- Most of us think to say, “is there anything I can do?” when someone we care about is struggling. While we are generous in offering our willingness to help, we may be adding to the “to-do” list of the person in need; to receive the help offered they now have to become a project manager who coordinates, organizes, and thinks up the items on their “how to help” list.
- For most of us when we are really struggling we are in “just get to the next moment mode”, which means the parts of our brain that might help ease our burden (like the parts of us that can plan, brainstorm ideas, or be creative) become less accessible.
- One of the most supportive things you can do to help someone in need, in addition to asking “what can I do”, is to offer your ability to plan or to be a “creative problem solver” on their behalf. Essentially, you can offer support by “loaning” your brain to their problems.
- If this is not intuitive to you, try accessing your powers of empathy regarding the emotions you think they are struggling with in their current situation: Are they struggling with helplessness? Loss? Fear? From what you know of them, what provides comfort to them? If you don’t know them them that well, then offer what might provide comfort to you.
- If the relationship isn’t quite that close, consider offering something concrete that doesn’t involve a need to plan or think too far ahead. Because a person in a difficult situation is often in “here and now” crisis mode you will be meeting them at their current capacity level by not asking them to look too far ahead.
- We have to be careful not to let our desire to lift their burden overpower our ability to hear them when they communicate (with words or actions) what would be helpful for them. It’s not unusual for people to need space, time, or distance, which can be hard to receive when you really want to help.
- The truth of it is when someone is struggling, everyone around them may also struggle with their own helplessness about their limited ability to lift the burden from them. Our own desire not to feel our helplessness can sometimes drive us towards taking too much action, or action that overwhelms the party in need.
- Remember that truly supporting someone is also about showing them their perspective and preferences matter; which means not over-inserting ourselves and paying attention to cues from them about what they (rather than we) perceive to be helpful.
- If nothing else, be mindful of your questions. Often, to help ourselves feel safe we want to understand “what happened’, which puts the person in crisis in a position to satisfy our desire to understand. Follow their lead about how much they want to talk, it will show them you are there for them, rather than to satisfy your curiosity.
- Try and remember; you cannot take away someone’s pain, but you can ease it by “loaning” your brain and problem solving skills to their situation; by offering something concrete that doesn’t require too much planning; and by respecting their process and hearing them in what they communicate (in words and in actions) they need.
We all know that when we are experiencing a crisis we can’t “think straight”. Translated into more concrete terms, this usually means the times when we need help the most, we struggle to identify our needs, articulate them to others, and think ahead about what will help moving forward.
For many of us, our “crisis mode” is not one that is particularly good at planing or creativity, two parts of our intellect that are often most useful when we find ourselves in an overwhelming situation. Put simply, we struggle to slow down and think step by step about what we need, the situation needs, and our future selves will need.
If you are trying to support an individual or family in need you can – of course – start with “is there anything I can do to help?”. Some folks like to feel a sense of control and do have ideas for what they need, so it’s a helpful starting point. You do not, however, necessarily have to end there.
Offering your abilities to plan, identify creative ideas, or offering to do something concrete (like get groceries) actually offers two things – whatever it is you offer – and something less tangible; the brain power we lose access to when we are struggling, in a crisis, or busy trying to wrap our heads around digesting difficult news.
Do remember, there can be a delicate balance between recognizing when it might be helpful to do some thinking or acting on someone’s behalf and inserting yourself too much. Often times our eagerness, desire to help, and desire not to feel helpless ourselves, can interfere with our ability to listen in the moment to cues or words that indicate someone wants or needs less from us. This means, make your offer, but receive their answer, and recognize receiving their answer is a way in which you are supporting them.
Finally, be mindful of why you’re asking questions about “what happened”. Your curiosity is natural, but remember that it most often serves your desire to understand, rather than the other party. If you are there to provide support, offer to talk, keep an eye on the allure of satisfying your curiosity, and follow their lead about how much sharing or revealing they’d like to do.
Comments:
- Ok, so how do I do all of this? One way is to offer support openly (in the event they have ideas) while also offering some ideas you’ve come up with, like, “Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. One idea I have is that I could get you groceries. I could also bring by some puzzles for Johnny to play with with he’s recovering? Let me know how that sounds”. Then, it becomes your job to listen to how they respond, which includes what they say explicitly and what they don’t say. Ultimately, a part of supporting someone well is recognizing the line between where our needs end, theirs begin, and the intersection of the two. We want you looking for cues from them that what you are offering and providing is useful to them.
- A helpful tool that I have come across over the years for individuals in crisis, or in need of coordinating support from groups of people is called Caring Bridge. This is a way to keep people updated on “what’s happening”, as well as coordinate ways to help on a shared schedule / in a shared system. As a reminder I post resources I believe are valuable, and I do not accept compensation of any kind from third parties I endorse. I am suggesting this because I have seen it be helpful to families in need in both my personal and professional life, and it’s a resource I’d like to share.
- I have a tangentially related post on this topic – about what happens when our desire to serve our own needs for safety can interfere with our ability to effectively process something terrible that’s happened to someone else. This is usually not the case when we are trying to provide support to others, but it’s another version of how our needs can get tangled up in the situation we are observing and can then skew our perception.
- Helping others can get us into sticky territory with boundaries. When you’re providing support, remember to pay attention to what you need too. Posts to help with that include my post on finding balance in relationships, which walks you through how to keep an eye on yourself and the other party; My post on finding balance between “shoulds and wants” can help you reflect on what is driving you to provide support to others; and my post on building insight into recognizing where your limits actually are will be helpful if you find yourself in positions where you over-extend.