- If you have been trying to make a change in your life, but find yourself unable to sustain it, you may want to consider “secondary gains”
- Secondary gains are the positives or benefits associated with something that is otherwise problematic in our lives
- Often, we are so focused on how a behavior, choice, or response is “a problem” that we don’t see how it benefits us
- Sometimes there are perks to thought patterns, reactions, ways of relating, or behaviors that otherwise concern us or the people around us.
- We may not be aware of the perks, and it can take active reflecting and internal exploration to identify how we may be benefiting from something we or others in our lives identify as problematic
- For example: Maybe our angry outbursts help us regain control, or help us feel powerful at a time when we’re feeling helpless. Maybe our excessive drinking helps us feel confident and enables us to be relaxed and in the moment in a way we otherwise struggle with.
Sometimes, our secondary gains are actually concepts that we hold onto – concepts that help us manage in our lives and in the world at large. - If you are finding yourself stuck, and unable to make a change despite your best efforts it’s time to consider if there are secondary gains.
- Once you’ve identified them, you may need to reconcile how to receive those “gains” elsewhere from other concepts, actions, or behaviors, or if that’s not possible than face the losses that may come with making the change you want or need to make.
- Further explanation in post and detailed examples in comments.
Despite our best efforts and intentions sometimes we find ourselves unable to make a change. We can get stuck in a pattern of doing something we desperately wish we could stop. This can apply to any change we want to make, from how we think about things, to behaviors, to substance use, or relationship patterns. We know our choices, responses, or how we are handling ourselves is not what we want, yet we cannot stop or break the pattern or cycle and engage in a new way of being.
As a therapist, when I hear about situations like this I will find myself curious about possible “secondary gains”. Secondary gains are some added benefit, something positive, some way in which some part of this pattern or cycle actually DOES benefit you.
When I start asking clients about this, I often get a lot of “nothing. There are no benefits. I hate that I do this and I wish I could stop”. It can be hard to “flip the script” and start thinking of how something you dislike about yourself or your choices actually serves you or benefits you.
Even for problematic patterns, behaviors, or choices there may be positives too, positives that we would lose when we make a change, and positive that draw us back into the cycle again and again. These positives are the “secondary gains” that can make change difficult.
So, while it might be something we wish we weren’t engaging in, sometimes the only way for us to make a change is for us to allow ourselves to consider how we ARE benefiting from it. To do this, we often need to actively suspend our narrative that “it’s bad” (even if we know it’s problematic) and give ourselves permission to list out what is good, helpful, unique, or powerful about it. That work, of being honest with yourself about what is “good” about this “bad” thing can bring about some difficult truths, but it is essential for you to get in touch with them to get over the road-block of secondary gains.
Once we can get in touch with how we are benefiting, we can figure out how to get those benefits in other areas of our lives, or process and accept the losses that will come with making a change.
Notes:
- Example: Imagine you want to slow down your drinking. You’ve make a lot of efforts to cut back, but you can’t seem to stick to them. It might be helpful to consider what you would lose if you cut back on your drinking. Maybe alcohol helps you relax in a way nothing else does, maybe it drowns out your anxiety in social situations. If you work on increasing your capacity to relax, or decrease your social anxiety you may no longer need the secondary gains of alcohol and it may be much easier to cut back.
- Example: You can’t seem to stop snapping at people in your life (i.e. yelling) when you’re frustrated, overwhelmed, or upset. You know this is an issue, and you feel ashamed about it, but you can’t seem to change the pattern. Perhaps it’s helpful to consider what you gain by KEEPING the behavior intact. Maybe it’s the only way you know how to release your own emotions and it feels like your feelings won’t settle until you let them out in this way. Maybe you hold a fear that if you don’t yell at someone they won’t change, and so it feels (on some level) like this is the only way someone can “learn their lesson”. Maybe when you snap and yell it’s actually a way you regain control, since everyone else’s behavior instantly stops. If you can work through the ways in which you actually feel safe, protected, and in control by snapping and then work to find other ways to feel safe and in control in those moments without the snapping behavior the snapping will be much easier to change. This may mean working on decreasing your reliance on the control you feel when your anger erupts.
- Example: You’ve gotten into a pattern of cheating on a spouse or partner. You feel terrible because you believe in monogamy but you find yourself again and again drawn towards someone outside of your relationship. It may be time to consider what you DO gain either from the person, how the person makes you feel, the outside relationship, or the experience of courting someone. Maybe there is something enlivening in the risk taking, maybe it helps you feel attractive in a way you haven’t for sometime, maybe you find yourself more able to be honest with a stranger than with your partner and you crave that ability to be honest in your life. You may need to work to find ways to incorporate those positives into your life and / or your relationship. If you can give yourself permission to explore what you are gaining by the behavior and the relationship(s) it will be much easier to change the pattern(s).
- Example: You find yourself in a pattern of getting overwhelmed with obligations or responsibilities. You feel like you can’t say no to things because you feel guilty when you do, but time and again you find yourself burned out. As much as you try and set more boundaries you can’t seem to and the cycle repeats again and again. It may be time to consider what the secondary gains are here. Maybe you actually feel proud of yourself for being able to “manage so much”, and maybe it boosts your self-esteem to “get so much done”. You may also enjoy telling others or telling yourself about the list of accomplishments, and you may also feel like “this is what is means to be a good friend / family member / colleague etc”. So despite your burnout and misery, you may not be able to make the change without first finding other self-esteem boosting experiences and without working through this concept you’ve held onto about what it means to be a good support to others.
- Example: You’ve fallen into patterns of helplessness in relationships. You ask for things before trying for yourself more often than not and its hurting relationships in your life. This may become hard to change if there are secondary gains to the helplessness. Perhaps you take comfort in people stepping in to help you, perhaps its how you reassure yourself that you’re not alone. It may be a way in which you feel powerful or in control by asking something of others and having them provide. You may feel scared of failure if you were to try doing things more independently and while you know this tends to rub people the wrong way and hurt your relationships, you don’t feel you can let go of the pattern. Facing how this way of being benefits you, and working to build in those benefits in other areas of your life will make it much easier to change the behavior.
- Secondary gains are not the only barriers to making changes. See this post on “how change happens” for more help understanding barriers to change.