- Sometimes we can’t see “change” because we aren’t trained to recognize how it happens. Change happens in stages we don’t necessarily perceive as the process of growing.
- We can get frustrated with ourselves or others, and come to believe change isn’t possible, when really we just don’t know how to appreciate evidence that change is underway.
- Because many of us are outcomes focused, we can get discouraged and give up in the process of making changes without awareness that we’ve actually made progress and are well on our way.
- If we can shift our expectations for how change happens, we can be more patient with ourselves, others, and the process. That patience becomes a necessary ingredient for change because it prevents us from giving up.
- We can think of changing as a multi-stage process that includes awareness, intentionality, and action. Building momentum and consistency for each of these stages takes time and repetition.
- One of the major reasons people don’t start therapy (or drop out of it), is because they are stuck somewhere in these stages of change – or – because they aren’t seeing their own progress.
- My entire job is centered around the belief that people *can* change. Part of what makes it possible for me to help people grow is understanding these stages of change and how they present themselves.
- Stage 1: Was in situation, disliked the outcome, felt the outcome was completely unrelated to me and moved on. In stage one we can think of ourselves as externalized – perhaps without insight. We are unmotivated to participate in change, because we are unaware we are part of the problematic dynamic.
- Stage 2: Was in a situation, disliked the outcome, and wondered if I was somehow different if that would have effected things. May have had my own ideas (or suggestions from others that I buy into) for how I could have been different. Here, we have more insight and more of an internalized stance, but no sense of motivation or responsibility.
- See the rest of the post for a breakdown of the stages of change, and comments and embedded links for troubleshooting tips. Know these stages aren’t linear – we can bounce around in these stages, be in different stages for different areas in our life, and skip and/or combine stages. How “challenging” a stage is will depend on our particular personality and history.
Stage 3: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, and felt aware (either because of my own reflection or a tip from someone else) that I could try something different, but didn’t feel motivated to. In stage three we have built enough insight to accept something about us could change, but we aren’t yet feeling able to / willing to / capable of change.
Stage 4: Was in a situation, realized I could have done something differently, and felt motivated to participate in creating a different outcome moving forward. This is when most of us think change starts. It’s that energetic drive to “do something”. We may not yet know what “to do”.
Stage 5: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, realized this was the moment (!) and decided to try something different. It didn’t change the outcome. This is our moment of vulnerability. The “new” way can feel clunky or awkward (potentially leaving us embarrassed or afraid to try again). This is a time many of us want to give up.
Stage 6: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, and decided to try the new way. It helped, but not as much as I had hoped. This stage can feel defeating, “I tried but it didn’t work”.
Stage 7: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, and decided to try the new way. It worked*! But it was a lot of effort and I’m wiped out. I might not feel like it’s “worth the work” to keep at this, and I may not be aware that it will feel like less “work” the more I practice.
*By “it worked” I mean I handled myself in a way I felt good about, but that may not mean I got the outcome I wanted. Outcomes in situations (especially relational situations) are contingent upon the other party, so even if we do all the “right” things, we may not get the outcome we want.
Stage 8: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, and handled it in this new way. It worked* and came more intuitively to me with less effort.
Stage 9: Was in a situation, disliked what was happening, and intuitively knew how to respond. With reflection, I realize this is now a habit. Change has happened.
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Comments:
- The goal of this post is not to send you into a frenzied sense of tracking which stage you (and everyone you know in your life) are in. The goal is to help you recognize all the complexities that go into growth and making changes, and to get yourself resources for places you are stuck – or – to work towards seeing the progress you’ve already made (in the spirit of further motivating your growth). Many of us may have different “stuck” points, but the idea here is to get yourself thinking about what may be tripping you up and troubleshooting it so you don’t stay stuck.
- Stage 1, further thoughts: A lot of people spend huge portions of their lives in stage 1, and there are many reasons we can be stuck there. The key issues in stage 1 are lack of insight, lack of motivation, potential lack of hope for the future, potential lack of belief in change, potential belief you “shouldn’t” be “the one” to change. Not to go into the “diagnosis rabbit hole”, but many people end up diagnosed with a personality disorder who spend prolonged periods about numerous issues in stage 1. Also, some situations are stage 1 situations because we really aren’t involved, and don’t have influence over them – i.e. – they are situations in which us changing would have absolutely no impact (or minimal impact and it may not be worth it to us to change). At those times we work towards acceptance.
- Stage 1, resources to help you move out of it: (1) The links embedded – and this post on barriers to insight , (2) this post on secondary gains, and (3) this post on understanding and accepting our limits, which, not respecting, can impede an ability to make changes. Getting out of stage one requires a level of vulnerability, a willingness and ability to see how we may be contributing to a situation we don’t like. There are many other posts on this account that will help you increase that capacity for vulnerability in a healthy way.
- Stage 2, resources to help you move out of it: motivation and responsibility can be tied to so many things (see embedded links in text). You can work to increase motivation by improving how you feel about yourself through building Mastery.
- Stage 3: so much could be happening in stage 3, including willfulness (more on that another day, but in short it’s an unwillingness to make a change even if you know it’s in your best interest). Many of the posts from stage 1 and stage 2 troubleshooting also apply here. You may be feeling overwhelmed by how much “change” is required of you, in which case you’d want to work on breaking it down into bite sized pieces. You may need to work on grounding, or staying within your window of tolerance.
- Stage 4: We may need coping skills building – for example, “how to say something” or how to approach something. If it’s a relational problem you’re stuck in, my post on finding balance in relationships may help. You may need concrete tips on how to have conflict constructively or the “don’ts” of fighting fair . Advice from (trusted) others can help here too.
- Stages 5 – 7: All require a respect for the process of learning and the time it takes to really master something. Visiting my post on realistic expectations for change will help. We also may be struggling in these stages if we don’t have realistic expectations or beliefs around what’s within our sphere of influence or control. If we are feeling we “should” be able to control or influence something, or we “need” to control or influence something – and we can’t – we can get really stuck and really unmotivated. This is where acceptance comes in in a big way.
- These are not “official” stages of changes, but instead these are adapted from a DBT diary card, which aims to help people learning new coping skills track their progress. The diary card has 8 (different) stages. I have adapted the concept and flushed it out much further.