- What if no one is ever “over-reacting”? What if our strong emotions are reasonable reactions to the moment we are in, as well as other moments and experiences that preceded it?
- When we tell ourselves or others we are “over-reacting” we shift the focus from what may be causing the reaction to how big the reaction is.
- We want to learn from big strong feelings, and while we need to be able to manage them, we can’t learn from them when we push them away or deny them.
- Ongoing emotional suppression (pushing emotions down) and invalidation (denying them) have big risks – they can contribute to anxiety and depression.
- When faced with strong emotions, try approaching them with curiosity, even if you don’t like or agree with them.
- This means acknowledging, but then temporarily setting aside that part of yourself that wants to say, “but wait! this doesn’t make any sense! This is ridiculous!”
- This curiosity and willingness to understand our emotions will make it more likely we can learn and grow from these experiences – and take care of ourselves and others before blow-ups and melt-downs happen.
When faced with powerful emotions – our own, or others – it’s tempting to say we (or others) are “over-reacting”. Unfortunately, when we respond in this way we not only invalidate (deny) the emotions, but we also reduce our ability to understand what may be behind the reaction. Repeated experiences of invalidation and emotional suppression can heighten anxiety and depression
But! There is another way we can engage with these moments that improves self-awareness / partner – awareness, connection, and decreases the likelihood of repeated conflict or ongoing internal struggle
First we must make some basic assumptions internally before engaging with what’s happened (and yes, you really must buy into these points for you to truly be curious rather than critical).
1) Let’s assume the big reaction comes from a valid place even if we think this reaction is stronger than what the situation calls for
2) Let’s remember that at any given time all of us are responding to whatever happened immediately to spark a reaction (also called a trigger), as well as a lifetime of other experiences that preceded this moment and that may be informing how we respond
(A key point: Even though our feelings are valid, how we express them can be problematic. Just because it “comes from a valid place” it doesn’t mean we don’t want to work towards changing how those big reactions come out or or processed within us)
Next, we introduce as much curiosity as possible to try and understand what has happened. We cannot truly be curious if we are still invested in the idea that “this was too much”, so keep coming back to those assumptions until you really buy in
The KEY here is to move away from invalidating by saying or thinking “this has been blown out of proportion”, “you’re just being crazy”, “you’re over-reacting”, etc to a mindset of curiosity and trust, “something’s really gotten stirred up here, let’s try and get to the bottom of it”
Once we REALLY understand it, then we can address it and maybe even solve for it, but until that understanding happens we’ll be having the same internal struggles or the same fight over and over again with our partner, self, relative or friend
Notes:
- Pro tip – wait until emotions have calmed before trying to dive into being curious about them
- Pro tip – this really only works with a (mostly) mature adult brain (brains reach maturity in our 20s). I.e. This exact version of coping is not suited for kids and some adolescents, though there are versions of this you can bring to your relationships with your children. See @biglittlefeelings and @janetlansbury or read Daniel Siegal’s whole brain child for more info on young kids and how to approach their big feelings in a productive way
- Sample questions to help promote curiosity. This is a great journaling exercise or topic to think through on a walk. *Can you name what you’re feeling? (You are probably feeling more than one thing). Try and lay all the feelings out. It doesn’t matter if it feels conflicting or doesn’t make any sense. *Have you felt this way before? In what other kinds of situations? Lay those out too. Is there a link you see between this past situation and the current one? (i.e. do reactions like this tend to happen more when you feel lonely, unheard, misunderstood, exhausted, etc)? *Does your reaction feel linked to anything else going on in your life at this time, or in past relationships? Let your mind wander a bit, it doesn’t have to “fit” or “make sense” at first. Sometimes we only see these connections after we’ve laid them out and sat with them for a while.