- Judgements are shortcuts we use instead of taking ownership of our beliefs, values, morals, opinions and perspectives
- We can use them instead of acknowledging consequences
- We can also use judgments as a way to try and control ourselves or others
- Sometimes we use language like “bad” or “wrong” or “shouldn’t” and we can’t articulate why or we don’t understand what we mean by it, we just feel strongly that it “is”
- Judgments hugely limits our ability to talk to people who have differing values / opinions / beliefs / perspectives
- Judgments also limit our ability to understand ourselves, deal with underlying concerns, and meet underlying needs
- When we rely on judgments to communicate or think through something we are more prone to misunderstanding, disconnection, confusion, conflict and overall stuck-ness.
- We often time can’t get anywhere productive in the conversation or in our thoughts and get hung up on the same issues again and again. If you find this happening internally or in conversation look for a judgment – it might be hidden.
- This is a three part series. See previous post for clarification on how to identify a judgment. Post to come on what to do when we are stuck on a judgment.
Marsha Linehan describes judgments as short-cuts that allow us to hide our values, perspectives, preferences, beliefs, or moral stances behind absolute statements. We don’t have to take ownership when we use a judgment. Something just “is”.
We often use language like “it’s wrong” or “it’s bad” as a substitute for statements like “I don’t like this”, “it has potential consequences”, or “my values differ from this”. We say “It’s good”, but what we may really mean is that we see value in it and/or are willing to treat it as important.
Judgments can also be a way to try and control ourselves or others. After all, it’s It’s not “wrong” to run a red light, but it could be dangerous. This example may feel like a technicality – we all know running red lights is dangerous and that’s what the speaker means. However, this gets much more complicated when we rely on judgments to discuss topics that are not generally agreed upon or where the meaning behind it is not as easily deduced.
When we rely on judgments about what (to us) makes a person or situation good, bad, worthy, unworthy, right, or wrong, we often can’t articulate why we’ve labeled something the way we have. For many of us we stop when we get to a judgment. It becomes a dead end where we lose the capacity for curiosity, exploration, and understanding. We can lose our ability to communicate the reasons behind our perspective, and think through why something works or is problematic for us.
When we use judgments internally about ourselves (as we often do when we are anxious or depressed: “I’m worthless”, “I shouldn’t do that”) or externally about others (which we often do in relationships: “he should know better”, “she’s bad news”). We also end up shaming ourselves or others with negative judgments, and that can lead to intense feelings of inadequacy combined with a lack of understanding about how to change or what the actual issue is. Aka, being stuck.
Notes:
- Example: Let’s take an example of how a judgment can limit us: “The Fish is Bad”. You and I both probably understand that to mean that whoever made the statement is not enjoying the fish in front of them. But imagine, that you are a server being told by a patron “the fish is bad”. As someone who is in a position to try and solve a problem for your customer, you’re limited. Does this mean the fish is rancid, too salty, under cooked, over-cooked, too cold, or any one of a number of other potential problems with food? You, as the server, have no way to know unless you dig in and ask the patron what they mean. Lucky for our server, this is probably a scenario where the patron can clearly state the problem with the fish and the server can attend the meal by re-heating, replacing, re-seasoning, etc. But sometimes we use language like “it’s bad” and we can’t articulate why or we don’t necessarily understand what we mean by it, we just feel strongly that it “is”.
- Let’s look at a more nuanced example: “I’m not good at this”. I am guessing this is a thought we’ve all had at one point or another, and we are very prone to thoughts like this if we’ve ever struggled with anxiety or depression. This thought is one that’s likely to lead us to stop trying, to give up, and to believe something isn’t for us. We are likely to feel shame and inadequacy when we talk to ourselves (or others) this way. And in addition to all those problems, we aren’t left with any avenues for how to try and help ourselves improve, learn, grow, or even what we can do. We’re just stuck
- Example: “Don’t take away my guns. Gun control is wrong.” Alternately, “Guns are bad. We need gun control”. (Yes. I’ve chosen a hot button topic for the sake of example. I want to be clear these are examples and are not representative of my beliefs. I am choosing this to illustrate how judgmental language can limit political discourse). We have so little information from either statement about why gun control is bad, or why guns are bad. It’s unclear if we’re talking about safety issues, self-protection issues, fear of not being able to protect oneself, an emotional attachment to ether side – you name it. Problem solving is made much more complicated because the statements don’t appear to have much overlap in terms of solutions that might address common values, priorities or concerns. ,We also can’t address the, fears, needs, and beliefs from either side. I’ll take this example back on in the next post when I explain how to more constructively communicate when judgements arise.
- Positive judgments are problematic too, because they too provide little information about WHY something is good or WHAT we value. Positive judgments don’t have the same shaming effect, but they do limit our ability to clearly share our perspective, values, beliefs, etc.
- Not sure how to identify a judgment? see this post.