The Brain as an "Association Machine"

Think of your brain like one giant association machine
It is constantly looking to learn, make connections from prior experiences, keep you safe, and make sure your needs are met
The majority of associations and connections are made when we are kids, when most development happens
Those associations are our brain trying to make sense of the world in a way that protects us, our relationships, and gets our emotional, physical, and relational needs met.
Sometimes the associations from one phase of life serve us very well in that phase, but then don’t serve us as universally well in others.
If you are stuck and unsure what to do, or if you (or someone in your life) is having reactions that don’t quite make sense consider that your brain may be trying to solve a new problem in the “old” way
We can learn new ways, build new associations, and make genuine changes, but first we have to come to recognize what is hard wired in us from the environments we developed in
It is easier to do that if we can have compassion for our past selves, and accept that what we are doing may have made sense before, but may not (as universally) make sense now
See examples in comments for illustrations which show how our patterns can both serve us and hold us back
The good news is we are working on EXPANDING patterns, not abandoning parts of ourselves. What worked in the past may work again so we can ADD new tools and ways of being.

Think of your brain like a giant association machine that at all times is working on learning and making connections. It’s developing a sense of cause and effect, right and wrong, should and shouldn’t – rules for living and operating; the dos and don’ts of life so you can learn from your mistakes and optimize your successes. Your brain makes the most connections in childhood when most development happens, but throughout adulthood your brain still actively works to keep you safe and protected.

If you grew up in an ideal environment (and there’s really actually no such thing) your brain would have all the ideal associations. Instead, each of us starts to make connections based on our own personal experiences, our family norms, and lessons from what we see and experience in our culture and community.

These patterns – regardless of how effective they are in a diversity of situations – get hard wired in and become second nature. They are our automatic go-to solutions and ways of thinking about things, responding to ourselves, and responding to others.

Some of those associations serve us forever, and in a diversity of scenarios (like knowing smiling is a signal of friendliness). Some of those associations served us at one point in our life and in one environment (like with the folks that raised us) but then maybe don’t quite make so much sense in other environments (examples in comments).

So, when we have reactions that don’t quite make sense to us, it’s likely your brain is associating the current situation with one from the past. Your brain is trying to apply the old rules to a new situation, and sometimes it doesn’t work out in our favor.

We can learn be more discerning and less automatic with these associations through building insight into what our automatic patterns are, and challenging that automated way of being through the use of mindful and intentional responses, choices, and actions. We can also learn to add in responses that may have been “off limits” in our early environment by observing what works for others that we may not feel is accessible for us (yet). And of course – therapy can help too.

Notes:

Season 1 of the HBO show WestWorld explores this concept through its use of humans and robots. The show explores how humans, like robots, can build such strong associations and patterns that they lose their ability to think critically and respond to individual moments and situations.
Wondering how this applies to you? Ask yourself what feel like your hard and fast rules for how you handle: your feelings, your friendships, saying yes to something, saying no to something, making plans, handling conflict. Bring as much curiosity as you can to what feels “normal” to you and the environment you came from – and then – think about if you’ve seen other examples of how those same scenarios are handled by others. What’s a “rule” or “norm” for you, may not be as universal as you may believe.
I talk about themes related to this in my post from April 15th, “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
Examples of relational and emotional health related associations made in childhood that may have protected us as children but may not serve us as well as adults are numbered below.
Example 1: Imagine you grew up in a home where you were a pretty emotional kid, and your parents were less emotional people. Or maybe they were emotional, but often preoccupied and not very plugged into you. Once they knew you were upset they would be very comforting and supportive, but it was hard for them to see early (or even mid – cues) that you were in distress and needed support. To get the help you might learn you needed to have BIG reactions. Yelling, crying, screaming – expressing emotions at a high level. We can understand then the association your brain would build – if i need emotional help, I have to be LOUD for the people around me to plug into me. So as an adult you might have BIG reactions, and yes – people would know how you felt, but, it might also be hard for others to tolerate such big reactions. While your sensitive and emotional nature might be very appreciated by others (because empathy may come very naturally to you) your way of handling your big feelings might not work in an environment where people are more plugged into you.
Example 2: Imagine you grew up in a home where you had a parent that needed a lost of positivity from you. Whenever you shared your frustrations or sadness they would find a positive spin to it. If you pushed on expressing your sadness, anger, jealousy etc they would tell you you had a bad attitude and you learned that if you brought your negative emotions to the relationship the parent would push you away. You would probably learn to push away your negative emotions too, and keep things light and positive around yourself and others (because what you’ve learned is these negative emotions just cause issues). In many scenarios in your life having that optimistic attitude would probably serve you – you’d always find a way to see the upside of things. People would probably really like your positive energy and spirit. But, not all situations in life HAVE a positive spin, and part of getting through life is being able to get through the rough times – some of which there just won’t be an upside to. So, some people may think of you as a bit of a “pollyanna’ and people may not talk to you about the REALLY hard stuff, because it could feel dismissive to have you try and find the positive when they are really hurting or struggling with something. Also, you may be more vulnerable to experiencing depression at some point in your life because your most heavily relied upon coping mechanism is to “find the positive’. This is a GREAT coping mechanism, and one we want you to keep, AND we’d want you to learn more ways to manage negative feelings beyond trying to “find the positive”. This would help you build resilience and likely help you connect better and more meaningfully with others in your life.
Example 3: Imagine you lived in a home where your parent became very angry with you when you made a mistake. Maybe you were punished, or shamed, or told you should know better. The parent never acknowledged they might have over-reacted, and so what you learned was that your relationships suffer (and you feel overwhelming feelings you can’t really handle) when you make mistakes. You might become an adult who is very high functioning and proficient (because you rarely make mistakes), but you might carry with you a lot of anxiety about making mistakes for fear of it hurting relationships, or for fear of how it makes you feel. You also might become an adult who hides their mistakes from those around them (for fear that finding out about the mistake would harm the relationship, or bring up those feelings). You might have a hard time with vulnerability. People “catching” you in mistakes might make you defensive (because your brain will go to all kinds of extremes to do what it thinks will protect you from having a problem in your relationship or from feeling those feelings that feel way too big to manage). As you can imagine, though, this might actually CREATE problems in your relationship because a) you have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong and taking accountability and b) you might be spending a lot of time preoccupied with not making mistakes instead of focusing on the big picture. You will also become more avoidant of your feelings which may leave you more vulnerable to anxiety and or depression.
Example 4: Imagine you grew up in a home where your parent would shut down if you challenged them, regardless of whether you were right or wrong. You’d probably learn that it’s best not to be direct with people, regardless of the circumstances. Being more indirect would serve you with your parents, and perhaps in other relationships too. People might see you as non-abrasive and approachable. However, if we don’t EVER feel it’s acceptable to be direct then there are situations where it will be called for (like with someone who may not have strong intuitive skills, or who may need things really laid out for them to “get it”). Because that “directness” feels inaccessible, we’ll be stuck in those moments in part because indirectness feels so essential to us.
Interested in trying to build up that capacity for mindfulness? See this post, “Foundations of Meditation“.
What I discuss in this post is backed by neuroscience. David Wallin’s Attachment in Psychotherapy explains how the work of Daniel Siegel and others shows the associational nature of brain development: “Siegel explains that what registers in the mind and body as ‘experience’ corresponds at the neural level to patterns in the firing or activation of brain cells. These pattern of neuronal firing establish synaptic connections in the brain that determine the nature of its structure and functioning…the architecture of the brain is associational” – Page 69: Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.