Introduction to Relational Trauma

Trauma is more common and varied than most of us realize
Often, when we think of something traumatic we think of a concrete event – a war, a shooting, a life threatening situation, or a situation in which pain was endured
Yes. Those are absolutely traumatic events, we in the therapist world call those “Capital “T” traumatic events”
There is another kind of trauma that is quite common, highly impactful, incredibly painful, and (in my opinion) under-acknowledged
We therapists call that “lower case ’t’ trauma”
That kind of trauma is also called complex, cumulative, or (what I will call it) relational trauma
In short, this trauma occurs when a child is repeatedly left with big overwhelming feelings that make them feel at fault, unsafe, scared, or inadequate without the ability to manage the feelings or recover from the experience
It may not threaten our lives, but it threatens our emotional safety and that has huge effects on our emotions and relationships moving forward
Relational trauma can sometimes only be discovered by the imprints it leaves behind
Effects of relational trauma can include: trouble managing feelings / in relationships / with trust; and chronic anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or struggles with self-worth.

If there is one thing that I wish was more widely known and understood about trauma, it’s that it is far more common and varied than we give it credit for.

Most of us can intuitively understand Capital T Trauma. If you get in a car accident and it was terrifying, we understand and can offer empathy to you if you’re scared to get in a car again; your terror and discomfort is understandable to us.

Many of us have a more difficult time understanding and offering empathy for relational trauma and its impact. Unlike the accident described above, we don’t have that concrete experience to reference of “where the trauma came from” which can make it confusing to all parties when someone is triggered and responding to prior relational trauma. Instead, we often just think someone is being “crazy” or “ridiculous”*(6).

Usually, we know if we’ve experienced Capital T trauma, but sometimes we don’t know if we’ve experienced relational trauma. It can feel like how problems or feelings are managed or what we known to be normal.

As David Wallin puts it (full citation in comments(7)): relational trauma develops after repeated experiences in childhood of “fear, helplessness, humiliation, shame, and/or [emotional or physical] abandonment” from primary care givers (often parents) who did not help a child recover from intense emotional experiences or manage their overwhelming feelings.

That repeated experience of being alone with big overwhelming feelings without help managing or recovering can leave us scared of our feelings because we don’t know how to manage or recover from them. As a result we can learn to bury or hide feelings away. This inability to be in touch with and process our feelings limits our ability to know ourselves, develop priorities, and can lead to chronic anxiety and / or depression(5)**.

Experiencing relational trauma can also leave us with conflicting feelings about close relationships – we may want relationships but also feel scared or untrusting of them. Intimacy, closeness, connection, trust, and vulnerability can become inaccessible – until we recover from the trauma (which can be done in therapy, or in a series of safe, trusting, and healing relationships).

Notes:

Trauma is an incredibly complex, sensitive, and important topic. Quite frankly, I’m intimidated taking it on in a post because I know I cannot succinctly discuss it in a way that truly represents its scope, impact, and complexity – even over multiple posts. There are incredible books, researchers, therapists, and talks on this topic and I will do my best to be a bridge to those resources so you can learn more about this. If you are interested in getting started now “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk is an excellent introduction. Though he focuses on Capital T trauma much of what he writes about applies to relational trauma as well.
Sometimes we endure relational trauma from care givers who love us deeply and who we love, and who we may otherwise have good relationships with except for those difficult moments. Those caregivers are often trying their best and well meaning, but are not sure how to handle big feelings or big problems themselves. These are not necessarily “bad” parents or caregivers, though they may not have been able to give us what we needed developmentally in some of these more intense moments. They can be incredibly loving and effective parents in other moments. Sometimes these are caregivers who THEMSELVES experienced relational trauma and have not recovered from it, so are unable to help themselves (or the kids around them) effectively manage these difficult moments. If you endured relational trauma it doesn’t mean your parents were bad parents. If you think you may have inflicted some relational trauma it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent AND there is an opportunity to change patterns and work to heal all involved parties.
For help on parenting in ways that will not create relational trauma look into Big Little Feelings. They offer a $99 course, as well as free tips on their instagram page for parents and caregivers (friendly reminder, I am in no way connected to them or profiting off their course – it’s just plain old helpful material).
Like most everything else in this world relational trauma exists on a spectrum, meaning just a little can effect us a little and more frequent or intense experiences can effect us a lot.
Chronically burying or hiding away feelings can limit our ability to find long term happiness. See “Emotions as Traffic Signals” for more information.
For tips on how to deconstruct moments in which relational trauma may have been stirred up see “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
The David Wallin book I reference is called “attachment in psychotherapy”. It was published in 2007 by the Guilford Press (NY, NY). The quote is from page 245 and is in reference to chapter five of the book Healing Trauma: attachment, mind, body, and brain”. That chapter was authored by Francine Shapiro and Louise Mayfield, and the book was edited by Marion Solomon and Daniel Seigel and published by Norton (of NY) in 2003. Formal Citation: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. New York, NY: Guilford Press.