- Too often we are advised to set a boundary in a way that can feel like it hyper-prioritizes what we want to say, but may not give enough consideration to how we come across or what feels “right” to us personally
- Alternately, often times we come to believe that to take care of a relationship we can’t speak in a way that is authentic and honest
- If you’re struggling to figure out how to say something, or in relationships more generally work towards identifying your priority between your sense of self-respect, how you want the other person to feel, and your goals for any given interaction.
- Further explanation in post below. Numbered examples beneath it
When Relationships are going well we are regularly balancing taking care of ourselves and the relationship. Marsha Linehan developed the following strategy in DBT and I’d like to give you my take on it while explaining her ideas.
The basic premise is for our relationships to go well we need to feel good about ourselves; be authentic about our limits, needs, and preferences; treat one another with consideration and respect, and (assuming it’s not in conflict with what I just mentioned) at times prioritize what someone else wants or needs over what we would prefer. And yes, we need to do ALL of these things MOST of the time.
Our relationships can run into trouble when we are not giving enough consideration to the needs of the relationship, our sense of self-respect, and our objectives (goals) for any given interaction. I like to envision these as points on a triangle – connected, but distinct.
When our priority is an Objective, we want to focus on the specific outcome we want in a situation (asking a favor, saying yes, saying no, etc). When our priority is the Relationship, we want to prioritize how the other person will feel about us when the interaction ends (which may include focusing on their request, emotional needs, perspective, concerns, etc). When our priority is Self-Respect we want to prioritize our integrity and how we feel about ourselves (how much we share, what our values are, etc).
So, whether the Objective, the Relationship, or our sense of Self-Respect is our priority at any given moment in time, we still want to say things in a way that takes care of the other two points. You may find some priorities and values change day to day and / or over time – this is normal! One size does not fit all.
If you can’t figure out how to say something, or are finding yourself repeatedly struggling in relationships, it can help to think of this triangle, rank order your priorities between the three corners of the triangle, and develop what you will say or how you will act with consideration to the priority and the other 2 corners. And yes, you MUST rank them. This can be the hardest part.
See examples below. There is no one right way.
1. For the sake of the examples listed below let’s come up with some ideas for how to effectively say no to a request to attend a party ( assuming it’s non-covid times) – AND – things to avoid saying / doing. Let’s assume you like the person, want to remain #friends, but just aren’t a party person.
2. Objective is to: not go. Relationship: You want the friendship to grow. Self-Respect: You don’t want to reveal the rationale for not going.Objective is priority, relationship is second, self respect is third: Consider saying “Thank you for inviting me. I’m not up for it, but I hope you have a great time”
3. Relationship is priority, objective is second, self-respect is third: Consider saying “I really appreciate this invitation. I was so happy you included me. I hope we can get together another time, but I’m not up for it this time around. Thanks”
4. Self-respect is priority, relationship is second, objective is third: Consider saying, “Because I care about you and our relationship I want to let you know that I’m not really a party person. I’m going to decline, but I hope you know it’s not because I don’t want to spend time with you. I’d love for us to get together another time in a smaller group, or one-on-one”.
5. Things to avoid saying: “Not this time, but let me know about the next one!” If you’re really not a party person, you’re just setting yourself up to be invited again and it will probably not care for the relationship to have someone continue to extend themselves only for you to turn them down repeatedly.
6. Things to avoid saying: “No” (and only no) While “#no” is not inappropriate, it may not be enough context to care for the relationship and is not likely to communicate that you want to see this person again, just not in this context. Similarly, ignoring the request / not acknowledging it doesn’t give enough consideration to the relationship, as the other party may interpret that as you not being interested in them as opposed to not being interested in the party.
7. Things to avoid saying: “I don’t go to parties because _______”. While it’s OK to provide context, we don’t want you feeling like you NEED to rationalize or contextualize your boundaries to set them. Maybe with some close folks you loop them in, but this isn’t necessary. You get to have your boundaries and keep your rationale to them private unless you WANT to share them. IF you want to, then by all means share! That sharing (vulnerability) can improve connections and relationships.