad, unproductive, or unacceptable. See more here for how to approach your internal world in a way that won’t shut it down .
I mention in the post that we can have an emotion and not register we are having it. It’s true. For more about how this works see this post on emotional blocking.
Alcoholics Anonymous groups talk about displacement too, though they use the phrase “Coming out Sideways” to discuss how emotions or reactions can come out “sideways” to a focal point other than the core issue, problem, concern, or person.
Our insight into our use of displacement can vary even if we are otherwise self-aware and reflective. We can be very self-aware in some categories of our life and in some relationships, as less so in others. Further, we can displace more around certain types of issues than others. Our insight can vary based on a variety of factors including whether we’re in our window of tolerance, or when we’re operating outside of our limits.

June 30, 2021November 8, 2021

Thought Management Tool

Anxiety can be a runaway train. The following six step thought management tool helps you slow it down and regain control.
Step One: identify the raw worry thought. Just get it out there. It doesn’t matter if once you write it down it seems ridiculous.
- Example:
  - I’m going to fail at giving this presentation
Step Two: Rephrase the worry thought so there is descriptive (rather than judgmental) language. This will enable you to get to the “core” of the worry.
- Example:
  - “I’m going to fail at giving this presentation” BECOMES
    - I’m going to freeze up and not be able to remember all the points I want to present
    - People won’t think I’m smart / capable
Step Three: List out all the reasons why you believe this worry could come true.
- Example:
  - People can be judgmental
  - people that don’t know me well may draw conclusions about how capable they think I am from this presentation
  - I have frozen up during presentations before.
Step Four: List out all the reasons why you believe this worry won’t come true.
- Example:
  - People that know me are likely to use this presentation as only one instance in their sense of me and who I am
  - People that don’t know me will hopefully trust that I was assigned this presentation because others believe I can do this
  - I don’t know that people will be as quick to jump to conclusions as I fear
  - There will hopefully be opportunities to gain respect (even if I lose it) in the future
  - I haven’t always frozen up at presentations. Sometimes they go ok.
Step Five: Now identify your priorities, goals, and what really matters to you about the situation you are in.
- Example:
  - I want to build my reputation at this company as someone that is reliable, capable, and a valuable member of the team
  - I want to be given more opportunities like this in the future
  - I want to build my confidence so I’m not always so anxious before presentations
  - I want the presentation to go well (i.e. I, my boss, and the client are satisfied with it).
  - I want to get better at giving presentations
Step six: Identify what you can do to address the worries you hold (with respect to the priorities you’ve established), how you can troubleshoot for the things you know are likely to “go wrong”, and how you can help yourself feel more comfortable.
- Example:
  - I want to ask someone who has presented in front of these people before how “tough” an audience it is so I can be prepared for what to expect
  - I can remind myself that if people judge my intellect or my capacity based on one presentation then that’s not in my control and it’s short sighted on their part
  - I can practice before hand to feel more confident
  - I can remember to pause and collect my thoughts for a moment if I need to
  - I can bring bullet points with me so I remember the key points and one of my bullet points can be the remember to pause and collect my thoughts when I need to

One of the challenges with anxiety is that it can accelerate our thinking. We can get overwhelmed quickly – to a point where we can’t identify what we are thinking or feeling, we just feel anxious, out of control, and (often) helpless to stop it.

Therapists work to help their clients slow down the speed of anxious thoughts and come to understand them. The tool in today’s post helps you slow down worries, understand key concerns, reduce helplessness, and feel more in control (which is often one of the reasons anxiety gets so severe). This tool gets you focused back on what matters to you and what you CAN control.

I recommend starting with writing this down or typing it out. In time, this may become automatic enough that you can do it in your head.

Step One. Raw Worry thought(s). You may have many, that’s ok, run through the exercise with each of them. The point of this column is to try and put words to the internal chaos so you know what you’re working with. Sometimes just clarifying the worry can help reduce anxiety.

Step Two. Rephrase the worry thought so there is descriptive (rather than judgmental) language. Judgments are often short-cuts that stop us in our tracks and leave us stuck in developing a plan of action. Substitute words like good, bad, right, wrong, should, shouldn’t, fail, succeed, hard, and easy with more descriptive language. See posts from 4/11-4/15 for detailed instructions on how to do this.

Steps three and four help challenge the likelihood of the worry coming true by forcing you to really think through the possibilities of what could happen.

Step Five: Pause and think through priorities. Look out for judgmental language here (i.e. instead of I want to do a “good” job, define what a “good” job means). The priorities for the situation don’t have to link up to the prior steps. This is a centering step to help you get to the heart of what matters to you and in this situation.

Step six: This gives you actionable steps, reduces helplessness, empowers you, and helps you gain control where control can be had.

After completing the exercise you are likely to feel centered and able to take steps to move towards meeting your goal(s)

Sample completed tool below for anxiety about giving a presentation:

Notes:

Deconstructing judgments is a key step and one that may require more detailed instruction. If you’re getting stuck on this step read this post to help you identify a judgment, this post to learn more about how judgments limit us, and this post to learn more about how to deconstruct a judgment.
I developed this tool, but it contains concepts merged from DBT and CBT

May 26, 2021March 27, 2023

Controlling our Attention

We can’t control what happens to us. What happens to us includes events, but it also includes our thoughts and our feelings
Many of us experience inner anguish because we have trouble accepting that what we think and feel is not actually within our control.
We feel what we feel, we think what we think and the best way to insulate ourselves from tough times is work to build coping skills that help us live in harmony with our inability to have the inner world we believe (or have been told) we “should” have.
We can use meditation and mindfulness based skills to help us detach from the intensity of our thoughts and feelings. While we can’t control what happens, these skills help us increase our control over what we pay attention to.
We can use emotion regulation skills that help us to “turn down the dial” on emotions when they are intense, but not at their most powerful.
When emotions are their most intense we can use distress tolerance skills to help us get through a situation without responding to them in a way that will create a problem for us further down the road.
This account will help you learn skills in all three of these categories, and work to help you build awareness of when it makes sense to use which kind of skill.
These skills help us manage pain when it arises in a way that won’t create further suffering for us, and will help protect our relationships and get us through with as little suffering as possible.
No one manages their thoughts and feelings ideally 100% of the time. That is not possible. We are all human. The goal is to help you have the skills so that you know what to do, aren’t so lost in those moments, and can get through them with as little suffering as possible.

One of the things we therapists know, and we work to help our clients accept, is that coping is about learning and accepting what we can and can’t control. We can’t completely control what happens to us, our thoughts and our feelings.

Many of us have luck for sometime pushing thoughts and feelings down or away. We also can organize our lives in such a way that we can have some control over what happens in it, though that’s more often possible when we have more resources. Regardless, at best we only have some control, and we don’t have the level of control many of us wish we did.

I want to be clear: pushing feelings or thoughts down or away isn’t bad. It’s a skill. A skill that works some of the time. However, if we only rely on that particular skill for coping with our internal world we are not equipped for very difficult times, or for when a tidal wave of thoughts or feelings comes in. Further, we lose our ability to learn from our feelings if we rely too heavily on pushing them away.

So, we all need to have a broad array of coping skills. Think of them like tools in a tool belt, different skills for different scenarios.

Instead of trying to control what happens to us, our thoughts, or our feeling we can work to increase our ability to control what we pay attention to and to detach from the intensity of what we may be feeling or thinking. This can be done through meditation and mindfulness based work.

Sometimes we need to learn how to lower intense feelings, that’s called emotion regulation. We use emotion regulation skills when we feel emotions on a level where they “need some wrangling” (i.e. they aren’t dissipating on their own), but not when they are at their most powerful.

When our feelings are really intense, and emotion regulation skills don’t work we can learn to ride them out, let them peter off, distract, or soothe ourselves through distress tolerance skills. With these skills we are working on introducing new and different focal points to divert our attention for a period of time. We are not solving or changing, we are getting through and in doing so helping our brains “reset” so we can tackle the issue when our feelings are not as intense.

Notes:

This post outlines three of the fours modules in Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s skill’s training program. For more information Full Citation: Linehan, M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
Pushing thoughts and feelings down or away, as mentioned in the post, is a distress tolerance skill. It is a powerful tool to use when our emotions are too overwhelming for us to face, or when the scenario we are in requires we move forward rather than address our experience. For more on why we need distress tolerance skills see the argument for distress tolerance. As with ANY distress tolerance skill we want to return to the topic at hand once we are available to face it (i.e. the scenario allows it, and our internal world feels more balanced).
We use emotion regulation skills when we are still in our window of tolerance, but nearing the edges of it, or perhaps just outside of it. For information on what our window of tolerance is and what it feels like to be outside of it, see “window of tolerance”.
Another reason it is difficult to control our thoughts and feelings is outlined in the post “your brain as an association machine“.
Post covering how we can learn from our emotions is called “emotions as traffic signals” .
Unsure if your emotion is dissipating on its own, or if you need to intervene to help? See Emotions are brief.
One thing that feels important to acknowledge: While these skills can help us manage pain they are not the be all end all and it’s not as though these replace the need for therapy or support from others at times. These skills do not turn us into a one person “cope with anything and everything” machine. These skills help us manage pain when it arises in a way that won’t create further suffering for us, and will help protect our relationships and get us through with as little suffering as possible.

May 18, 2021March 27, 2023

The Brain as an “Association Machine”

Think of your brain like one giant association machine
It is constantly looking to learn, make connections from prior experiences, keep you safe, and make sure your needs are met
The majority of associations and connections are made when we are kids, when most development happens
Those associations are our brain trying to make sense of the world in a way that protects us, our relationships, and gets our emotional, physical, and relational needs met.
Sometimes the associations from one phase of life serve us very well in that phase, but then don’t serve us as universally well in others.
If you are stuck and unsure what to do, or if you (or someone in your life) is having reactions that don’t quite make sense consider that your brain may be trying to solve a new problem in the “old” way
We can learn new ways, build new associations, and make genuine changes, but first we have to come to recognize what is hard wired in us from the environments we developed in
It is easier to do that if we can have compassion for our past selves, and accept that what we are doing may have made sense before, but may not (as universally) make sense now
See examples in comments for illustrations which show how our patterns can both serve us and hold us back
The good news is we are working on EXPANDING patterns, not abandoning parts of ourselves. What worked in the past may work again so we can ADD new tools and ways of being.

Think of your brain like a giant association machine that at all times is working on learning and making connections. It’s developing a sense of cause and effect, right and wrong, should and shouldn’t – rules for living and operating; the dos and don’ts of life so you can learn from your mistakes and optimize your successes. Your brain makes the most connections in childhood when most development happens, but throughout adulthood your brain still actively works to keep you safe and protected.

If you grew up in an ideal environment (and there’s really actually no such thing) your brain would have all the ideal associations. Instead, each of us starts to make connections based on our own personal experiences, our family norms, and lessons from what we see and experience in our culture and community.

These patterns – regardless of how effective they are in a diversity of situations – get hard wired in and become second nature. They are our automatic go-to solutions and ways of thinking about things, responding to ourselves, and responding to others.

Some of those associations serve us forever, and in a diversity of scenarios (like knowing smiling is a signal of friendliness). Some of those associations served us at one point in our life and in one environment (like with the folks that raised us) but then maybe don’t quite make so much sense in other environments (examples in comments).

So, when we have reactions that don’t quite make sense to us, it’s likely your brain is associating the current situation with one from the past. Your brain is trying to apply the old rules to a new situation, and sometimes it doesn’t work out in our favor.

We can learn be more discerning and less automatic with these associations through building insight into what our automatic patterns are, and challenging that automated way of being through the use of mindful and intentional responses, choices, and actions. We can also learn to add in responses that may have been “off limits” in our early environment by observing what works for others that we may not feel is accessible for us (yet). And of course – therapy can help too.

Notes:

Season 1 of the HBO show WestWorld explores this concept through its use of humans and robots. The show explores how humans, like robots, can build such strong associations and patterns that they lose their ability to think critically and respond to individual moments and situations.
Wondering how this applies to you? Ask yourself what feel like your hard and fast rules for how you handle: your feelings, your friendships, saying yes to something, saying no to something, making plans, handling conflict. Bring as much curiosity as you can to what feels “normal” to you and the environment you came from – and then – think about if you’ve seen other examples of how those same scenarios are handled by others. What’s a “rule” or “norm” for you, may not be as universal as you may believe.
I talk about themes related to this in my post from April 15th, “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
Examples of relational and emotional health related associations made in childhood that may have protected us as children but may not serve us as well as adults are numbered below.
Example 1: Imagine you grew up in a home where you were a pretty emotional kid, and your parents were less emotional people. Or maybe they were emotional, but often preoccupied and not very plugged into you. Once they knew you were upset they would be very comforting and supportive, but it was hard for them to see early (or even mid – cues) that you were in distress and needed support. To get the help you might learn you needed to have BIG reactions. Yelling, crying, screaming – expressing emotions at a high level. We can understand then the association your brain would build – if i need emotional help, I have to be LOUD for the people around me to plug into me. So as an adult you might have BIG reactions, and yes – people would know how you felt, but, it might also be hard for others to tolerate such big reactions. While your sensitive and emotional nature might be very appreciated by others (because empathy may come very naturally to you) your way of handling your big feelings might not work in an environment where people are more plugged into you.
Example 2: Imagine you grew up in a home where you had a parent that needed a lost of positivity from you. Whenever you shared your frustrations or sadness they would find a positive spin to it. If you pushed on expressing your sadness, anger, jealousy etc they would tell you you had a bad attitude and you learned that if you brought your negative emotions to the relationship the parent would push you away. You would probably learn to push away your negative emotions too, and keep things light and positive around yourself and others (because what you’ve learned is these negative emotions just cause issues). In many scenarios in your life having that optimistic attitude would probably serve you – you’d always find a way to see the upside of things. People would probably really like your positive energy and spirit. But, not all situations in life HAVE a positive spin, and part of getting through life is being able to get through the rough times – some of which there just won’t be an upside to. So, some people may think of you as a bit of a “pollyanna’ and people may not talk to you about the REALLY hard stuff, because it could feel dismissive to have you try and find the positive when they are really hurting or struggling with something. Also, you may be more vulnerable to experiencing depression at some point in your life because your most heavily relied upon coping mechanism is to “find the positive’. This is a GREAT coping mechanism, and one we want you to keep, AND we’d want you to learn more ways to manage negative feelings beyond trying to “find the positive”. This would help you build resilience and likely help you connect better and more meaningfully with others in your life.
Example 3: Imagine you lived in a home where your parent became very angry with you when you made a mistake. Maybe you were punished, or shamed, or told you should know better. The parent never acknowledged they might have over-reacted, and so what you learned was that your relationships suffer (and you feel overwhelming feelings you can’t really handle) when you make mistakes. You might become an adult who is very high functioning and proficient (because you rarely make mistakes), but you might carry with you a lot of anxiety about making mistakes for fear of it hurting relationships, or for fear of how it makes you feel. You also might become an adult who hides their mistakes from those around them (for fear that finding out about the mistake would harm the relationship, or bring up those feelings). You might have a hard time with vulnerability. People “catching” you in mistakes might make you defensive (because your brain will go to all kinds of extremes to do what it thinks will protect you from having a problem in your relationship or from feeling those feelings that feel way too big to manage). As you can imagine, though, this might actually CREATE problems in your relationship because a) you have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong and taking accountability and b) you might be spending a lot of time preoccupied with not making mistakes instead of focusing on the big picture. You will also become more avoidant of your feelings which may leave you more vulnerable to anxiety and or depression.
Example 4: Imagine you grew up in a home where your parent would shut down if you challenged them, regardless of whether you were right or wrong. You’d probably learn that it’s best not to be direct with people, regardless of the circumstances. Being more indirect would serve you with your parents, and perhaps in other relationships too. People might see you as non-abrasive and approachable. However, if we don’t EVER feel it’s acceptable to be direct then there are situations where it will be called for (like with someone who may not have strong intuitive skills, or who may need things really laid out for them to “get it”). Because that “directness” feels inaccessible, we’ll be stuck in those moments in part because indirectness feels so essential to us.
Interested in trying to build up that capacity for mindfulness? See this post, “Foundations of Meditation“.
What I discuss in this post is backed by neuroscience. David Wallin’s Attachment in Psychotherapy explains how the work of Daniel Siegel and others shows the associational nature of brain development: “Siegel explains that what registers in the mind and body as ‘experience’ corresponds at the neural level to patterns in the firing or activation of brain cells. These pattern of neuronal firing establish synaptic connections in the brain that determine the nature of its structure and functioning…the architecture of the brain is associational” – Page 69: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.

April 15, 2021March 27, 2023

Shoulds vs. Wants

Shoulds – Things we do out of a sense of obligation or responsibility to ourselves or others
Wants – Things we do bring us joy or that we feel like doing in the moment
(nearly) everything we spend our time on can be thought of as a “should” or a “want”
If we don’t have a balance between “shoulds” and “wants” we can develop a whole host of problems
“balance” doesn’t have to mean equal time
Too many shoulds and we may find ourselves feeling burned out, miserable, and resentful
Too many wants and we may have trouble in relationships or keeping up with responsibilities
The process of figuring out what’s a “should” and what’s a “want” can be surprising and challenging to suss out

Nearly all activities in life can be broken down into things you “want” to do and things you feel (or other people tell you) you “should” do. Marsha Linehan (of DBT) focused on how this applies to relationships, but I think it goes beyond that.

Things in the “want” column genuinely interest us, we enjoy doing, and we (more) easily make time for. They can be responsibilities or requests of us by others, but we’d probably still do them if left to our own devices.

Things in the “should” column feel more like obligations placed on us by ourselves, our culture, our society, and the people around us. Sometimes they are so ingrained we don’t question them. We can still enjoy or feel fulfilled by them, but more often than not we enjoy having “done” them rather than the act of “doing” them.

We can sometimes get confused here, because we put something in the “want” column that actually belongs in the “should” column. A good clue that you’re in this situation is that you can’t seem to “find time” for something or you dread it, feel anxious about or irritated by it.

Keeping a balance between shoulds and wants is essential for our well being. And no, balance does not have to mean equal time.

People that are too heavily weighted in the shoulds may be meeting the expectations of their friends, family, society and/or culture, but may feel burned out, miserable, and resentful. They may also avoid additional activities they feel they “should” do because they’re just too spent. They also may feel guilty or anxious when they try and release themselves from the expectation of the should.

People that are too heavily weighted in the wants can have trouble in relationships, be perceived as “self-centered”, and sometimes have other troubles like debt or a tough time sticking with something.

If you’re finding yourself feeling stuck, unhappy, in a rut etc – try going through the exercise of sorting the things you spend your time on into “shoulds” and “wants”. The key here is to be honest with yourself, and this process can be surprising (see comments for common pitfalls).

If you come to recognize you’re heavily weighted one way or the other it may be time for a change

Notes:

Too many wants and shoulds overall is an inability to prioritize. This can lead to a different but also problematic circumstance in which we feel all the negatives of being too heavily weighted both ways AND difficulties with decision making.
Sometimes things feel neither like a want or a should but more like something we do to pass time or to help us numb out – that’s a different category of things for another day / post
I know this may sound VERY privileged, but the key is to remember to consider what you want if you find your life is over-run with shoulds. This can be as simple as a 20 second pause and deep breath before walking in your home after a long day or an extra minute in the shower to just take in a moment of relaxation
Common things that we think of as wants but may be shoulds depending on your personality: Exercise, Reading, Learning a language, playing an instrument, Seeing particular family or friends, cooking, tasks related to career or academic development, reaching a culturally valued milestone (like purchasing a home, getting married, or having a child)
Quick tip: if you are having trouble identifying wants start asking yourself “what to I feel like doing / eating / wearing / spending time on” etc throughout your day. The wants will likely start to creep in. If not, see a post to come on mindfulness.